Reply to DH terrible temper with kids. tools/resources for self regulating as parent?

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[quote=Anonymous]I was raised by parents like this and it’s painful for me to read this thread. I can assure you it messes up kids for life. My parents were otherwise very, very good to me - fighting for the best opportunities, planning camps and activities and family outings, financial support, no alcoholism or affairs or divorce in the family.

They talked to me like this because learning to regulate emotions is hard and they thought it was no big deal. They were raised this way too.

I think you need to do your best to convince him that this is a huge deal that can permanently break his kids, ruin their relationship and also will not fix behavior. Dr Becky’s Good Inside is a great book to make him read. Without being convinced that change is absolutely necessary, he will quickly give up on this hard work. I inherited these same tendencies from my parents so I know firsthand how hard it is to change.

Reinforcing good choices verbally, (“I really appreciate how you handled that calmly”), sex, food, whatever makes him happy can help.

And absolutely make sure kids understand this is not normal, not their fault, protect them during and after these incidents, speak up, go over and give them a hug, take them out of the room. Tell them that dad has a problem and is working on it and they should never feel like they need to fix / appease / put up with that. It needs to sound like “No one had the right to speak to you like that. Let’s get you to a different room where you’ll be safe. I love you and I’m here for you.”

please do not be afraid to stand up for your kids every time - this is the #1 thing that “good guy” parents in abusive situations do and it is just as bad. It normalizes the abuse.[/quote]

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