Reply to When did divorces start happening in your circle?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education.  Interestingly,[b] we all had parents that never divorced.[/b] [/quote]

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage.  Not sure if that claim still stands. [/quote]

I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop.  For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.[/quote]

You are assuming that people staying married had good marriages. Just because they stayed married does not mean it was a healthy situation at all. The stigma of divorce was strong and most people stayed rather than leaving if the marriage was unhealthy or toxic. Both my exH and I have parents who are still married. We are divorced. (My example was poor but they congratulate themselves on the back for staying married...his example was not much better). I think we would have stayed married if we married other people. We were not a fit and forced it due to the pressure to get married and then stay married (in misery). Unhealthy relationships can exist in marriage as well. We were not doing that to our kids.[/quote]

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