Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t love Esther perel, but in fairness, her work centers around having a good marriage after infidelity if it’s possible. She isn’t trying to justify cheating at all, or blaming the party who didn’t cheat.

It is fair to point out that if, say, one spouse stops showing interest in the other spouse, that might be a factor in why the other would cheat. I think that Perel’s take is that in order for the marriage to get to a good place, the partner who didn’t cheat needs, eventually, to start showing interest in their spouse again.

I find the whole idea repulsive though. Perel says that people who are still willing to work on their marriage after their partner cheats are heroes. Good for them, I could never be that hero. [/quote]

The one thing she does say which can be so true is that [i]sometimes[/i] the affair has absolutely [b]nothing[/b] to do with the marriage, the spouse, the sex life, etc.  Sometimes, it is 100% due to the individual trying to run away from themselves.  They are not happy with themselves and use the affair as a way to escape.  This is very common with men in midlife affairs. They often are cheating with someone a big step down from their own spouse.  They find it safer since they have zero plans to be found out or leave the marriage.  They think they will never get caught and compartmentalize the actions, don't bring it home.  Box it up and put it on a shelf as soon as they leave the hotel room.  Once the process that childhood trauma and learn new coping skills, how to feel empathy and guilt and SIT with their feelings they can become whole again.  It takes a lot of committed individual therapy...and if the wife has found out she is now traumatized and would need to want to even reconcile and then she needs individual and couples therapy.  It can be done and they can end up in a much better place, but it is monumental work.  [/quote]

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