Anonymous
11/05/2019 12:02
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
My little one is in a foul mood when I pick her up from daycare. I think part of it is that she’s tired and hungry and part of it is that she’s not good with transitions. She’ll get mad if I ask her how her day went. So when I pick her up, I don’t ask questions, don’t kiss, but just hold her hand and walk to the car in silence. Once she’s had a snack and had time to decompress she’ll be in a good mood and might tell me about her day.
Anonymous
11/05/2019 08:44
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.
Your mom is BPD? Have you ever considered that you might have some emotional difficulties from that relationship that you are carrying into your parenting? You might have felt for example like your mom was a bottomless pit and invaded your boundaries. Children do have their own temperaments, but they also vibe off their caregivers. You need to be firm with your boundaries, differentiate her (probably much more appropriate developmental needs and challenges from your mother’s, and think about counseling to get to the bottom of this for you. I suspect your daughter is a gift to heal your relationship with your mom. If you can stay present, grounded, and authentic with her, you may see that the mother-daughter relationship isn’t always one of neediness, broken boundaries, and unrequited affection.
Thank you for this. I will talk to my therapist about it. I really appreciate your time typing this insight. Thank you.
PP here. You are welcome. It just really stood out to me that you don’t have issues with the boys but you do with her. You may be projecting intentions on her subconsciously that make her behavior get under your skin more. I read your other post re: her behavior. Honestly, she sounds high spirited to me but I would not characterize that as difficult. She also sounds ready for having a bit more control and responsibility. Get down on her level before you go to the car and talk to her nicely about the behavior you expect in the parking lot and car. If she does this well she gets something she wants, such as choosing her own show or whatever. Maybe start the conversation by asking her what she does want, and if it is to be silly and get your attention for 10 minutes then give it to her. It seems like there is a bit of wanting attention/ wanting control — that’s totally normal and developmentally important for them to have. Have you read the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen? It has tons of strategies for enlisting their cooperation with no power struggle. Everyone I know who has read it says it is a game changer.
Also, my kids act less cooperative when they are tired or hungry. How is her sleep? Protein intake? Iron? If you suspect she is having attention issues, give her fish oil daily. I agree with the other person who said don’t give her any soda. Diet soda has stuff in it that irritates little kids.
Anonymous
11/04/2019 16:14
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.
The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.
I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.
Just reading this while kids have tv time before lunch and have to laugh at “she doesn’t seem difficult”. Just a snippet from
today already. She got into the car at preschool pickup and I tried to hug/kiss her and she growled at me and pulled away. She grabbed my half drank Diet Coke from the front of the car and said she wanted it. I said she could have a little bit with lunch. She opened it and drank it while running to the back
Of the van. I reached back and grabbed it from her and she screamed and refused to get into her car seat. We sat in the parking lot for awhile until I was able to convince her to eat the apple I brought her as a snack then I was able to buckle her in.
We drove home. When we got home, I allow them to watch a show while I prepare lunch and sometimes get her little brother to nap. I put on a show she didn’t like (she just liked it yesterday) and screamed at me to change it. I said no and put the remote up high where I keep it. She pushed a chair over, grabbed it, (while I was watching her and telling her not to), and then ran into the room with it. She refused to give
It to me. I grabbed it from her hands when she watch on the couch and she kicked me hard in the stomach. I ignored her and walked away while she tantrumed. I took her little brother upstairs to put him down to nap and she ran upstairs and kicked me in the back of the legs
I told her to go in her room for a time out. She refused. I picked her up and put her in there and held the door closed for a
Few minutes. She trashed her room.
After getting this out, I opened the door and hugged her and told her her snack was downstairs. She went down to get it and then I put my son down to nap.
OP, first of all, I'm sorry. This sounds crazy. I think your daughter is very difficult, but reading this makes me feel like you can actually repair things a bit.
At a quick glance, it feels like you're not in control where you should be, and she's not in control when she should be.
1) Getting in the car seat shouldn't be optional. This is a place where you need to calmly take charge, even if she's pummeling you.
2) She gets to choose her own show. Why do you care if she wanted something different today?
