Reply to I can’t stand my 4.5 year old

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op: I have two autistic kids.  On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed.  I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.

But I have always truly loved my time with my kids.  I positively love being around them.  While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.

You frankly sound depressed.

One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working.  When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny.  I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.

You might consider going back to work.

Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child.  She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).[/quote]

Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly. [/quote]

Your mom is BPD? Have you ever considered that you might have some emotional difficulties from that relationship that you are carrying into your parenting? You might have felt for example like your mom was a bottomless pit and invaded your boundaries. Children do have their own temperaments, but they also vibe off their caregivers. You need to be firm with your boundaries, differentiate her (probably much more appropriate developmental needs and challenges from your mother’s, and think about counseling to get to the bottom of this for you. I suspect your daughter is a gift to heal your relationship with your mom. If you can stay present, grounded, and authentic with her, you may see that the mother-daughter relationship isn’t always one of neediness, broken boundaries, and unrequited affection.[/quote]

Thank you for this. I will talk to my therapist about it. I really appreciate your time typing this insight. Thank you. [/quote]

PP here. You are welcome. It just really stood out to me that you don’t have issues with the boys but you do with her. You may be projecting intentions on her subconsciously that make her behavior get under your skin more. I read your other post re: her behavior. Honestly, she sounds high spirited to me but I would not characterize that as difficult. She also sounds ready for having a bit more control and responsibility. Get down on her level before you go to the car and talk to her nicely about the behavior you expect in the parking lot and car. If she does this well she gets something she wants, such as choosing her own show or whatever. Maybe start the conversation by asking her what she does want, and if it is to be silly and get your attention for 10 minutes then give it to her. It seems like there is a bit of wanting attention/ wanting control — that’s totally normal and developmentally important for them to have. Have you read the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen? It has tons of strategies for enlisting their cooperation with no power struggle. Everyone I know who has read it says it is a game changer.

Also, my kids act less cooperative when they are tired or hungry. How is her sleep? Protein intake? Iron? If you suspect she is having attention issues, give her fish oil daily. I agree with the other person who said don’t give her any soda. Diet soda has stuff in it that irritates little kids. [/quote]

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