Discipline the children

OP, focusing upstream, treating alcohol use disorder and evaluating for and treating ADHD will likely prevent the downstream symptom of emotional reactivity.

The drinking likely is self medicating the reactivity and a coping mechanism for the shame that many adults with untreated ADHD carry.

Trying to address the downstream symptoms isn't working.

I think many posters who found divorce a reprieve as kids had no to limited contact with angry parent alone. Nowadays, it's not like that.

Start at Al Anon for you.

Have him go to the PEP class on Anger to "learn to help child," maybe you both can attend. See how he reacts to that and what it brings up re: his own childhood, etc. It will perhaps be a start.

Anonymous wrote:You have been to counseling with some terrible therapists.

Explosive rage is one of the hallmark symptoms in men with adult ADHD. He needs meds.

This is truly a miracle. You have found a way to diagnose people you haven’t met with only a few sentences of background from their spouse! Quick, patent whatever it is you’re using!

You have been to counseling with some terrible therapists.

Explosive rage is one of the hallmark symptoms in men with adult ADHD. He needs meds.

Anonymous wrote:OP: almost everyone in this thread is projecting their own experiences onto you. Only you can know the right thing to do here as there is a huge range of yelling at kids and losing your temper. I’m sure that every parent has been driven to their wits end by their kids at one time or another and every parent has yelled at their kids. You know your individual situation and only you can judge what is too much and abusive and so on. All of the calls to “divorce him” are a little much with the information that you have provided so far in my opinion.

+1

I'm not a patient parent, but there's a spectrum here.

Is he 21?

I'm sure someone has mentioned it already, but it's obvious to me your DH should be evaluated for ADHD also.

Anonymous wrote:OP: almost everyone in this thread is projecting their own experiences onto you. Only you can know the right thing to do here as there is a huge range of yelling at kids and losing your temper. I’m sure that every parent has been driven to their wits end by their kids at one time or another and every parent has yelled at their kids. You know your individual situation and only you can judge what is too much and abusive and so on. All of the calls to “divorce him” are a little much with the information that you have provided so far in my opinion.

Actually, not every parent has yelled at their kids, but even if that were true, OP's DH's behavior goes far beyond yelling at his kids.

"Shut your mouth!"

"I'll drag you down the street!"

"If you don't stop whining I'll throw you in the pool" (his child cannot swim)

He threw his son's book b/c DS was stalling not reading. (DS is dyslexic and has ADHD)

I think people other than OP can make judgment calls about the degree to which this behavior is damaging.

OP: almost everyone in this thread is projecting their own experiences onto you. Only you can know the right thing to do here as there is a huge range of yelling at kids and losing your temper. I’m sure that every parent has been driven to their wits end by their kids at one time or another and every parent has yelled at their kids. You know your individual situation and only you can judge what is too much and abusive and so on. All of the calls to “divorce him” are a little much with the information that you have provided so far in my opinion.

I was raised by parents like this and it’s painful for me to read this thread. I can assure you it messes up kids for life. My parents were otherwise very, very good to me - fighting for the best opportunities, planning camps and activities and family outings, financial support, no alcoholism or affairs or divorce in the family.

They talked to me like this because learning to regulate emotions is hard and they thought it was no big deal. They were raised this way too.

I think you need to do your best to convince him that this is a huge deal that can permanently break his kids, ruin their relationship and also will not fix behavior. Dr Becky’s Good Inside is a great book to make him read. Without being convinced that change is absolutely necessary, he will quickly give up on this hard work. I inherited these same tendencies from my parents so I know firsthand how hard it is to change.

Reinforcing good choices verbally, (“I really appreciate how you handled that calmly”), sex, food, whatever makes him happy can help.

And absolutely make sure kids understand this is not normal, not their fault, protect them during and after these incidents, speak up, go over and give them a hug, take them out of the room. Tell them that dad has a problem and is working on it and they should never feel like they need to fix / appease / put up with that. It needs to sound like “No one had the right to speak to you like that. Let’s get you to a different room where you’ll be safe. I love you and I’m here for you.”

please do not be afraid to stand up for your kids every time - this is the #1 thing that “good guy” parents in abusive situations do and it is just as bad. It normalizes the abuse.

OP, a lot of therapist won't do marriage therapy if one of the couple is an active alcoholic. The alcoholic has to work a recovery program before the therapists will proceed.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse over time.

The anger and flying off in rage at the children is a symptom of alcoholism.

Have you been to any AlAnon meetings? They helped me.

Once the kids get to be around 10 years old you can take them to AlAteen meetings. AlAteen is for kids that live with alcoholics.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate these examples of similar circumstances and all the complexities that come with it.

DH has agreed to do some kind of emotional regulation class or counseling but wants to do it with DS. I’m still looking for resources.

Your hsuband is incredibly immature and manipulative. Thinking his kid needs therapy for dad’s anger management issues is obnoxious. Your hsuband is completely failing to appreciate the issue.