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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Huge red flag to me that OP is on DCUM posting *repeatedly* to vent details of specific financial and relationship issues. I agree with PPs who suggested couples counseling but:

OP, you need therapy. NOW. Like therapy just for you. I usually hate it when people come on these boards and just say "get therapy" but I really don't think there is any other solution to your problem. You need therapy and to do some work on yourself, your outlook on life, your feelings about your family (your spouse, yes, but also your family as a unit and what it means to you). You are just vibrating with anger and negativity and resentment. It's toxic. You need a way to get it out and I don't think posting here is going to get you there.

I can see how there are things about your situation with your DH that are problems and there are aspects of your situation where I agree that he isn't pulling his weight or is creating an unnecessary roadblock for your family. But it also doesn't sound like a straightforward case of "throw out the whole man." It sounds complicated. It sounds like he is great in some ways and a pain in other ways. It sounds like he's trying to contribute and share responsibility with you but that sometimes he falls short or does it in an inefficient or short-sighted way. In your posts, sometimes I relate to you, but other times I relate to him. Life is messy. Going through job loss is hard, and working part time can be a blessing and a curse, especially if you are also the primary caregiver to kids (I know his role very well). That doesn't mean he's right and you're wrong. It sounds like you are definitely right about some things. But your rage and resentment is the least productive way to fix the problems you've identified. I would venture that your rage and resentment are a much bigger problem in your marriage than his underemployment or even your struggles with allocating childcare responsibilities.

I think the only way you are going to solve any of the logistical and financial issues in your marriage is if you can spend some time addressing your anger and resentment, identify why these very normal marital conflicts are producing so much boiling anger, and then calmly approach the issues in your marriage with a collaborative spirit. Yelling at your partner (who, again, is providing the bulk of the childcare at the moment and appears to be struggling with some work and identity issues) until he acquiesces to your "my way or the highway" demands will not fix your problem. Even if he does everything you ask of him, you will have fixed nothing about your marriage. Do you understand that? His employment is not the issue, not really.[/quote]

Op here. I posted with the specific income details because multiple people asked for them.
Please correct me if I'm wrong about this. Maybe I haven't been clear. Maybe my interpretation is wrong.

But I don't consider that he provides the bulk of childcare. I don't consider that I do either. We are splitting childcare just about 50/50. Some weeks 60/40. Today is a typical day. I have the kids for approx 6 hours total. He has the kids for approx 5 hours total. Today I handle breakfast and dinner. He handles lunch and snack. The difference is that I'm supposed to be teleworking from 9-5 for my salaried full-time job.

I asked him to either take on more childcare so that I can focus more on work, OR find full-time work, so we can comfortably outsource childcare.

He will not take on more childcare. Says he already does too mich. He will not find full-time work.[/quote]

You do not have to give people something just because they act. You can say no or ignore the request. Often this is the healthiest choice.

But this is precisely what I'm talking about. I don't even disagree with you -- this sounds frustrating and hard. But why are you working so hard to convince *me* (or any of the posters on here) that you are right? What will that get you?

What if I told you right now that you are 100% correct, your husband is the worst, and that I agree with you that he should take one of the jobs you have told him to apply to. How does that help you? Even more, say that tomorrow he woke up and said "Ok, fine. I will take one of these jobs." Would that solve your marital problems? Would you suddenly become happy and stop resenting him?

What I'm saying is that your intensity on this thread indicates to me that this problem is not exclusively about him and his choices. Even if they are bad, which it sounds like they are! I'm saying that until you figure out what is going on *with you*, nothing I say, and nothing he does, is going to fix it. Why did you stay quiet about his underemployment for so many years? Why is your response to the current situation not working to yell on the internet instead of finding a way to calmly discuss with your husband, who actually has the ability to work with you on it? Why is the only acceptable outcome for you him doing something that it seems clear he doesn't want to do? Why haven't you been to couples therapy yet? Why don't you divorce him? You need to explore all of this.

Yes, his behavior sound problematic. But he's not here. You're behavior on this thread is throwing up all kinds of red flags for me, and it seems clear to me that you need real help sorting through your feelings and figuring out a productive way to move forward in your marriage. I do not think anyone on this thread can do that for you, no matter how many financial details you provide them with.[/quote]

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