3) Would definitely NOT feed her diet soda. And I'd keep her well away from sugary foods. If she's a sensitive person, it might extend to diet as well.
OP - what does your daughter like? When is she happy?
Anonymous
11/04/2019 15:50
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:
Just reading this while kids have tv time before lunch and have to laugh at “she doesn’t seem difficult”. Just a snippet from
today already. She got into the car at preschool pickup and I tried to hug/kiss her and she growled at me and pulled away. She grabbed my half drank Diet Coke from the front of the car and said she wanted it. I said she could have a little bit with lunch. She opened it and drank it while running to the back
Of the van. I reached back and grabbed it from her and she screamed and refused to get into her car seat. We sat in the parking lot for awhile until I was able to convince her to eat the apple I brought her as a snack then I was able to buckle her in.
We drove home. When we got home, I allow them to watch a show while I prepare lunch and sometimes get her little brother to nap. I put on a show she didn’t like (she just liked it yesterday) and screamed at me to change it. I said no and put the remote up high where I keep it. She pushed a chair over, grabbed it, (while I was watching her and telling her not to), and then ran into the room with it. She refused to give
It to me. I grabbed it from her hands when she watch on the couch and she kicked me hard in the stomach. I ignored her and walked away while she tantrumed. I took her little brother upstairs to put him down to nap and she ran upstairs and kicked me in the back of the legs
I told her to go in her room for a time out. She refused. I picked her up and put her in there and held the door closed for a
Few minutes. She trashed her room.
After getting this out, I opened the door and hugged her and told her her snack was downstairs. She went down to get it and then I put my son down to nap.
You two are in a power struggle.
Anonymous
11/04/2019 13:54
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What’s her relationship like with her dad?
She prefers me and is more difficult with her dad. Often physical with him, hitting and kicking him when angry. More defiant as he is more headstrong while I am more calm and permissive with her. He often tells me he doesn’t know how I can handle her for 6-8 hours a day. They have more fun outside of the house together as he often takes her places on the weekends which she loves.
She doesnt like the SAHM vibe. Needs more going on.
Anonymous
11/04/2019 13:52
Subject: I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
I feel for you and send you thoughts of support for you and your family. I won’t pretend to have any insights into what is going on, but I will share a resource that I found helpful for parenting my strong willed three year old and setting boundaries with him before feeling burned out. Janetlansbury.com is a great website and she speaks of the importance of setting kind gentle boundaries though kids can be a bottomless pit of needs. Not saying this will work for your situation or that is what’s going on here, but that helped me. Sending you all good thoughts and know you’re not alone.
Anonymous
11/04/2019 13:45
Subject: Re:I can’t stand my 4.5 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.
But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.
You frankly sound depressed.
One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.
You might consider going back to work.
Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).
Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.
Your mom is BPD? Have you ever considered that you might have some emotional difficulties from that relationship that you are carrying into your parenting? You might have felt for example like your mom was a bottomless pit and invaded your boundaries. Children do have their own temperaments, but they also vibe off their caregivers. You need to be firm with your boundaries, differentiate her (probably much more appropriate developmental needs and challenges from your mother’s, and think about counseling to get to the bottom of this for you. I suspect your daughter is a gift to heal your relationship with your mom. If you can stay present, grounded, and authentic with her, you may see that the mother-daughter relationship isn’t always one of neediness, broken boundaries, and unrequited affection.
Thank you for this. I will talk to my therapist about it. I really appreciate your time typing this insight. Thank you.
That was a thoughtful and empathetic response. I also wonder if your daughter has always been like this, or if it became worse when her younger brother was born, if she's like this in school, with her siblings and other relatives, etc. My older DS's behavior is erratic and challenging and sometimes, quite frankly, I don't like him very much and I need a break. But I do I work really hard not to take his behavior personally or tell myself a story about it (like, he's crazy just like my mom was, he's like this because I've failed him somehow or did something wrong, etc.). He's a child and he needs to be able to be able to trust that I can handle him (even if I feel like I can't). I will close my eyes, take a deep breath, and literally imagine flipping off a "reaction switch" before I deal with him just to ensure I always seem calm and in control.