Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they [b]screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?[/b] Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and [b]I hated being his punching bag[/b], I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately [b]his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids[/b], because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

[b]At our house the kids and I call it the Raging Lunatic when he rages.[/b][/quote]

NP- Did everyone miss what OP said in bold above? 
Screaming at their families constantly? 
Hitting their kids? (???)
Throwing things at their husbands? (in this case wife)
Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?
I hated being his punching bag (figuratively or metaphorically?)
His behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids (escalating to? Or physically hitting you/kids?)

Op, can you clarify? Did your husband physically hit you and/or kids? How old are they? You said not yet in HS. Your decision to get out now or wait a year hinges on above.
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OP- yes, he has in fact smacked me, like on the arm or something, a couple of times, or shoved me.  He has done other physically abusive things and other things he says are an “accident” over the course of 15 years.  I felt really ashamed about this behavior and never told anyone until recently, and I would also hit him back, thinking that was taking my agency back.  But it was all really damaging.  It wasn’t a hypothetical but I don’t want to get into how bad his behavior was- it was BAD and inexcusable and not due to “stress.”  Yelling when you have a work deadline is “stress.”

What he did has nothing to do with stress.  He has also smacked the kids when he was frustrated with them.  And it was more than physical abuse- the physical stuff was so sporadic, but the emotional and verbal abuse was more consistent and worse for all of us.  The physical abuse never hurt that much but was incredibly demeaning.  And confusing.  Every single time he would beg for forgiveness and promise to never do it again, and then he would do it again months or even years later.  Because I was so used to his crappy behavior it was like a frog in a boiling pot of water.  He also thought it wasn’t a big deal because he never hit me that “hard.”

He is desperate to shove everything under the rug and “start over” yet again.  Our marriage counselor told him this wasn’t a “domestic violence” situation and he happily latched onto that.  Another counselor also told me he needs anger management, not intervention as an abuser.  He is desperate to hang onto his self-image.

All of this massaging of his ego and parsing out whether he is an “abuser” or just a “good person who needs to learn to process his anger” is exhausting for me.  I am increasingly not interested and more or less just trying to take care of myself.  I like that he is finally acting like a normal person, but it really does feel like too little too late.
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