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[quote=Anonymous]I think it's only "stealing" if the man actively lies, as a PP said. Like if the guy claims he wants kids to a woman who definitely wants kids, marries her, and then slow plays it in the hopes he can run out the clock on her fertility, that's awful and I think it's very hard for a woman to see this coming if he's very vocal about wanting kids. I think how this plays out is that he continues to say he wants kids but will put up some seemingly reasonable roadblocks. He wants to wait until they can afford a certain size home (but then also objects to buying said home, always saying they need a bigger down payment or the market isn't right or something). Or he wants to wait until a specific point in his career that never quite comes. And then suddenly he starts saying "oh isn't it nice what we have now let's not mix it up." I have seen this happen.

The problem, though, is that I have also seen both men and women who genuinely do want kids in their 20s, change their minds in their 30s for a variety of reasons. Sometimes because of external factors like career or money, but most often because they realize they don't think the dynamic of their marriage will work well with children. And this can be an honest change of heart, not a trick. But it will feel like a trick to the other party.

There are inherent risks involved in joining your life with someone else, and in relying on shared goals. I so hated this aspect of life that in my 20s I decided to become ambivalent about both marriage and kids -- great if they happened under the right circumstances, but I'd be fine with out. And then I lived my life as though they wouldn't happen. They did, and I'm happy, but it was useful for my 28 year old self to envision a life where one or both of them didn't happen, and to think about how I would structure my life and make it meaningful and worthwhile. And the nice thing about having done that now is that I can keep doing it. My kids are going to grow up and move away. My husband and I are already in the middle of our marriage and while it's going great, as you age you also need some space and independence, and not every goal needs to be 100% shared as you near retirement and old age. There's room for more.

I tell both my kids this too -- always hold onto your independence of mind, even if you choose to join your life with someone else. Continue to dream for yourself and think about what YOU want and don't simply fold your life into someone else's and give them all that power, no matter how much you love them. In the end it won't serve either of you.[/quote]

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