Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm not in the same position as the OP but can relate somewhat. My husband and I each make what OP's husband makes; actually I make a bit more and he makes a bit less. We both have a lot of flexibility but I have substantially more in-the-office/management responsibilities than he does (he's an academic.) I leaned out briefly while he tried a political job, but it didn't suit him. Since then my job has expanded a lot.

Like OP, I've handled 100% of the 'mental load' of parenting, actually of adulthood in general - all kid appointments and activities; all cooking/shopping; all vacations or nights out; all managing the house. I have tried to shift discrete items to him, but it still requires constant intervention: for example he refuses to be on the email/TeamSnap chains for kid sports so even if he agrees to drive to practice I have to tell him when and where (and often give directions, since he basically refuses to remember which park is which.) He also manages our savings/investments and does a bit more of the homework load with our oldest now, in HS. But on literally every other thing on any adult/parent's to-do list, it's like having a third kid. I've turned down at least 5 jobs that would have boosted my career significantly in part because of the way our lives are, although that was always my choice, mostly about wanting to be around my kids, and in my husband's defense he always encourages me to lean in and promises to do whatever is necessary to make that happen.

We make plenty by any standard but don't come from money (still paying student loans while desperately saving for college) so we can't totally hire our way out of this problem. And as I think your OP hints, in the end hiring someone doesn't really eliminate the burden of managing that person. Personally I found it harder to manage a nanny than to use daycare.

The bottom line with my DH and probably yours as well OP is that it isn't going to change. You have to decide whether you can live with things the way they are or whether there are different solutions for you that would make you happier: a different job, moving near family or moving them to you. Or finding the type of nanny that some of my colleagues has, who literally does every thing from getting the oil changed in the cars to packing for family trips. Yes, ideally we'd all have perfect partners, and if I'd known how my life would turn out, perhaps I would have made a different choice. But as I said at the top, it is what it is and the fact that you are pulling in a big paycheck gives you a lot of options. Obviously another solution is divorce; I have one friend with a slacker husband who went that route and is very happy. It helps that she has one kid, a trust fund, and very engaged grandparents.[/quote]

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