Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 18:52     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Married couples in their 70s had a different society than married couples in their 50s, and 30s. Tolerance for norms, and societal expectations change. This is why the divorce rate and data around it is also changing (for the better). People marry older, yes, but more empowered, equally yolked and with different marital goals than our grannies and great grannies had.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 18:51     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Not soon enough. I swear, the bs some folks put up with...
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 15:10     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.


This is ridiculous. Most of my high school friends are still married to bad husbands because it's considered so embarrassing and shameful to divorce where we grew up, in certain NY and southern CT suburbs. Same thing for their mothers - if you want to look at cause-and-effect, start there. If your mother stayed in a bad marriage, she'll probably encourage you to do the same. This is true of my best friend, who has been married for twenty years to a horrible man.

As my mother always says, "We might all still be married, but that doesn't mean that very many of us are happy!"



This. My mother convinced me to get married in the first place (because she thought I was "too old" even though I really was not certain and wanted to back out; then she convinced me to "stay"--wasted 10 years of my life. It's horrible for people to do that.

If your mother stayed married and encouraged you to do so--wouldn't the logical conclusion be that it wasn't a bad marriage? And maybe you just had a child's understanding of their marriage and not the viewpoint of the two adults actually in it?
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 13:45     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Have seen it around major life events - kids leaving for college, retirement, death of a parent with one. These result in people reevaluating their own happiness.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:42     Subject: Re:When did divorces start happening in your circle?
The two divorces in our larger friend circle were only married a few years if that, no kids in either case. Both were in their late 20s and it seems pretty clear they just felt pressure to marry someone they were dating awhile who wasn’t a great match. Both are now remarried in late 30s.

Otherwise there are actually no divorces in our smaller circle, but half of our friends have never married (mid to late 30s).
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:38     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
There was a rash of divorces in my friend circle more or less around the time the youngest kids hit first grade. I wouldn't be surprised if there is another one around the time kids get to college.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:30     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:Age, years of marriage, age of kids?


Late 30's/early 40's

5-15 years

6-10 years old

At least those are the two that have happened in our circle, one last year and one two years ago
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:28     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
We were the only ones to divorce in our circle of maybe 20+ other couples.

I agree with a PP that your family of origin can factor in. Not always the sole indicator or success/failure, but certainly a factor.

You also have to have two people willing to work on the marriage. Not just one. Both have to be willing. After years of being the only willing worker, I gave up and joined his indifference. That was the beginning of the end.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:18     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.


This is ridiculous. Most of my high school friends are still married to bad husbands because it's considered so embarrassing and shameful to divorce where we grew up, in certain NY and southern CT suburbs. Same thing for their mothers - if you want to look at cause-and-effect, start there. If your mother stayed in a bad marriage, she'll probably encourage you to do the same. This is true of my best friend, who has been married for twenty years to a horrible man.

As my mother always says, "We might all still be married, but that doesn't mean that very many of us are happy!"



This. My mother convinced me to get married in the first place (because she thought I was "too old" even though I really was not certain and wanted to back out; then she convinced me to "stay"--wasted 10 years of my life. It's horrible for people to do that.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 10:15     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.


You are assuming that people staying married had good marriages. Just because they stayed married does not mean it was a healthy situation at all. The stigma of divorce was strong and most people stayed rather than leaving if the marriage was unhealthy or toxic. Both my exH and I have parents who are still married. We are divorced. (My example was poor but they congratulate themselves on the back for staying married...his example was not much better). I think we would have stayed married if we married other people. We were not a fit and forced it due to the pressure to get married and then stay married (in misery). Unhealthy relationships can exist in marriage as well. We were not doing that to our kids.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 09:32     Subject: Re:When did divorces start happening in your circle?
None of our friends have gotten divorced but the divorces I’ve seen tend to be people in their late 40’s.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 09:23     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:There were a few starter marriages that didn't endure, but other than that, there have been none. Mid-forties.


Same.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 09:20     Subject: Re:When did divorces start happening in your circle?
51 and no divorces in my friend group or family.

Everyone in my friend group has been married 20-25 years.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 09:01     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:Whoa I cant believe this thread is 5 years old because I definitely remember it and would've guessed it was from the past year. Time flies.


+1. I saw a post that was definitely mine and was vaguely surprised to see I've been lurking around here for at least 5 years.
Anonymous
Post 05/13/2021 00:23     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Whoa I cant believe this thread is 5 years old because I definitely remember it and would've guessed it was from the past year. Time flies.