Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 09:30     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:Ok, I hear you all. OP here.

She wants a school that’s hard to get into. She’s wanted it for various reasons on her own. I’m really not a helicopter parent. I’m here to tell her you’re aiming for x, you aren’t going to get there without y.

I’m a loving mom who wants to guide their kids in the direction and path they chose. She wants to achieve something and I’m part of guiding her there. I’m not a monster.

Not an elitist either. It’s my kid driving this train.


I don't think you're a monster but you're misguided. This is a good way to create an anxious and unhappy adult. Support and encouragement are one thing, but berating her for not following the course is another. It's obvious to her that this is the goal you want for her so of course she's going to choose it for herself, but she also needs to know that you will love and accept her even if she doesn't reach her goal of getting into this school.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 09:23     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.


Straight A’s? Sounds like a lovely home environment.

We expect our kids to do their best. That’s it.

DP.. ok, we say this, too, but for the most part, barring any SN, most upper/middle class kids should be able to get an A unless they are in a super hard magnet class.


I remember my first Professor in College freaking me out. He asked how many people in the class expected to get an A. Pretty much everyone raised their hands. He smiled and said that maybe one person would get an A. A few might get A- but most of the class would get a C. Because most people are average. Jaws hit the ground. I tried to drop the class, because I was a 17 year old who was freaked out. My advisor chuckled and suggested I should stick it out, work my hardest and see what happens. I got the A and many of my classmates received B's but there were a lot of C's. No one failed, that I remember. But it was a wake up call for everyone that A's are not automatic and that you need to work for your grade.

The grade I was most proud of in College? My C in statistics. I have a series of LD's and ADHD. I worked my ass off for that C. I am also very proud of the B's I earned in micro and macro economics. Those three classes were a struggle for me. I worked with tutors, went to office hours, and studied my butt off. They were not my strong suit. I have no problem with the grade that I earned because I know how hard I worked. I did not have the skills to earn an A but that is fine.

SES does not influence the raw ability a person has. You can take steps to augment a person who is an average or above average intelligence but most people are not in the 90th percentile. So why would we expect so many A's in school? I don't expect a bell curve in grading but we would be better off remembering that not everyone is able to earn an A.

The mantra in our house is Do your best. We expect our son to make his best effort. I suspect that his best effort will lead to lots of A's but I am not going to be worried about it if he is making his best effort and earns a B.

The OP is way out of line and she knows it. She is trying to justify it but she knows she was out of line.

OP: You 14 year old daughter might have a dream school and a dream career in mind but she is 14 and she doesn't have a clue what it is going to take to get there. It is one thing to guide her, explain to her the requirements and remind her of her goal, and another thing to micro manage her education based on a goal that might very well change. It is one thing to say "If you really want to go to school X and pursue career Y you need to do a better job preparing for your tests. How can I help you learn how to prepare? Can you talk to your teacher and see what type of study advice she/he might have?" It is another thing to lose your cool and jump all over her.

9th grade has an adjustment period. The expectations are going to be different and how you prepare for exams is going to be different. Your daughter needs to learn how to do that.

I understand being upset if she scored poorly because of sloppy work or not studying hard enough but your conversation should focus on those elements and not the grade. By focusing on the grade you create an artificial pressure. If the concern is that she didn't study hard enough or didn't complete her homework and she could have scored higher that is the conversation. If she made her best effort and she earned an 84, then demanding an A is unreasonable.

Yep, OP is defensive because she knows she screwed up and has been screwing up for a while with her DD. It is defense mechanism to call dcum not realistic and to think only about how to "fix" her dd so her dd can go back to As, than to face her own failure as a mom. Pretty simple. Truth hurts, so she is avoiding it.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 09:08     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
You sound like my mom. I had anxiety, cutting, and an eating disorder because of all that pressure. I was a solidly B student. Sometimes As. I probably could have been an A student if my mentalhealth was better.

