Reply to “You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.

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Reply to "“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.[/quote]

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock.  It's just plain old depression.  Men are not post-partum.  Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth.  Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth?  Sure.  I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically.  But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage? [/quote]

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is. [/quote]

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction.  If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary.  Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order.  Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal.  It's not normal.  Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist.  Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage.  Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

[b][u]I'm not saying don't take it seriously.  I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression.[/u] [/b] I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.[/quote]

Preach on. Nailed it.[/quote]

Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life.

Seriously when you're in a marriage both people need to be supported and [b]communicating when you're feeling depressed and lost is something that should be embraced and not shut down[/b].

Of course to a reasonable extent. He should realize that twins are exceptionally difficult and focus on helping her through this. But no one can control what they feel and talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up is a good thing.[/quote]

I feel like you either skimmed the OP or have changed the facts since you read it to suit your narrative.  OP's DH didn't communicate that he felt depressed and lost.  He gave OP the silent treatment and then accused her of loving the babies more than him.  Is he probably depressed and lost?  Sure, that's a better explanation than "giant suppurating *sshole."  Is he this open communicator being attacked for being in touch with his emotions that you have invented?  Nope, not even close.  [/quote]

I think we interpreted the op differently. Probably because of our own husbands coloring how we read it. Sounds to me like they abandoned a date night. He got mad and distant but eventually told her why he was feeling like he was. I assume he didn't get inappropriately angry because the OP doesn't say that. I assume he didn't  try to put it all on her because [b]she seems more worried than angry herself. [/b]If OP sounded angry and implied this was a long pattern of him ignoring her pain my advice would be different. She posted as someone who knows she has a sensitive husband but who has noticed a downturn in his mental health over the last 7 weeks.

He hasn't been treating her like crap for a prolonged period, he got upset and out took him a day or two to explain why. [/quote]

I'm not sure what you mean by our husbands coloring our view, unless you're seeing some of your husband in the OP's description and it's making you more sympathetic?  Also I'd be worried too if I was jointly responsible for the lives of 2 newborns and the other person who was supposed to be dedicated to their health and safety told me he resented them.

Look, nobody disagrees that OP is being a freaking saint in her reaction to this.  I'm not sure why her incredible diplomacy means you think I need to pretend her DH has PPD.[/quote]

You don't understand how your relationship with your husband and other posters relationships with their husbands can't influence how you give advice when presented with another woman talking about an issue? My husband is supportive and helpful and loving but does have some history with depression. He is more likely to squash it down and muscle through than ops husband which I think has pros and cons. I only have my own life experience to look at when giving advice so I assume based on my life im inclined to feel empathy or look at this with a more generous interpretation.

[b]I'm not trying to convince you he has ppd though and not sure where I said that.[/b] I think be sounds depressed and that depression is a serious medical condition that needs attention and that generally relationships where people communicate what they're feeling are healthier than the alternative. [/quote]

My entire post was that men who are depressed don't have PPD, they have [i]depression[/i].  I never said depression wasn't a serious medical condition.  (See bolded, underlined quote.)  I said it wasn't [u]post-partum [/u]depression.  Your reaction was "Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life."

[/quote]

You conveniently did not bold the paragraph that inspired my response and that basically directly contradicted or at least really took away credibility from any of your subsequent comments about the legitimacy of depression:

[quote]I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.[/quote]

Depression is situational and temporary. Assuming this is about sex. A come to jesus will fix it. Depression, in comparison to ppd, doesn't need to be monitored by a psychiatrist. The worst situation for him is checking out of the marriage.

Come on.[/quote]

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