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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here.  Thank you for this.  STBX is bipolar and cheated with strangers, and at first I thought I owed it to him to treat that cheating as merely a symptom of the bipolar and not an offense in and of itself.  But sadly, because of the mental illness, he just wasn't capable of the remorse I needed to see to consider staying.  At a certain point, you have to be held accountable for your actions, whatever they're caused by.  I'm sad for me, but I'm especially sad for HIM, because wherever he goes, there he'll be.  [/quote]

Interesting.  I am PP who wrote the top post.  My ex is also bipolar.  Did you know that hypersexuality is a little-discussed aspect of manic behavior in bipolar depression?  Not everyone becomes hypersexual in mania or hypomania, but many do.

I agree with you that even if a hurtful behavior is driven by mental illness, that does not mean that the spouse is obligated to stay or to continue to expose him/herself to that hurtful behavior.  Although I understood that my DH's affairs were driven by manic hypersexuality, I could not and did not want to stay with him and be continually exposed to that.  In fairness to him, he was improperly diagnosed and medicated at the time (which was not his fault), but he was also not committed to seeing a psychiatrist and therapist and taking medication, etc.   Not being committed to treatment is also quite common in bipolar patients (who wants to give up that nice manic high?). I was not willing to stay with someone who was not willing to get and stay in treatment.    [/quote]
There were a couple DCUMers whose posts about their bipolar spouses helped me SO MUCH in the early days of discovery, and I suspect you were one of them, so thank you.

It was a shock when he was diagnosed (bipolar II, rapid cycling) because he never had seemed "up."  Just perpetually anxious (which was how his hypomania presented) and depressed.  I have a bipolar family member, I thought I knew all about it, but I saw no signs in DH.

So he got that diagnosis; ok we'll tackle this together; and then, boom, he gave me an STD.  When he confessed the lurid details (Craigslist, anonymous), it was so out of character I immediately said "omg hypersexuality," which I knew about from my family member.  But the weird thing is he never displayed any other manic behaviors -- no driving fast, no substance abuse, no gambling, no adrenaline sports, nothing.  Not even just happy or chipper.  Now I know he was taking risks sexually, but his sexual behavior with me never changed (low/medium drive).

So I spent a lot of time just trying to put the puzzle pieces together to understand his strange version of bipolar -- because how will he temper his behavior in the future if he can't recognize when he's hypomanic?  Through those aforementioned helpful posts, I picked up on signs that previously had been meaningless:  I suspect he's in hypomania when he's chatty with me and unable to read the room, when he chops veggies more recklessly (seriously!), when he ascribes ill intent to my actions (paranoia), when he dedicates himself to one of his (still very boring) hobbies like fishing or guitar...oh, and apparently unprotected sex with strangers. 😐

Unfortunately, even though he has a psychiatrist and therapist and is on a million meds...he's mentally ill.  So he says he wants my help and input but then he gets angry and secretive when I gently offer it.  All during a time when HE should have been groveling to ME.  So I can't even give him that list of clues, because he's no longer receptive now that we are divorcing.  And I worry for him and his future partners because his outward symptoms are so slight, even when he's engaged in extraordinarily risky behavior.

I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. Sorry for the tangent. And again, PP, thank you so much for all your thoughtful, informative posts on the topic.[/quote]

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