I went to a good college (Denison). Thankfully by the time my junior/senior year came around, my mother had calmed down and also realized that her harshness had a negative impact on me. At that point, she was thrilled I loved the college I was going to.

I have a great career. DS is only 7 but sometimes I see myself turning into my mom about stuff and it scares me. I don't want DS to ever feel the same pressure/sense of disappointment that I felt
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 09:03     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.


Straight A’s? Sounds like a lovely home environment.

We expect our kids to do their best. That’s it.

DP.. ok, we say this, too, but for the most part, barring any SN, most upper/middle class kids should be able to get an A unless they are in a super hard magnet class.


I remember my first Professor in College freaking me out. He asked how many people in the class expected to get an A. Pretty much everyone raised their hands. He smiled and said that maybe one person would get an A. A few might get A- but most of the class would get a C. Because most people are average. Jaws hit the ground. I tried to drop the class, because I was a 17 year old who was freaked out. My advisor chuckled and suggested I should stick it out, work my hardest and see what happens. I got the A and many of my classmates received B's but there were a lot of C's. No one failed, that I remember. But it was a wake up call for everyone that A's are not automatic and that you need to work for your grade.

The grade I was most proud of in College? My C in statistics. I have a series of LD's and ADHD. I worked my ass off for that C. I am also very proud of the B's I earned in micro and macro economics. Those three classes were a struggle for me. I worked with tutors, went to office hours, and studied my butt off. They were not my strong suit. I have no problem with the grade that I earned because I know how hard I worked. I did not have the skills to earn an A but that is fine.

SES does not influence the raw ability a person has. You can take steps to augment a person who is an average or above average intelligence but most people are not in the 90th percentile. So why would we expect so many A's in school? I don't expect a bell curve in grading but we would be better off remembering that not everyone is able to earn an A.

The mantra in our house is Do your best. We expect our son to make his best effort. I suspect that his best effort will lead to lots of A's but I am not going to be worried about it if he is making his best effort and earns a B.

The OP is way out of line and she knows it. She is trying to justify it but she knows she was out of line.

OP: You 14 year old daughter might have a dream school and a dream career in mind but she is 14 and she doesn't have a clue what it is going to take to get there. It is one thing to guide her, explain to her the requirements and remind her of her goal, and another thing to micro manage her education based on a goal that might very well change. It is one thing to say "If you really want to go to school X and pursue career Y you need to do a better job preparing for your tests. How can I help you learn how to prepare? Can you talk to your teacher and see what type of study advice she/he might have?" It is another thing to lose your cool and jump all over her.

9th grade has an adjustment period. The expectations are going to be different and how you prepare for exams is going to be different. Your daughter needs to learn how to do that.

I understand being upset if she scored poorly because of sloppy work or not studying hard enough but your conversation should focus on those elements and not the grade. By focusing on the grade you create an artificial pressure. If the concern is that she didn't study hard enough or didn't complete her homework and she could have scored higher that is the conversation. If she made her best effort and she earned an 84, then demanding an A is unreasonable.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:47     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
This is pretty common among parents who were not high achievers, like OP. She "doesn't want her dd to repeat her mistakes." I know other people, who did not finish college, acting like op. Screaming at their kids for a B. OP going on about her mistakes just reinforces that op has a narrow minded mind set. She can't see the big picture of what matters when you are raising a teen or any child, and hint... it is not the grades.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:38     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I’ve made a million mistakes. We talk a lot about my biggest foibles at home. Lots of laughter.. I tell them to never be scared of failing, biggest lessons learned in life.

What I’m looking for is someone out there with a kid with big dreams, you have realism, not squashing those dreams. Because, I just totally squashed my kid the other day.


OP, I get you. That said, it doesn't mean I agree with you. I get it when kids have big dreams, but sometimes have a lapse of judgment and mess up. From your POV, some things cost more than others and you saw this one test as really "messing" things up for her for the quarter, and she would have to work a lot harder just to go back to where she wanted to be.

