Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

FFS her husband isn't abusing her! What is wrong with you?

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

100% it will. I would connect him with my own DH, but our kids are older and I suspect both of us have wiped much of those early days from our memories.

Ignore the people beating up on DH. It's not helpful. It is what it is, regardless of what he "should" be doing. There's a reason the divorce rate with multiples is higher than singletons - the amount of strain put on a couple with two (or more) infants is exponential (and I've done both.) Its in everyone's best interest that you both find a way through these months.

When my kids were that age I thought I was drowning. There were days I really wasn't sure how I was going to make it through. But you do, and all of a sudden in a few weeks and then months you look back and are amazed that you did it, because things are so much easier. There is a (very gradual) light at the end of the tunnel.

PS- get a nanny with twin experience. She will teach you tricks you never thought possible.

OP, my spouse definitely had PPA. It was emotionally exhausting for me to have him to stare at our children when they were babies and say, "I think he/she's breathing too fast. I'm calling 911." And for me to talk him down from the ledge multiple times per day when I'm dealing with my own issues, including a bleeding orifice.

It was SOOOO out of character for him, which is why I think it's PPA/PPD related to the birth and not some larger personality flaw. He's a loving and attentive person, but something about having a baby in our house tweaked his brain to speak about the worst case scenario during every waking moment. It was really hard for me to enjoy my newborns as newborns because he kept saying crazy things like, "what if he's breathing quickly because he can't get enough oxygen? Why happens to his brain?"

At my follow-up appointments, I was screened for PPD/PPA. I told my doctors...I'm fine! I need help for my husband! And each doctor was taken aback, as if no one had asked them about that before. So I don't think it's something that's widely acknowledged and spoken about.

My spouse is completely back to normal now. So all I can offer is my data point of "it gets better with time"
Be kind to yourself and your husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

OP totally agree he should see a psychiatrist and consider getting on meds. Kudos to you for worrying about this when dealing with new twins, that is seriously intense. Totally agree getting a nanny in could help tremendously.

Our nanny has a thing built into her contract where every other week we have a date night. No extra for the babysitting, we can go out and have one or two or four hours just to ourselves (for us this works because it has all evened out with sick days or weeks we don't go out). This was one of the best decisions I ever made about kids!

I personally need time to recharge and by 7 weeks had gone out without both of my kids. It is normal to NOT want to get a break and it is normal to want one. But maybe look into something like that if you feel like you guys would benefit from periodic structured one on one time.

Good luck, you guys seem like a loving couple, willing to express yourself and willing to push yourself to be a support. Don't let anyone here make you feel bad about that. And I am NOT a traditionalist conservative bow to my husband kind of person, just a care about the people I love and think everyone deserves respect and love person.

You're only 8 weeks in, it does get better. And you guys are solid enough that you're communicating and looking out for each other. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

Preach on. Nailed it.

Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life.

Seriously when you're in a marriage both people need to be supported and communicating when you're feeling depressed and lost is something that should be embraced and not shut down.

Of course to a reasonable extent. He should realize that twins are exceptionally difficult and focus on helping her through this. But no one can control what they feel and talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up is a good thing.

I've been happily married for over 20 years, because we both act like adults, not whiny children.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

You mentioned he sees a therapist. Is he also on meds?

I think you need to say to him, clearly, that you see him spiraling back into depression and that you're concerned about him. He needs to tell his therapist what's going on (or you with permission), and he may well need meds or a med adjustment. So that means an appointment with his primary care doc or psychiatrist.

Treatment of depression, that's the answer here, and the most efficient response. If there's an online option for new parents of twins, so much the better there too. It would likely help you both.

OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

Wow. Never said had ppd. Said he seemed depressed because OP thinks her husband is depressed. By far the most reliable guesser on this thread.

You seem really really upset that I implied that our own relationships color the advice we give (which I didn't think was a particularly groundbreaking or controversial observation) and that the ridiculous forum is a good place to go to see what happens when marriage is neglected in the young kid years.

I don't know anything about you or your life. If that doesn't ring true them disregard it.

Your post significantly underplays the severity of depression. I have resented my children, that is a normal human emotion. You can resent and love children, that is human.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

Preach on. Nailed it.

Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life.

Seriously when you're in a marriage both people need to be supported and communicating when you're feeling depressed and lost is something that should be embraced and not shut down.

Of course to a reasonable extent. He should realize that twins are exceptionally difficult and focus on helping her through this. But no one can control what they feel and talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up is a good thing.

