Reply to “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???

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Reply to "“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.

We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.

DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.

We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.[/quote]

Don’t you sometimes wonder if you would be one if these smug parents on here giving advice and calling other kids “brats” if you only had your younger child?  
I have four kids, and one of them is very difficult.  I get blamed for it all of the time.  If it’s all me, then how do you explain the other three kids?

My advice is to change the way you talk and think about him.  Stop telling your mom about his bad behavior, and stop listing all of the bratty things he does.  You don’t need to ignore it when he misbehaves, but when you talk about him to others, focus on what’s great about him.[/quote]

I don’t tell them. They see it. They see how he behaves with me. [/quote]

Yes.  I’m a shrink.  I work in the emergency room, but I can see this dynamic.    They see him being defiant, then they are highly critical of you, and you feel guilty and angry, and you all three repeat your childhood traumas over and over.  
Freud was right: repetition compulsion is a thing.

That’s great to do that with your parents.  It probably does help to relive those early experiences as an adult where you have more control.  But do it over something else.  Let them criticize your house or your job or your clothes :).

Your child is defiant, but he is also many other things.  Maybe he is a creative out of the box thinker with a deep sense of fairnessy.  I don’t know.  I would find a different way of framing this behavior than:  “my child is a brat, and it’s because I’m bad.”  That is not helpful.    [/quote]

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