Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

This is a completely different situation and irrelevant here..

Oh, ok. I will try and address the concerns of everyone who hate their parents and ILs. Y'all have horrible parents and ILs. They are basically leeches who live to make your life miserable. Throw them out of your house and never ever speak to them again.

Happy?

Not horrible. Just ones who cannot be counted on to help out in any practical way. When they visit, they play with the kids. The kids have fun. That’s all we expect. When we need real help, we pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

I mean… it sounds like a nice visit, but pretty much none of what you described is actually help. Great for maintaining and building relationships, sure, but that’s not the kind of help most new parents require. And I am glad you were in a place financially where you could outsource a lot of things and have grandparents focused on guiding the help and snuggling kids, but we weren’t in the same place when we had our first - all the house stuff was on us. So having my MIL in the house was basically just having another person to cook for and clean up after. It was extra stress for me at the time that I did not need while also recovering from delivery, struggling with breastfeeding, and going through the baby blues. The second time around I wore the baby in a sling while taking care of my toddler, outsourced the cleaning, and life was so much easier without an extra adult to worry about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

This is a completely different situation and irrelevant here..

Oh, ok. I will try and address the concerns of everyone who hate their parents and ILs. Y'all have horrible parents and ILs. They are basically leeches who live to make your life miserable. Throw them out of your house and never ever speak to them again.

Happy?

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

This is a completely different situation and irrelevant here..

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

Anonymous wrote:My mom came when my kids were 10, 6 and a 3 yo who had to be taken to the hospital 9 times in 4 months, admitted 6 times, the last for 5 weeks in a hospital over an hour away because the closer hospital couldn't help him anymore. My mom stayed for 2 months of the 4 months. It ruined my relationship with both my parents. I did therapy for 4 years, for 2 of those years, my mom and I did family therapy which was recommended by my therapist, but with a different therapist in my mom's town with me on the phone. After the 2 years, my mom quit the therapy and now we just email and my dh calls her for me. There is a mom like the mom described here in the book "Leave Me" by Gayle Forman, highly recommend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

How old are you? You know your mother and you certainly should have known her habits. You should have told her what you needed and wanted from her help.

Sounds to me that mom is more than capable in her own home and voiced intention to take initiative and help out. I get that she feels a little bit out of her comfort zone in a new home and isn’t sure where to focus her efforts but OP is giving her specific instructions and she appears to be too intimidated to help out at all. I don’t think a OP could’ve predicted this kind of extreme reaction and I don’t think it’s her fault at all.

I actually do feel for the mom because I’m sure she must know on some level that she is not being helpful and that makes her feel bad but the focus right now really should be on moving past that and seeking out ways to be of assistance.

OP here - thank you! I don’t get why people post questions like “how old are you?” And “why didn’t you know better?” As I mentioned before, I was desperate for help and in a situation of crisis grasped the offer without thinking through properly what she’s like. Yes, in retrospect I absolutely would have said no (she kept offering!) but I also didn’t think it would be this bad - not willing to go out of the house etc. she’s being more selfish than I’d imagined and not making any effort to step out of her comfort zone.

At first I also felt bad she flew this far just to sit around the house, but I’m way beyond that now and it’s her own choice. I’ll manage by ignoring, having zero expectations and up the wine intake I asked her if she could bake with the kids this weekend, let’s see if that will happen..