Reply to Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.

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[quote=Anonymous]Huge red flag to me that OP is on DCUM posting *repeatedly* to vent details of specific financial and relationship issues. I agree with PPs who suggested couples counseling but:

OP, you need therapy. NOW. Like therapy just for you. I usually hate it when people come on these boards and just say "get therapy" but I really don't think there is any other solution to your problem. You need therapy and to do some work on yourself, your outlook on life, your feelings about your family (your spouse, yes, but also your family as a unit and what it means to you). You are just vibrating with anger and negativity and resentment. It's toxic. You need a way to get it out and I don't think posting here is going to get you there.

I can see how there are things about your situation with your DH that are problems and there are aspects of your situation where I agree that he isn't pulling his weight or is creating an unnecessary roadblock for your family. But it also doesn't sound like a straightforward case of "throw out the whole man." It sounds complicated. It sounds like he is great in some ways and a pain in other ways. It sounds like he's trying to contribute and share responsibility with you but that sometimes he falls short or does it in an inefficient or short-sighted way. In your posts, sometimes I relate to you, but other times I relate to him. Life is messy. Going through job loss is hard, and working part time can be a blessing and a curse, especially if you are also the primary caregiver to kids (I know his role very well). That doesn't mean he's right and you're wrong. It sounds like you are definitely right about some things. But your rage and resentment is the least productive way to fix the problems you've identified. I would venture that your rage and resentment are a much bigger problem in your marriage than his underemployment or even your struggles with allocating childcare responsibilities.

I think the only way you are going to solve any of the logistical and financial issues in your marriage is if you can spend some time addressing your anger and resentment, identify why these very normal marital conflicts are producing so much boiling anger, and then calmly approach the issues in your marriage with a collaborative spirit. Yelling at your partner (who, again, is providing the bulk of the childcare at the moment and appears to be struggling with some work and identity issues) until he acquiesces to your "my way or the highway" demands will not fix your problem. Even if he does everything you ask of him, you will have fixed nothing about your marriage. Do you understand that? His employment is not the issue, not really.[/quote]

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