I feel like you either skimmed the OP or have changed the facts since you read it to suit your narrative. OP's DH didn't communicate that he felt depressed and lost. He gave OP the silent treatment and then accused her of loving the babies more than him. Is he probably depressed and lost? Sure, that's a better explanation than "giant suppurating *sshole." Is he this open communicator being attacked for being in touch with his emotions that you have invented? Nope, not even close.

I think we interpreted the op differently. Probably because of our own husbands coloring how we read it. Sounds to me like they abandoned a date night. He got mad and distant but eventually told her why he was feeling like he was. I assume he didn't get inappropriately angry because the OP doesn't say that. I assume he didn't try to put it all on her because she seems more worried than angry herself. If OP sounded angry and implied this was a long pattern of him ignoring her pain my advice would be different. She posted as someone who knows she has a sensitive husband but who has noticed a downturn in his mental health over the last 7 weeks.

He hasn't been treating her like crap for a prolonged period, he got upset and out took him a day or two to explain why.

I'm not sure what you mean by our husbands coloring our view, unless you're seeing some of your husband in the OP's description and it's making you more sympathetic? Also I'd be worried too if I was jointly responsible for the lives of 2 newborns and the other person who was supposed to be dedicated to their health and safety told me he resented them.

Look, nobody disagrees that OP is being a freaking saint in her reaction to this. I'm not sure why her incredible diplomacy means you think I need to pretend her DH has PPD.

You don't understand how your relationship with your husband and other posters relationships with their husbands can't influence how you give advice when presented with another woman talking about an issue? My husband is supportive and helpful and loving but does have some history with depression. He is more likely to squash it down and muscle through than ops husband which I think has pros and cons. I only have my own life experience to look at when giving advice so I assume based on my life im inclined to feel empathy or look at this with a more generous interpretation.

I'm not trying to convince you he has ppd though and not sure where I said that. I think be sounds depressed and that depression is a serious medical condition that needs attention and that generally relationships where people communicate what they're feeling are healthier than the alternative.

My entire post was that men who are depressed don't have PPD, they have depression. I never said depression wasn't a serious medical condition. (See bolded, underlined quote.) I said it wasn't post-partum depression. Your reaction was "Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life."

You conveniently did not bold the paragraph that inspired my response and that basically directly contradicted or at least really took away credibility from any of your subsequent comments about the legitimacy of depression:

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

Depression is situational and temporary. Assuming this is about sex. A come to jesus will fix it. Depression, in comparison to ppd, doesn't need to be monitored by a psychiatrist. The worst situation for him is checking out of the marriage.

Come on.

I didn't have to quote that, because it's all part of what my broader point was: Depression. Is. Not. PPD. So, "Come on" where? OP's DH is not your DH. He explicitly told her he resents the kids. Thinks she loves the kids more than him. Thinks the sick kid cost him a date night. It's about the kids for him. Which means it is situational and temporary, and one thing that being this angry about cancelling a WEEK SEVEN DATE NIGHT says to those of us who have been there is: he was expecting to get back in the saddle, so yes, sex plays a part. I'm done going back and forth with you. Old boy doesn't have PPD. He's not an amazing communicator. You can't predict doom in my marriage because I had the gall to marry an adult. This comment box is way too long. Have fun practicing your particular form of empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

Preach on. Nailed it.

Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life.

Seriously when you're in a marriage both people need to be supported and communicating when you're feeling depressed and lost is something that should be embraced and not shut down.

Of course to a reasonable extent. He should realize that twins are exceptionally difficult and focus on helping her through this. But no one can control what they feel and talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up is a good thing.

I feel like you either skimmed the OP or have changed the facts since you read it to suit your narrative. OP's DH didn't communicate that he felt depressed and lost. He gave OP the silent treatment and then accused her of loving the babies more than him. Is he probably depressed and lost? Sure, that's a better explanation than "giant suppurating *sshole." Is he this open communicator being attacked for being in touch with his emotions that you have invented? Nope, not even close.

I think we interpreted the op differently. Probably because of our own husbands coloring how we read it. Sounds to me like they abandoned a date night. He got mad and distant but eventually told her why he was feeling like he was. I assume he didn't get inappropriately angry because the OP doesn't say that. I assume he didn't try to put it all on her because she seems more worried than angry herself. If OP sounded angry and implied this was a long pattern of him ignoring her pain my advice would be different. She posted as someone who knows she has a sensitive husband but who has noticed a downturn in his mental health over the last 7 weeks.

