Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.

OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.

Yes, this is me, I am filled with resentment and sadness from 15 years of this. What are we going to do, pp? How long can we live like this? Do we leave now?

I don't know, OP. I've got 4 years until my youngest leaves the nest for college. My older one will be a junior in high school, and I feel like disrupting his high school life with a divorce would side track things like SAT prep, etc. I can't really imagine a life with my husband, I simply don't like being around him anymore, even though he is 'getting better.' I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm in therapy, which is helping TREMENDOUSLY. I was raised in an abusive household, and I'm learning about shifting my mindset to realize that I AM strong enough to do it on my own. BUT, this man is really my family, and I still am afraid of not having anyone who would be there in the middle of the night. (perhaps another cognitive distortion of mine, bc I have a very strong circle of friends.) I hear you so loudly, OP. I think the best advice I can give is to trust yourself. Trust your body and your mind. Take your time. AND, meet with a lawyer. I did this too, and it was very empowering.

OP here. Ok pp since you are several years ahead of me in child-rearing you can answer some of my most pressing questions, which are how all of this affects the kids. This is really what worries me the most.

Did you feel a negative impact in the kids behavior? How do they handle conflict? Do they follow the model their father has shown them or do they know it's wrong? What could you do to mitigate the impact of DH's behavior? Did you ever put the kids in therapy?

How long has your DH been "working" on it? Is he in therapy? Are you in couples therapy? Has his behavior changed in the long term?

As a pp above suggests, I am giving it a little less than a year to see where I am emotionally. I am taking care of myself- ramping up my career, starting new hobbies. I would like to see the results of therapy for him, marriage counseling, and therapy for me (and possibly the kids). I cannot imagine wanting to be married to this man. I just can't. I haven't wanted to be married to him in a long, long time. I am in my late 30s, my kids are not yet in high school, and I think the sooner the better if they are going to adapt ot 50/50 custody. I would also like to find a new partner, eventually, but not for a long time.

Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, having grown up in a home like this, then unconsciously repeated the pattern, listen to your gut but know that if he gets 50% and you are not there to buffer for the kids it may be worse for them. A narc is not going to let you move away or give up his "possessions" unless it is by HIS choice. There is no great outcome for the kids. There is no getting them into a safe environment 100% of the time and from that safety beginning to heal. The rage will come back when he gets tired of playing at "reformed." The kids anger will likely be directed at you as the "safe" parent when they get older no matter what. But if you bail for your "happiness" creating greater risk to their safety (and family courts do not do a great job protecting kids) you will have to live with that.

OP here- I genuinely do not think that he is a narcissist although I am not a psychologist and can't diagnose him either way. Based on how he has behaved for the last couple of months I really do think there has been a major behavioral change, which I see as a positive particularly for the kids. The shame of his parents, our closest friends, and our pastor all sort of asking him WTF was wrong with him was a big wakeup call.

But I feel he still doesn't "get" it. He doesn't get how damaging this was to our marriage. He truly doesn't understand how I wouldn't want to be with him since he is "good" now. He really does want a cookie or a trophy for being good for a few months, and sees any coldness or frustration from me as an insult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, having grown up in a home like this, then unconsciously repeated the pattern, listen to your gut but know that if he gets 50% and you are not there to buffer for the kids it may be worse for them. A narc is not going to let you move away or give up his "possessions" unless it is by HIS choice. There is no great outcome for the kids. There is no getting them into a safe environment 100% of the time and from that safety beginning to heal. The rage will come back when he gets tired of playing at "reformed." The kids anger will likely be directed at you as the "safe" parent when they get older no matter what. But if you bail for your "happiness" creating greater risk to their safety (and family courts do not do a great job protecting kids) you will have to live with that.

OP here- I genuinely do not think that he is a narcissist although I am not a psychologist and can't diagnose him either way. Based on how he has behaved for the last couple of months I really do think there has been a major behavioral change, which I see as a positive particularly for the kids. The shame of his parents, our closest friends, and our pastor all sort of asking him WTF was wrong with him was a big wakeup call.

But I feel he still doesn't "get" it. He doesn't get how damaging this was to our marriage. He truly doesn't understand how I wouldn't want to be with him since he is "good" now. He really does want a cookie or a trophy for being good for a few months, and sees any coldness or frustration from me as an insult.

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce.

Smile and nod

Hate him inside, don’t tell anyone.

Yellow rock him.

Rebuild your own life.

Mentally write him off as the abusive loser he is.

Gtfo one week after you drop the youngest at college. Tell them exactly why.

Anonymous wrote:OP, having grown up in a home like this, then unconsciously repeated the pattern, listen to your gut but know that if he gets 50% and you are not there to buffer for the kids it may be worse for them. A narc is not going to let you move away or give up his "possessions" unless it is by HIS choice. There is no great outcome for the kids. There is no getting them into a safe environment 100% of the time and from that safety beginning to heal. The rage will come back when he gets tired of playing at "reformed." The kids anger will likely be directed at you as the "safe" parent when they get older no matter what. But if you bail for your "happiness" creating greater risk to their safety (and family courts do not do a great job protecting kids) you will have to live with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

At our house the kids and I call it the Raging Lunatic when he rages.

NP- Did everyone miss what OP said in bold above?
Screaming at their families constantly?
Hitting their kids? (???)
Throwing things at their husbands? (in this case wife)
Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?
I hated being his punching bag (figuratively or metaphorically?)
His behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids (escalating to? Or physically hitting you/kids?)

Op, can you clarify? Did your husband physically hit you and/or kids? How old are they? You said not yet in HS. Your decision to get out now or wait a year hinges on above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

At our house the kids and I call it the Raging Lunatic when he rages.

NP- Did everyone miss what OP said in bold above?
Screaming at their families constantly?
Hitting their kids? (???)
Throwing things at their husbands? (in this case wife)
Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?
I hated being his punching bag (figuratively or metaphorically?)
His behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids (escalating to? Or physically hitting you/kids?)

Op, can you clarify? Did your husband physically hit you and/or kids? How old are they? You said not yet in HS. Your decision to get out now or wait a year hinges on above.

Was that not a hypothetical?

NP