Reply to “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???

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Reply to "“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.[/quote]

I've found a couple books really useful, "Hold Onto Your Kids" and "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". They focus more on building relationships and coaching your child, rather than discipline or rewards. I also took a class in attachment called "Circle of Security". Dr. Gabor Mate also has some good talks on children, I believe there are some on YouTube and as podcasts. Those would be especially useful for you as he talks a lot about AHDH (I believe he has a book on ADHD as well).

As an example, with the disliking a gift and throwing it - my guess is there is something deeper going on. When I've had those issues with my own child, I dig deeper to figure out what is actually going on (which could be anything, from being overly tired, to actually being upset with me for something that happened earlier in the day, to just wanting to spend more time with me). Then I try to coach her to come up with her own conclusion, rather than just punishing her. So we may talk about how it feels when people dislike the gifts we give them, the times we've been hurt by other people, how it makes us feel, do we want to make other people feel that way, what are some other things we can do instead of being angry over a gift we don't like, etc. It's a LOT more work, but I've found it's more effective and lasting than consequences.

I think you also have to recognize what is age-appropriate. Whining, tantrums, yelling, etc are all normal in children because they don't yet have emotional competency. It's our job to teach them, and I don't believe "stop crying" actually teaches them what to do with their emotions, it just teaches them to repress them (and then they bottle up and come out even more explosive later on).

FWIW, my two best friends are both extremely strict disciplinarians and their kids are "poorly behaved" (I hate saying that because it's not the kids' fault, but for lack of better terminology). My parents were very strict disciplinarians and we were all little hell-beasts as a result, especially once we hit middle & high school. Not saying my kid is perfect, but in general she's a delight to be around, we have no problems with hitting or destroying things, and very few tantrums.

I hope that helps :) It's been super effective for us, especially since I don't feel comfortable being a disciplinarian, and permissive parenting didn't work at all for us. [/quote]

Op.

This is where I get tripped up! At the friends house with the toy throwing, [b]he WAS tired, hungry, and we are out of town. He’s super sensitive so he was a mess.

Still, though, he should behave. Right?[/b]

How many excuses are too many?[/quote]

I don't think so. Kids don't yet have all the tools and skills to regulate their emotions. They aren't as capable of coping with exhaustion and hunger.

And most adults I know will have a meltdown if pushed too far when they're tired and hungry. I definitely get hangry, and while I can control it most of the time, occasionally I do have an outburst. Also, as an adult, I have control to fix the situation - when I'm hungry, I stop and get a snack. When I'm tired, I take a nap. Kids don't have that kind of control over their life and often can't even articulate that they're feeling hungry, tired, anxious, etc. It's our job as the parent to anticipate those needs and meet them, not to demand total perfection. Like, my DD is starving by the time I pick her up from school. Almost anything will cause a total meltdown. I can either get into a power struggle and force her to obey or....I can recognize she needs to eat and bring her a snack. And then I can teach her in an age-appropriate way that often being hungry can make us also feel angry or frustrated or upset, so we can work on identifying when we're truly angry or when we're just hungry, and fix the situation by getting a snack or asking an adult for a snack.

If being hungry and tired are an issue, work on fixing those. Earlier bedtime, no screens in the evening, nutritious meals, have snacks on hand, understand his limits and don't push him past them. If he's already showing signs of strain in a situation, fix the situation instead of expecting a child to cope with something they aren't equipped to deal with. Teach him how to express what he's feeling in a productive way. [/quote]

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