I don't know if you're from this area, so do not know if your school has a "portal". Even if your school has a portal, I get that the portal just tells the student their current grade and not what grade they need to get in order to push the quarter average back up to an "A". So I get why an excel spreadsheet is useful to help with grade trajectory. I get it, and I actually don't think it's insane. In college, I kept an excel spreadsheet to know how "hard" or "relax" I can be won my final.

I think that if you have a child who is motivated, she will learn to self-correct, especially on 9th grade. You need to understand that if your daughter is an overachiever, the 84% hurts her more than it hurts you. If she knows why she made the mistakes, that is more important than the grade itself. Your reaction was likely inappropriate and was more discouraging than encouraging. What you need to do:

1. APOLOGIZE to her, for your focus on results, and not methodology.
2. Ask her if she needs your help, and if she says no, then back off.

If she continues to be sloppy with her work, focus on how to help her with the sloppiness. Work with her on strategies. Do not focus on "colleges" or "grades", as these are results. If you get the methodology correct, the rewards will eventually come. Not all kids do well in high school. Not all kids do well in college. It doesn't mean they don't do well in life, nor does it mean they cannot have a successful career.



Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:30     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
OP, you sound manic. Are you manic?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:25     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Op you are so wrong for this. Wow. First off, I got into Ivy’s and ultimately went to Princeton with a C on my transcript freshman year because I was adjusting to high school at a prep school and they saw my improvement. I literally got a D on a math exam due to anxiety and you know what my mom did? She supported me. She helped me. She encouraged me. And that pushed me to work hard because if it was truly MY dream then I would work ON my OWN to make it happen. I know kids with parents like you and it doesn’t end well.. just stop. You want to support and love her. That is you job. That is it. Don’t go down this path. Get therapy.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:20     Subject: Re:Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:Omg we CELEBRATE 84s!


Same here. Especially in math...
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 08:11     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
You are so wrong OP. Your defense points about life is not unicorns are pointless, she clearly knows this. She has do do a spread sheet of her grades! Childhood should be filled with fun, and some studying. You are denying your child her childhood. Right now, yes, her life should be carefree and enjoyed and partying soon if she isn't already. It should not be about coming home mortified and scared that her mom will scream at her because of 84.
That is what you are doing, you are making her scared of you, hence home is unhealthy environment. The fact that you can't see that makes me understand that you are not very smart. Your dd got her smarts somewhere else. Mark my words, you keep this up, a year from now she will be drinking and smoking pot(if she isn't already) and you will think that an 84 was not a hill to die on.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 05:12     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:Not a troll. Please tell me where I went wrong mothering. Please also explain the appropriate age to tell your kids life isn’t rainbows and unicorns.

You might want to be the next Olympic snowboarder, but you aren’t going to there despite the private trainers.

Seriously - no other parents deal with this? Dreams vs. Reality???

I need a solid tonight.


I'm really trying to figure you out OP at 4 30 am and you're fascinating me. Some of your catch phrases lead me to believe that you're just trying too hard to sound woke. "I need a solid tonight"? You keep referring to your daughter's dream. Ok, maybe it's true that her dream is an Ivy (5%). But, I think this is your dream and you've managed to project this onto her likely from middle school. Your past transgressions, 2.9 gpa in college have led you to live vicariously through your DDs accomplishments.

Look, I get it. My DS is a junior and we're in the thick of it. He actually did/does have a dream school and we've watched acceptance rate drop to 20% in less than 4 years. He had a tough sophomore year, doubling up in advanced math classes. I advised him to withdraw from one. He was emphatic and pushed through it and wound up with an 80 gpa in the course. His choice. This year he is calmly killing it. But, to his credit he has built a solid mix of leadership, one varsity sport for 4 years, 200+ service hours devoted to one local charity for 6 years and is now a chair on committee, is Vice chair of HS Business dept, a paid internship 2x week with a start up that is relevant to his major/minor plus other unique talent. Will he have perfect stats? Probably not, but they'll be solid plus he has drive and ambition and is a chill kid that knows what he wants. I still remind him how important this year is when he gets caught up on projects for his new job. The owners are incredible and have guaranteed that he will always have a job with them now and later. They support his idea for an app he created and want to partner in the endeavor. I never would have expected this last year at this time.

