Reply to Wife constantly talking about how much men suck

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why do you find it off-putting? Is it because it’s a downer? Because it’s constant? Because you are in the group that is pissing her off? All three?

If it’s because it’s a downer and/or constant, and you have already tried finding common ground and changing the subject, I’d just tell her you love her but you don’t have it in you to keep talking about it and encourage her to find people to vent to, like a friend, online group, or therapist.

[b]If it’s because you’re a man and feeling defensive on behalf of yourself or other men, examine that feeling. Defensiveness usually comes from somewhere. And perhaps try to really, really see where she is coming from. A lot of men agree intellectually with this stuff but don’t actually get it. I find that when men really do get it, they feel less defensiveness and more compassion for their partner. And a little anger on their behalf.[/b] [/quote]

This is dumb. "Examine that feeling"? He feels...annoyed. And why wouldn't he? Nobody would want to hear someone go on and on and on about how much their gender sucks. Get outta here. "I find that when men really do get it"?? What man is agreeing with you saying men suck all of the time? My guess is none. - A woman.[/quote]

I said examine the defensiveness, not the aspect of repeated complaints. The reason negative feelings surrounding  repeated complaints doesn’t really need to be examined because constant complaining brings people down. So the solution is just to kindly let the one complaining that they can’t listen anymore and when the complainer needs to vent they have to find another listening ear.

Defensiveness is trickier. Often when men bristle when women complain about men, it’s because deep down inside it makes them wonder “am I at fault here?” Your ego usually  doesn’t want to ask itself that question so instead you react with defensiveness and blame the person triggering the defensiveness. But many men do learn to respond to complaints about sexism with some humility. They might decide that they aren’t doing anything wrong, but they gain some understanding about the anger. Or they might decide they want to do better.

This is hard but practicing empathy and letting go of ego is great for your marriage. 
[/quote]

This is cult logic. If you disagree it's because of a failing in yourself. You should examine that. [/quote]

That’s not at all what I said. I didn’t even mention disagreement. I never said OP had to agree. In fact I don’t agree with OP’s wife.

Couples so often screw up relationships because they get caught up in who is right and who is wrong, thanks to our egos. But that’s rarely what actually matters. 
[/quote]

Maybe I misconstrued what you wrote. I read it as you presuming that annoyance or irritation was because of defensiveness rather than just arising out of, say, a legitimate weariness that came from a place other than defensiveness. [/quote]

In my first post I addressed the legitimate weariness you’re talking about. It’s valid to tell somebody you care about what they’re saying, it’s valid that they are hurt and angry, etc., but can’t handle talking about it all the time. The annoyance might also come from defensiveness, which is a separate issue. Irs always appropriate to practice humility and empathic listening any time you feel defensive.

I wonder if OP thinks that if he validates the intense emotions his wife is feeling, that means he agrees that all men suck. That’s not true. It is just communicating that her *feelings*, not her words, are valid. [/quote]

Can a person do this by saying, "your feelings are valid but your words are not?" Seems like no. [/quote]

One problem i see a lot with men is that they think they should always share their opinions, and if somebody gets upset with them for it, they feel oppressed and say things like “oh so we aren’t allowed to have an opinion?”

You’re right, saying that would be a bad idea. But why, at that moment when you are trying to find common ground with your spouse and support her, would you feel compelled to share the fact that you disagree with her? Your opinions don’t need to be flung around at any moment. Just because you exercise judgment in how and when you verbalize disagreement doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a different opinion. [/quote]

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