Reply to Regret asking my mom to “help”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.[/quote]

How old are you?  You know your mother and you certainly should have known her habits.  You should have told her what you needed and wanted from her help.  [/quote]

Sounds to me that mom is more than capable in her own home and voiced intention to take initiative and help out. I get that she feels a little bit out of her comfort zone in a new home and isn’t sure where to focus her efforts but OP is giving her specific instructions and she appears to be too intimidated to help out at all. I don’t think a OP could’ve predicted this kind of extreme reaction and I don’t think it’s her fault at all.

I actually do feel for the mom because I’m sure she must know on some level that she is not being helpful and that makes her feel bad but the focus right now really should be on moving past that and seeking out ways to be of assistance.[/quote]

OP here - thank you! I don’t get why people post questions like “how old are you?” And “why didn’t you know better?” As I mentioned before, I was desperate for help and in a situation of crisis grasped the offer without thinking through properly what she’s like. Yes, in retrospect I absolutely would have said no (she kept offering!) but I also didn’t think it would be this bad - not willing to go out of the house etc. she’s being more selfish than I’d imagined and not making any effort to step out of her comfort zone.

At first I also felt bad she flew this far just to sit around the house, but I’m way beyond that now and it’s her own choice. I’ll manage by ignoring, having zero expectations and up the wine intake ;) I asked her if she could bake with the kids this weekend, let’s see if that will happen..[/quote]

Hang in there, OP. I'm the PP with the 10 month "helpful" relative. I'm having flashbacks reading your posts. Her not leaving the house ever and expecting to be waited on. Saying how glad she was that I was back from the hospital after giving birth because she didn't have any clean clothes and the laundry had really piled up while I was gone. Sending me on errands because I was going out anyway (to be with my preemies in the NICU and drop off breastmilk). I could go on and on with the outrageously selfish and unhelpful behaviors.

I very gently suggested that she leave early on but she cried and said she couldn't believe she had flown all this way to help and I was throwing her out. She had helped raise me and I was mortified that I had made her cry. So, I caved and she stayed on... and on and on.

After repeatedly asking for help and not getting any, I praised her cooking to anyone who would listen and finally convinced her to cook dinner several times a week. Her choice what to cook. I also ended up hiring a nanny for my older child and upping the housecleaner to three times a week to get through that time.

In the end, I was very direct and very firm: You have to leave. You MUST go. I managed to get her out with only minimal drama. But when she got home, she called to let me know she wanted to send another of her relatives to stay with me and help. I lost my shit and we have not spoken since.

I deeply regret yelling at her even though she did deserve it. If I had it to do over again, I would have found a way to vent my frustrations. I probably should have posted here instead of blowing up at her. Not sure where you guys are from but I come from a culture where it is important to respect your elders. From that perspective I say don't ask her to leave. Work around her and get help if you need it. Hold your tongue and count down the days. Wine helps.[/quote]

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