Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, having grown up in a home like this, then unconsciously repeated the pattern, listen to your gut but know that if he gets 50% and you are not there to buffer for the kids it may be worse for them. A narc is not going to let you move away or give up his "possessions" unless it is by HIS choice. There is no great outcome for the kids. There is no getting them into a safe environment 100% of the time and from that safety beginning to heal. The rage will come back when he gets tired of playing at "reformed." The kids anger will likely be directed at you as the "safe" parent when they get older no matter what. But if you bail for your "happiness" creating greater risk to their safety (and family courts do not do a great job protecting kids) you will have to live with that. [/quote]

OP here- I genuinely do not think that he is a narcissist although I am not a psychologist and can't diagnose him either way.  Based on how he has behaved for the last couple of months I really do think there has been a major behavioral change, which I see as a positive particularly for the kids.  The shame of his parents, our closest friends, and our pastor all sort of asking him WTF was wrong with him was a big wakeup call.

But I feel he still doesn't "get" it.  He doesn't get how damaging this was to our marriage.  He truly doesn't understand how I wouldn't want to be with him since he is "good" now.  He really does want a cookie or a trophy for being good for a few months, and sees any coldness or frustration from me as an insult.[/quote]

It’s a lot better than the cheaters who try to get you to just accept the situation. Why go to therapy if you didn’t want to actually fix things?  Sounds like he’s doing the best he can and there are a lot of good things he’s done his life. I don’t actually hear you looking for solutions. Just venting for validation. People like this can also be exhausting. To his external anger you seem to have the same thing internalized. People used to spank their kids not a generation earlier. People are going to war right now killing each other. The idea that a man like him is never going to be physical even to throw a book at the wall when he’s angry may be a level of calm that he’s not able to achieve for the rest of his life which seems to be your ultimatum. You sound like you hate him and it must be miserable for him. I would leave and let him find someone that can actually love him and doesn’t mind a book against the wall once a year. You’ve given up and want excuses why you shouldn’t have to do any work on yourself or the relationship. The relationship is bound to fail without your part trying to heal it. [/quote]

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