Reply to My 3 year old is a brat

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Reply to "My 3 year old is a brat"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's what works for us. For tantrums, I validate her feelings...[/quote]

Sorry, but it's not working for you. [/quote]

Please explain why. I feel like "the haters" have strong opinions that the "softer" parenting is not working, but not providing examples or advice on now to nip a tantrum in the bud for the kids who inherently challenge and push limits. Do you use spank? Take away more toys? How does that not lead to more anger and drama? At least in the short run, which is what we are talking about. In the long run, of course the child learns the parent means business and tantrums aren't worth it, but how do you teach the lesson to start. Especially for the more persistent, intense, emotional kids???

And what is wrong with empathetic approaches??
[/quote]

Do.  They need to know someone is in charge and it’s not them.  Otherwise they are anxious.  When you try to empathize you empower them and that is what they simultaneously want and fear.  It makes them a mess.  
What helps for us is to say ‘in our family everyone does x’. In our family we don’t throw toys. In our family we help out by cleaning.  Everyone has a role to play in our family and they must be helpers.[/quote]

What you are doing is empathy. Saying "kids need to feel that someone is in charge and that it's not on them, or they will feel anxious" is empathy. It's understanding what may be causing your child's meltdown and responding in an age and developmentally appropriate way. And making activities family activities instead of creating rules and punishments that only apply to kids is empathy, too -- it's showing them that you are in it with them, that these are not rules from on high but part of a positive way of living that you will share with them. You are describing a soft, collaborative, gentle parenting style.

Being an empathetic parent doesn't mean being a pushover. And it definitely doesn't mean setting aside your role as protector, provider, and guide for your child. But it does mean letting go of your ego and viewing your child as a whole person. It means if they scream and throw a toy, you can validate the feeling they are having ("I know it's frustrating to share with your brother") while also guiding and explaining how their behavior must improve ("but throwing toys is dangerous to people and can cause damage to things, so I need you to find another way to express your frustration). This, yes, empowers them. But it empowers them to understand and make better choices. Even better if you provide alternatives ("When I'm frustrated, I go outside and move my body around and it gets the frustration out!") and help them get there.

Being empathetic is not the same as putting your child in charge. Empowering your child doesn't mean giving up your role as parent. You can do both of these things in a way that allows your child to trust and follow your guidance.[/quote]

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