Reply to My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

PP again. It just sounds to me from her post like yes, her DH is lazy, but fundamentally it sounds like she wants people to read her mind about when she’s busy and when she’s not. Why can’t she say “I am reading a book from 2-3, so DH, you need to be available for them.” It kind of sounds like neither she nor her husband get downtime, but her husband basically steals his by just going on his phone and ignoring the kids. Why not schedule downtime for the two of them? And it sounds like their house is fundamentally disorganized. No one should be wondering what’s for dinner, when it’s happening, who’s making it. I don’t think it’s fair to the kids that they have to ping pong between two adults just to get some lunch. I feel like OP has made herself the de facto boss of a house with no routine or organization, and then she just decides randomly that she wants time alone and everyone else is supposed to fall in line.[/quote]

1) Why on earth would someone who is working or cleaning need to explain to their partner that they are busy and request that he take point with the kids, when he is playing video games or staring at his phone? Like how much of a red carpet invitation to parenting does a DH need? Like it is some real learned helplessness for the DH to argue that his wife is somehow not communicating her needs with him well enough when he is actively ignoring his children so he can play a video game. Just stop.

2) If someone is repeatedly saying “I am busy, go ask dad,” and no one is listening to her, she is not the “de facto boss” of the family. She is trying to set a boundary and being ignored.

People will blame women for the rudeness and incompetence of others, no matter how hard that woman is trying to communicate, be clear, assert needs, etc. Which is why men get away with this crap. Because when a woman complains about it, even other women will jump in and say “oh this is your fault.”[/quote]

This.  Especially point #1.
My DH is completely oblivious to anything going on around him in our house, and especially oblivious to whatever I may be doing (WFH, housework, helping other child, etc).  I have to specifically call him out, get his attention, repeatedly ask him to help, etc.  And, no, he most certainly wasn't like this before we had kids.  We split everything 50/50.  [/quote]

To me, neither parent can just decide unilaterally that they are off duty and the other one is on duty. It doesn't matter what the off duty parent wants to do. DH can't just walk out the door at a random time and say "I'm mowing the lawn, take care of the kids for an hour, bye." It's just inconsiderate and chaotic. And it's really passive aggressive for OP to just keep sending her kids over to DH when she didn't even discuss with him ahead of time what her plan for the day was. She's basically making the kids communicate with her husband for her.

Instead of starting her project at a random time and saying repeatedly "go to dad," what they should both do is talk at the beginning of the day/weekend about what they both need/want to do that weekend and work out what the best times are.

And it doesn't sound like OP is being clear about her boundaries. It sounds like she is randomly reinforcing "boundaries," which is even worse. Sometimes she helps the kids, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes dad is on, sometimes mom is on. It all happens at random times. That's not boundaries that the kids can understand. If it's really a boundary, set it up that way. Every Saturday, mom has a time where she goes in her office, closes the door, and no one can bother her for an hour (ideally at a similar time each weekend). That's a boundary kids can understand.[/quote]

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