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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That’s a good point. He’s trying very hard though so I just feel like I will never be satisfied unless I give it a chance. I’ve now notified a couple of people so they will understand if he can’t be faithful in the future.

On another note, someone mentioned the Empowered Wife. I haven’t gotten to the infidelity part, but am curious if anyone felt this book helped with infidelity.  I read the author didn’t have kids. It’s very hard for me not to put my kids first. And while I want to focus on the positive, this books seems a little like gaslighting. Are there other books that are positive while also being more real in a relationship?  It seems like she’s saying just be fake and pretend everything is peachy. I am looking for a positive book that is also honest. [/quote]

chumplady.com

She is honest, with a sense of humor.

particular this - https://www.chumplady.com/2020/10/dont-wait-on-that-apology/

You are a rational person.  What you want is rational and reasonable  - a sincere and full apology, some remorse, amends, and a sense that the betraying spouse has enough of an understanding why they did it so that they can stop themselves from doing it again. The problem is that you want it from someone who has mental illness and is fundamentally not rational, so it is not reasonable to expect that you will get it.

It takes a mentally ill person years to stabilize, IME.  Years to find the right psychiatrist, get on the right meds, find a good therapist, be honest with oneself, develop insight, and change habits and develop healthy skills.

There is a difference between being “positive” and being self-delusional. I am positive. My ex cheated. His cheating was not about me or our relationship. It was about him, his relationship/communication/interpersonal skills/illness.

I am positive - I believe he can get his mental illness treated and have a better life. I believe I can create a happy life for myself.

But, I am not self-delusional.  He will not get healthy with me. It is not my job to force him to see doctors and therapists; his doing this just to please me is not healthy.  It is unlikely that he can recover within the context of our relationship.

I let him go so we both could have healthier lives. That is positive and real. 
[/quote]

Yes this is how I feel although my DH is getting help and meds and all of the above while still in the relationship. He does seem somewhat remorseful. Here’s to hoping he has a good therapist to help him. He looked a long time for one that would deal with all the issues he has. Now I’m told I just have to wait and be positive while he works it out. So I’m trying to keep it positive but real as well. [/quote]

Good luck.  Mine interviewed and researched countless therapists before he settled on one and he has been consistent in going twice per week and doing the reading/workbooks in his free time.  I am moving on with my life and my happiness won’t be dependent on his.  Don’t let people shame you for staying and don’t listen to people who had a spouse that never was willing to do the work.  You know what is right for you and your family.  Truth be told many marriages survive and thrive after an affair.  You just do not hear about them because nobody talks about the infidelity in their marriages most of the time.  It’s a secret.[/quote]

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