Things change and if you allow your DD some slack and let her lead and connect with different mentors, she'll thrive. As others say here, even with perfect stats, 5% acceptance is daunting. Let her build the other traits that colleges want to see that have nothing to do with GPA/scores. If you're not guiding her in this area then she'll be another kid with manufactured grades and scores vying for a selective Ivy. What will make her stand out? What is her passion? Guide her to focus on that. She's only a freshman and can build a great resume with outside interests. Don't try to fit the mold because it's not going to work. Too many of the same competing. An 84 is a drop in the bucket, it means nothing! Real people are not perfect stats. Schools see right through this. Be her partner in this journey to avoid creating a rigid adult that is risk adverse. Burn out is real and life is long. Help her look forward to finding what her passion is, with or without her dream school. Best of luck to your DD!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 02:20     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:OP here. 9th grade. It was a major test. I require that she load all her grades into an excel spreadsheet She creates and understandS the rubric. It’s a life skill. She needs to understand and manage her own life. Measures extend beyond the home.

I’m very hands off. She’s definitely done well so far. It was one test, but an important test. She needs to understand what grade she needs next test to secure an A. It’s a pretty high A.


I don’t think you can require your daughter load all her grades into an excel spreadsheet and think that is equivalent to having her manage her own life or being hands off. Hands off means you’re not looking over her shoulder or micromanaging how she keeps track of her GPA in real time. To be truly hands off/reduce stress to your teen? Let her know that you’re there if she needs you, and MAYBE offer a suggestion or two, but also let her know you trust her and then let her find her way. Even if there are some Bs along the way and she doesn’t get into her favorite school, she will be better off in the long run.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 02:03     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
1. First, let’s get some perspective: Read Frank Bruni’s book, “Where You Go Is Not Who You Will Be.” Also, “The Self Driven Child” by Stixrud/Johnson. Or “Mindset” by Carol Dweck.
2. Make it clear to your child that you are proud of them and their work ethic regardless of grades; there are plenty of good schools, and while they likely will have more choices the higher their grades are, no one grade or test will determine their life trajectory.
3. With the pressure your child is already putting on themself, I would worry more about countering anxiety than fueling drive. If the kid is driven, they will go far, regardless of where they go to college. Everyone makes mistakes or gets disappointing feedback at times, it’s something they (and you) need to be able to handle.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2019 00:04     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve changed your story multiple times. From “expecting straight As” to “she’s driving this”. Nope—I don’t buy it. Each time you’ve posted you’ve tried to explain that you’re not as terrible as you sound. A spreadsheet of grades? That sounds delightful.

And you had a 2.9? So where do you get off putting that kind of pressure and expectations in your kid? She has your genes!


Why wouldn’t a 14 year old be taught to know how they are measured in life? Should she not understand in November how to get an A in her class?

Yes, I expect A’s because she can achieve these grades. It’s rote memorization and some emerging critical thinking. In sum, she’s very capable.

As for my 2.9, I clearly didn’t do well in undergrad. Too much partying. I played a lot of spades. I didn’t care about grades the first two years. Young and dumb.

To each their own, but I’m supporting my daughter with her life goals.

Anonymous
Post 10/21/2019 23:44     Subject: Grades - I screwed up
OP here. Here’s how it worked out. She corrected her work on her own. She’s absolutely driven.

I did not communicate well that this is her dream, not mine for her. I’m not a “live vicariously through my kids” kind of mom at all.

My fear as a Mom, not tempering her dreams with reality. Some of you have provided really great wisdom - thank you!!!