Anonymous
10/01/2021 15:43
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.
We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.
He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.
He’s nice elsewhere.
Why is he awful with me?
He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.
I've found a couple books really useful, "Hold Onto Your Kids" and "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". They focus more on building relationships and coaching your child, rather than discipline or rewards. I also took a class in attachment called "Circle of Security". Dr. Gabor Mate also has some good talks on children, I believe there are some on YouTube and as podcasts. Those would be especially useful for you as he talks a lot about AHDH (I believe he has a book on ADHD as well).
As an example, with the disliking a gift and throwing it - my guess is there is something deeper going on. When I've had those issues with my own child, I dig deeper to figure out what is actually going on (which could be anything, from being overly tired, to actually being upset with me for something that happened earlier in the day, to just wanting to spend more time with me). Then I try to coach her to come up with her own conclusion, rather than just punishing her. So we may talk about how it feels when people dislike the gifts we give them, the times we've been hurt by other people, how it makes us feel, do we want to make other people feel that way, what are some other things we can do instead of being angry over a gift we don't like, etc. It's a LOT more work, but I've found it's more effective and lasting than consequences.
I think you also have to recognize what is age-appropriate. Whining, tantrums, yelling, etc are all normal in children because they don't yet have emotional competency. It's our job to teach them, and I don't believe "stop crying" actually teaches them what to do with their emotions, it just teaches them to repress them (and then they bottle up and come out even more explosive later on).
FWIW, my two best friends are both extremely strict disciplinarians and their kids are "poorly behaved" (I hate saying that because it's not the kids' fault, but for lack of better terminology). My parents were very strict disciplinarians and we were all little hell-beasts as a result, especially once we hit middle & high school. Not saying my kid is perfect, but in general she's a delight to be around, we have no problems with hitting or destroying things, and very few tantrums.
I hope that helpsIt's been super effective for us, especially since I don't feel comfortable being a disciplinarian, and permissive parenting didn't work at all for us.
Op.
This is where I get tripped up! At the friends house with the toy throwing, he WAS tired, hungry, and we are out of town. He’s super sensitive so he was a mess.
Still, though, he should behave. Right?
How many excuses are too many?
I don't think so. Kids don't yet have all the tools and skills to regulate their emotions. They aren't as capable of coping with exhaustion and hunger.
And most adults I know will have a meltdown if pushed too far when they're tired and hungry. I definitely get hangry, and while I can control it most of the time, occasionally I do have an outburst. Also, as an adult, I have control to fix the situation - when I'm hungry, I stop and get a snack. When I'm tired, I take a nap. Kids don't have that kind of control over their life and often can't even articulate that they're feeling hungry, tired, anxious, etc. It's our job as the parent to anticipate those needs and meet them, not to demand total perfection. Like, my DD is starving by the time I pick her up from school. Almost anything will cause a total meltdown. I can either get into a power struggle and force her to obey or....I can recognize she needs to eat and bring her a snack. And then I can teach her in an age-appropriate way that often being hungry can make us also feel angry or frustrated or upset, so we can work on identifying when we're truly angry or when we're just hungry, and fix the situation by getting a snack or asking an adult for a snack.
If being hungry and tired are an issue, work on fixing those. Earlier bedtime, no screens in the evening, nutritious meals, have snacks on hand, understand his limits and don't push him past them. If he's already showing signs of strain in a situation, fix the situation instead of expecting a child to cope with something they aren't equipped to deal with. Teach him how to express what he's feeling in a productive way.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 15:42
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.
We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.
DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.
We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.
Don’t you sometimes wonder if you would be one if these smug parents on here giving advice and calling other kids “brats” if you only had your younger child?
I have four kids, and one of them is very difficult. I get blamed for it all of the time. If it’s all me, then how do you explain the other three kids?
My advice is to change the way you talk and think about him. Stop telling your mom about his bad behavior, and stop listing all of the bratty things he does. You don’t need to ignore it when he misbehaves, but when you talk about him to others, focus on what’s great about him.
Having my 2nd easy child was so eye opening.
I was so thankful for my more difficult child though because he taught me so much and he kept me from being one of the abusive posters on this thread.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 15:30
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a really positive, fun parent. But I hold the line! If I say not to do something, there’s a swift and clear reaction from me. Like yesterday my 3 year old threw a tantrum at the end of dinner with grandma and grandpa. I immediately picked him up and put him in his car seat and we went home. He was so upset to not get to stay, maybe have dessert. I didn’t have to spank him.
