Reply to How to survive an unhappy marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When couples say they have to stay together for the children, and then describe a very unhealthy relationship dynamic (ie. “Never touch,” and sleep in separate rooms)...I always think, “Why do you assume that divorce us worse than what you are modeling for your children?” Think about what they are learning from your example of how married couples relate.

You can follow all the rigid rules you have memorized (ie divorce = bad)...but so is what they are seeing everyday.

[b]I am also bothered by your comment that you are doing what you can to ignite passion by earning a certain amount of money. That only goes together if you think women can be bought or are gold diggers. [/b]So your ideas sound very old fashioned and not progressive.

I am sorry you are unhappy but I do think you need to share your honest feelings with your wife, and try counseling together (with a qualified therapist, not church leader). Good luck.[/quote]

I thought that too.

This plus the gifts and flowers, spending a lot of time at work and the gym, and describing your wife as conflict avoidant makes me think that she is also deeply unfulfilled with the connection in your marriage.

Go home, man.  Stop going to the gym so much.  Stop procrastinating at work and get it done. Play with your kids.  Teach them how to set the table and help with dinner.  Discipline them if they are rude or disrespectful to your wife.  Build something in the garage.  There are ways to be manly in a traditional marriage besides being gone all of the time and earning a lot of money.  [/quote]

I appreciate your feedback but I have tried that. The marriage has been on a decline the last 5 years. I have arranged date nights that result in mostly pragmatic talks over the candlelight, discussing our schedule and the kids only to end with me offering to massage her at home, with no expectations for sex. Just some intimacy and touch even if it’s not sexual. Lately 10/10 times I’m turned down with “no thanks, I’m tired” or “Maybe tomorrow.” I am a involved father, I coach our son’s t-ball team and we have family movie night in most Saturday nights. I volunteer alongside my wife most weekends at church. Yes I’ve tried the flowers and gifts route as well because I want to cover all my bases. When I try to have meaningful conversations about her happiness, she quips “Yes, everything is fine. Why do you keep asking?” which is when I dare to state that I’m unhappy about our lack of a sex life or intimacy in any form. Status quo responses vary from  “I’m tired, the kids took it out of me today.” to “I’m touched out, the kids were clingy today.” to “I’m on my period” or “I’m about to be on my period and I’m bloated.” to a straight up “No. Not in the mood.”

I’m not claiming I’m perfect or blameless but I am trying. I guess I need to try individual counseling again to gain some more insight but my hopes aren’t high. Thank you all for your suggestions and support. God bless.[/quote]

I feel for you. I'm not sure why you think staying together for the kids is necessarily the right move though. You're clearly very unhappy, you guys don't sleep together...your children are smart. They see. They sense tension. You are willingly keeping them in an unhappy household, modeling a really f-ed up husband/wife dynamic. You're not doing them many favors by sticking around. I'm guessing your wife not only finds you unattractive but probably a bit stronger than that. Or maybe she's asexual. Or maybe she's gay but unwilling to act on it. I think the fact that she is a SAH together with you both having open email and schedules tells me there is no real privacy in your relationship. Please tell me you aren't one of those couples that has a "family" email account. [/quote]

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