He hasn't been treating her like crap for a prolonged period, he got upset and out took him a day or two to explain why.

I'm not sure what you mean by our husbands coloring our view, unless you're seeing some of your husband in the OP's description and it's making you more sympathetic? Also I'd be worried too if I was jointly responsible for the lives of 2 newborns and the other person who was supposed to be dedicated to their health and safety told me he resented them.

Look, nobody disagrees that OP is being a freaking saint in her reaction to this. I'm not sure why her incredible diplomacy means you think I need to pretend her DH has PPD.

You don't understand how your relationship with your husband and other posters relationships with their husbands can't influence how you give advice when presented with another woman talking about an issue? My husband is supportive and helpful and loving but does have some history with depression. He is more likely to squash it down and muscle through than ops husband which I think has pros and cons. I only have my own life experience to look at when giving advice so I assume based on my life im inclined to feel empathy or look at this with a more generous interpretation.

I'm not trying to convince you he has ppd though and not sure where I said that. I think be sounds depressed and that depression is a serious medical condition that needs attention and that generally relationships where people communicate what they're feeling are healthier than the alternative.

My entire post was that men who are depressed don't have PPD, they have depression. I never said depression wasn't a serious medical condition. (See bolded, underlined quote.) I said it wasn't post-partum depression. Your reaction was "Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life."

You conveniently did not bold the paragraph that inspired my response and that basically directly contradicted or at least really took away credibility from any of your subsequent comments about the legitimacy of depression:

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

Depression is situational and temporary. Assuming this is about sex. A come to jesus will fix it. Depression, in comparison to ppd, doesn't need to be monitored by a psychiatrist. The worst situation for him is checking out of the marriage.

Come on.

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Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

Preach on. Nailed it.

Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life.

Seriously when you're in a marriage both people need to be supported and communicating when you're feeling depressed and lost is something that should be embraced and not shut down.

Of course to a reasonable extent. He should realize that twins are exceptionally difficult and focus on helping her through this. But no one can control what they feel and talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up is a good thing.

I feel like you either skimmed the OP or have changed the facts since you read it to suit your narrative. OP's DH didn't communicate that he felt depressed and lost. He gave OP the silent treatment and then accused her of loving the babies more than him. Is he probably depressed and lost? Sure, that's a better explanation than "giant suppurating *sshole." Is he this open communicator being attacked for being in touch with his emotions that you have invented? Nope, not even close.

I think we interpreted the op differently. Probably because of our own husbands coloring how we read it. Sounds to me like they abandoned a date night. He got mad and distant but eventually told her why he was feeling like he was. I assume he didn't get inappropriately angry because the OP doesn't say that. I assume he didn't try to put it all on her because she seems more worried than angry herself. If OP sounded angry and implied this was a long pattern of him ignoring her pain my advice would be different. She posted as someone who knows she has a sensitive husband but who has noticed a downturn in his mental health over the last 7 weeks.

He hasn't been treating her like crap for a prolonged period, he got upset and out took him a day or two to explain why.

I'm not sure what you mean by our husbands coloring our view, unless you're seeing some of your husband in the OP's description and it's making you more sympathetic? Also I'd be worried too if I was jointly responsible for the lives of 2 newborns and the other person who was supposed to be dedicated to their health and safety told me he resented them.

Look, nobody disagrees that OP is being a freaking saint in her reaction to this. I'm not sure why her incredible diplomacy means you think I need to pretend her DH has PPD.

You don't understand how your relationship with your husband and other posters relationships with their husbands can't influence how you give advice when presented with another woman talking about an issue? My husband is supportive and helpful and loving but does have some history with depression. He is more likely to squash it down and muscle through than ops husband which I think has pros and cons. I only have my own life experience to look at when giving advice so I assume based on my life im inclined to feel empathy or look at this with a more generous interpretation.

I'm not trying to convince you he has ppd though and not sure where I said that. I think be sounds depressed and that depression is a serious medical condition that needs attention and that generally relationships where people communicate what they're feeling are healthier than the alternative.

My entire post was that men who are depressed don't have PPD, they have depression. I never said depression wasn't a serious medical condition. (See bolded, underlined quote.) I said it wasn't post-partum depression. Your reaction was "Go spend some time in the relationships forum for a preview of your future life."