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[quote=Anonymous]I think your daughter wants you to set a boundary. I think that’s why she told you as much as she did and challenged your ability to do anything about what’s happening at school. As a 14 yo girl, she’s probably taken with the guy, excited by the attention, but also a little scared. She needs you to be the grownup right now because she isn’t an adult yet but can’t back down and be a child either.

You don’t say whether this man is objectionable in any way other than age, and you seem to know his family. There’s no instance where it’s ok for a 20yo to date a 14yo, but whether he has other issues determines whether this is merely serious or a real emergency. If it’s a real emergency (ie he’s abusing her, grooming her to be emotionally dependent on him, isolating her from others, is involved in crime or drugs, etc), please pull your daughter from that school. Take out a protective order against him. If you have a relative in another city, have your daughter live there for awhile without her own phone (or least an unmonitored one). If you don’t, find a different school and devote yourself to monitoring her whereabouts and communications. It won’t be fun, and she will hate you temporarily. If this is an emergency, it’s necessary.

If the guy is merely too old, then this is serious but there’s no reason to be as disruptive as described above. Still, please realize that 20yo men, as a general rule, have sex with their girlfriends. If they can’t see each other outside of school hours, that lessens the risk but doesn’t eliminate it. I don’t know what your values are OP, but even if you’re cool with teen sex, the maturity and power difference in this relationship makes it a problem. Put your DD on birth control. You might not stop them from being intimate, but you can help to protect her future. Finally, I’d invite the guy and his parents over for a talk and include your (mortified) DD. I’d explain how uncomfortable you are with their relationship and let them know that if there is any illegal conduct (including sexting or live sexual contact), you will notify police and pursue charges against him. If your DD’s school admin is approachable, I would at least make them aware of the situation. They can’t keep them apart, but they can notify you if they skip school together and generally watch for warning signs that this is more serious.

Look, I know women who had these kinds of relationships as teens. They all lived through it, but few of them have what I’d call healthy romantic relationships as adults. That might be a coincidence, but I wouldn’t bet my DD’s future on it. [/quote]

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