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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.[/quote]

Straight A’s? Sounds like a lovely home environment.

We expect our kids to do their best. That’s it.[/quote]
DP.. ok, we say this, too, but for the most part, barring any SN, most upper/middle class kids should be able to get an A unless they are in a super hard magnet class.[/quote]

I remember my first Professor in College freaking me out. He asked how many people in the class expected to get an A. Pretty much everyone raised their hands. He smiled and said that maybe one person would get an A. A few might get A- but most of the class would get a C. Because most people are average. Jaws hit the ground. I tried to drop the class, because I was a 17 year old who was freaked out. My advisor chuckled and suggested I should stick it out, work my hardest and see what happens. I got the A and many of my classmates received B's but there were a lot of C's. No one failed, that I remember. But it was a wake up call for everyone that A's are not automatic and that you need to work for your grade.

The grade I was most proud of in College? My C in statistics. I have a series of LD's and ADHD. I worked my ass off for that C. I am also very proud of the B's I earned in micro and macro economics. Those three classes were a struggle for me. I worked with tutors, went to office hours, and studied my butt off. They were not my strong suit. I have no problem with the grade that I earned because I know how hard I worked. I did not have the skills to earn an A but that is fine.

SES does not influence the raw ability a person has. You can take steps to augment a person who is an average or above average intelligence but most people are not in the 90th percentile. So why would we expect so many A's in school? I don't expect a bell curve in grading but we would be better off remembering that not everyone is able to earn an A.

The mantra in our house is Do your best. We expect our son to make his best effort. I suspect that his best effort will lead to lots of A's but I am not going to be worried about it if he is making his best effort and earns a B.

The OP is way out of line and she knows it. She is trying to justify it but she knows she was out of line.

OP: You 14 year old daughter might have a dream school and a dream career in mind but she is 14 and she doesn't have a clue what it is going to take to get there. It is one thing to guide her, explain to her the requirements and remind her of her goal, and another thing to micro manage her education based on a goal that might very well change. It is one thing to say "If you really want to go to school X and pursue career Y you need to do a better job preparing for your tests. How can I help you learn how to prepare? Can you talk to your teacher and see what type of study advice she/he might have?" It is another thing to lose your cool and jump all over her.

9th grade has an adjustment period. The expectations are going to be different and how you prepare for exams is going to be different. Your daughter needs to learn how to do that.

I understand being upset if she scored poorly because of sloppy work or not studying hard enough but your conversation should focus on those elements and not the grade. By focusing on the grade you create an artificial pressure. If the concern is that she didn't study hard enough or didn't complete her homework and she could have scored higher that is the conversation. If she made her best effort and she earned an 84, then demanding an A is unreasonable. [/quote]

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