My kids are the opposite of yours op, they act awful at my parents house. They think they can get anything out of my parents. My parents are permissive and always have lots of treats. So I don’t think kids always act better at grandparents houses…
This seems like Instagram parenting to me. Your three year old has a tantrum, and so the whole family has to drop everything they are doing and leave. That seems like a lot of power for a three year old and kind of rude if you are visiting other people.
Op here. Right?! Similar to my child throwing the toy. Should we have left the house even though we only see her a few times a year?!?
Anonymous
10/01/2021 15:03
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a really positive, fun parent. But I hold the line! If I say not to do something, there’s a swift and clear reaction from me. Like yesterday my 3 year old threw a tantrum at the end of dinner with grandma and grandpa. I immediately picked him up and put him in his car seat and we went home. He was so upset to not get to stay, maybe have dessert. I didn’t have to spank him.
My kids are the opposite of yours op, they act awful at my parents house. They think they can get anything out of my parents. My parents are permissive and always have lots of treats. So I don’t think kids always act better at grandparents houses…
This seems like Instagram parenting to me. Your three year old has a tantrum, and so the whole family has to drop everything they are doing and leave. That seems like a lot of power for a three year old and kind of rude if you are visiting other people.
I don’t think you understand the concept of a Instagram parenting if that’s your interpretation.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 15:02
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a really positive, fun parent. But I hold the line! If I say not to do something, there’s a swift and clear reaction from me. Like yesterday my 3 year old threw a tantrum at the end of dinner with grandma and grandpa. I immediately picked him up and put him in his car seat and we went home. He was so upset to not get to stay, maybe have dessert. I didn’t have to spank him.
My kids are the opposite of yours op, they act awful at my parents house. They think they can get anything out of my parents. My parents are permissive and always have lots of treats. So I don’t think kids always act better at grandparents houses…
This seems like Instagram parenting to me. Your three year old has a tantrum, and so the whole family has to drop everything they are doing and leave. That seems like a lot of power for a three year old and kind of rude if you are visiting other people.
No one wants to listen to a kid tantrum. I would have done the same.
In fact, I did do the same with my kids when they were little. I don’t think any of them had to be removed more than one time.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 14:26
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:I’m a really positive, fun parent. But I hold the line! If I say not to do something, there’s a swift and clear reaction from me. Like yesterday my 3 year old threw a tantrum at the end of dinner with grandma and grandpa. I immediately picked him up and put him in his car seat and we went home. He was so upset to not get to stay, maybe have dessert. I didn’t have to spank him.
My kids are the opposite of yours op, they act awful at my parents house. They think they can get anything out of my parents. My parents are permissive and always have lots of treats. So I don’t think kids always act better at grandparents houses…
This seems like Instagram parenting to me. Your three year old has a tantrum, and so the whole family has to drop everything they are doing and leave. That seems like a lot of power for a three year old and kind of rude if you are visiting other people.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 14:19
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.
We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.
DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.
We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.
Don’t you sometimes wonder if you would be one if these smug parents on here giving advice and calling other kids “brats” if you only had your younger child?
I have four kids, and one of them is very difficult. I get blamed for it all of the time. If it’s all me, then how do you explain the other three kids?
My advice is to change the way you talk and think about him. Stop telling your mom about his bad behavior, and stop listing all of the bratty things he does. You don’t need to ignore it when he misbehaves, but when you talk about him to others, focus on what’s great about him.
I don’t tell them. They see it. They see how he behaves with me.
Yes. I’m a shrink. I work in the emergency room, but I can see this dynamic. They see him being defiant, then they are highly critical of you, and you feel guilty and angry, and you all three repeat your childhood traumas over and over.
Freud was right: repetition compulsion is a thing.
That’s great to do that with your parents. It probably does help to relive those early experiences as an adult where you have more control. But do it over something else. Let them criticize your house or your job or your clothes
.
Your child is defiant, but he is also many other things. Maybe he is a creative out of the box thinker with a deep sense of fairnessy. I don’t know. I would find a different way of framing this behavior than: “my child is a brat, and it’s because I’m bad.” That is not helpful.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 12:18
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.
We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.
DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.
We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.
Don’t you sometimes wonder if you would be one if these smug parents on here giving advice and calling other kids “brats” if you only had your younger child?
I have four kids, and one of them is very difficult. I get blamed for it all of the time. If it’s all me, then how do you explain the other three kids?
My advice is to change the way you talk and think about him. Stop telling your mom about his bad behavior, and stop listing all of the bratty things he does. You don’t need to ignore it when he misbehaves, but when you talk about him to others, focus on what’s great about him.
I don’t tell them. They see it. They see how he behaves with me.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 12:16
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.
We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.
He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.
He’s nice elsewhere.
Why is he awful with me?
He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.
I've found a couple books really useful, "Hold Onto Your Kids" and "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". They focus more on building relationships and coaching your child, rather than discipline or rewards. I also took a class in attachment called "Circle of Security". Dr. Gabor Mate also has some good talks on children, I believe there are some on YouTube and as podcasts. Those would be especially useful for you as he talks a lot about AHDH (I believe he has a book on ADHD as well).
As an example, with the disliking a gift and throwing it - my guess is there is something deeper going on. When I've had those issues with my own child, I dig deeper to figure out what is actually going on (which could be anything, from being overly tired, to actually being upset with me for something that happened earlier in the day, to just wanting to spend more time with me). Then I try to coach her to come up with her own conclusion, rather than just punishing her. So we may talk about how it feels when people dislike the gifts we give them, the times we've been hurt by other people, how it makes us feel, do we want to make other people feel that way, what are some other things we can do instead of being angry over a gift we don't like, etc. It's a LOT more work, but I've found it's more effective and lasting than consequences.
I think you also have to recognize what is age-appropriate. Whining, tantrums, yelling, etc are all normal in children because they don't yet have emotional competency. It's our job to teach them, and I don't believe "stop crying" actually teaches them what to do with their emotions, it just teaches them to repress them (and then they bottle up and come out even more explosive later on).
FWIW, my two best friends are both extremely strict disciplinarians and their kids are "poorly behaved" (I hate saying that because it's not the kids' fault, but for lack of better terminology). My parents were very strict disciplinarians and we were all little hell-beasts as a result, especially once we hit middle & high school. Not saying my kid is perfect, but in general she's a delight to be around, we have no problems with hitting or destroying things, and very few tantrums.
I hope that helps
Op.
This is where I get tripped up! At the friends house with the toy throwing, he WAS tired, hungry, and we are out of town. He’s super sensitive so he was a mess.
Still, though, he should behave. Right?
How many excuses are too many?
Anonymous
10/01/2021 12:05
Subject: Re:“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
My kids does this. She acts very mature at school , and well, let's just say she is 6 at home.
Her teacher told me that she knows who loves her unconditionally, and so she lets her guard down around these people.
Her teacher told me that she knows who loves her unconditionally, and so she lets her guard down around these people.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 11:52
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
If you truly suspected your child has a special need, then you would get something done for him to help him. Everything seems to be the fault of your parents, the fault of special needs, everything except your own fault.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 11:35
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Ok so I am a big Lansbury fan, but your kid is a bit older than her usual advice (babies/toddler/preschool).
I really like ManifestDestini on instagram. She has some great videos about how to be be a peaceful BUT strong parent. You get respect by holding the line. You don't have to yell. When he argues back you say "I hear you but I still need you to do X". Say it as many times as you need to. "I understand you don't want to, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do".
Anyhow, good luck OP. You can't be worried about "spoiling" your relationship. You are his mother. He wants boundaries from you.
Nicely put.
OP, some of the things that bother you are actually pretty typical, and you do need to choose your battles, but that's just it: you need to choose what the lines are. Maybe you can live with grumpy compliance on some things. Maybe you can say, "We can talk about whether you can have different chores, but for now, this is your job and you need to do it."
It can help to have guidelines for behavior so not everything is a debate and so they learn to figure rules out for themselves. One family used "Safe, respectful, kind," so when a kid was jumping on furniture or insulting a present, they could go straight to a one word reminder: "Joshua, is that safe?" or "Josh. Kind."
He's not going to behave as well for you because you're his safe space, but he should be a nightmare, either.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 11:23
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.
We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.
DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.
We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.
Don’t you sometimes wonder if you would be one if these smug parents on here giving advice and calling other kids “brats” if you only had your younger child?
I have four kids, and one of them is very difficult. I get blamed for it all of the time. If it’s all me, then how do you explain the other three kids?
My advice is to change the way you talk and think about him. Stop telling your mom about his bad behavior, and stop listing all of the bratty things he does. You don’t need to ignore it when he misbehaves, but when you talk about him to others, focus on what’s great about him.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 10:01
Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.
+1
Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.
X1000 op, your child doesn’t respect you.
It's not a BS argument, it is a true phenomenon and does not mean parents don't set boundaries and teach rules and good behavior, etc. But people noting it did not mean the kind of behavior OP later described.
It just doesn't apply in OP's situation.
Anonymous
10/01/2021 09:59
Subject: Re:“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
It's definitely you. Not just you but a lot of other parents, too. Just visit a classroom.