Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you guys not understanding? He started school a year late, then he was held back another year due to medical issues. Regular 18 year old senior plus 2 years of being held back equals 20. Geez. Some of you should go back to school too.

+1
Honestly, why are you all so adamant that this guy doesn't belong in high school? There are plenty more horror stories about 16, 17, 18-year-old "boys" taking advantage of, or raping, or leading vulnerable girls down unsavory paths, etc. than the random 20-year-old that still happens to be in high school.

There's the added element of the 20 year old being so much older. I have a 14 year old. I would think any 20 year old, whether he's a junior in college or a senior in high school, showing romantic interest in my daughter is a creep. The difference between 20 and 14 is huge.

There are 14/15/16/17/18 year olds I'd think were jerks or behaved inappropriately and wouldn't want my daughter to be linked romantically to, but they don't also have that creepy pedophile vibe that a 20 year old's interest in my daughter would have.

So it creeps you out... but what is actually more damaging to your daughter?

Being groomed by a pedophile is more damaging.

Your child is going to encounter jerks throughout his or her life. Having adults work to teach your child to ignore any of her instincts in order to gratify the adult is worse than dealing with a jerky peer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so certain the 20-year- old is an upstanding citizen?

NP. I think these things can be equally damaging, but I also think a 14-year-old is more likely to tell parents or other authority figures, or even at the personal level argue or fight back with another "child." She is less likely to do so with someone she sees as older and more sophisticated.

This is a huge age difference. A 14-year-old is young for sex; a 20-year-old is old not to be having it. Those of you who are being devil's advocates here, or are assuming the best of everyone ... ok. Invite the guy home and let him date your daughter. I want my high-school freshman to date closer to her own age and life experience, both in and out of school.

Donald trump is 71 years old
Melania trump is 47 years old

They are both adults. OP's daughter is minor. Don't you think there is a difference?

Anonymous wrote:A 20 year old senior??

You will be surprised how many illegal "kids" are in high schools in this area who are over 21. Nobody really know their age, they could be even 25.

I think your daughter wants you to set a boundary. I think that’s why she told you as much as she did and challenged your ability to do anything about what’s happening at school. As a 14 yo girl, she’s probably taken with the guy, excited by the attention, but also a little scared. She needs you to be the grownup right now because she isn’t an adult yet but can’t back down and be a child either.

You don’t say whether this man is objectionable in any way other than age, and you seem to know his family. There’s no instance where it’s ok for a 20yo to date a 14yo, but whether he has other issues determines whether this is merely serious or a real emergency. If it’s a real emergency (ie he’s abusing her, grooming her to be emotionally dependent on him, isolating her from others, is involved in crime or drugs, etc), please pull your daughter from that school. Take out a protective order against him. If you have a relative in another city, have your daughter live there for awhile without her own phone (or least an unmonitored one). If you don’t, find a different school and devote yourself to monitoring her whereabouts and communications. It won’t be fun, and she will hate you temporarily. If this is an emergency, it’s necessary.

If the guy is merely too old, then this is serious but there’s no reason to be as disruptive as described above. Still, please realize that 20yo men, as a general rule, have sex with their girlfriends. If they can’t see each other outside of school hours, that lessens the risk but doesn’t eliminate it. I don’t know what your values are OP, but even if you’re cool with teen sex, the maturity and power difference in this relationship makes it a problem. Put your DD on birth control. You might not stop them from being intimate, but you can help to protect her future. Finally, I’d invite the guy and his parents over for a talk and include your (mortified) DD. I’d explain how uncomfortable you are with their relationship and let them know that if there is any illegal conduct (including sexting or live sexual contact), you will notify police and pursue charges against him. If your DD’s school admin is approachable, I would at least make them aware of the situation. They can’t keep them apart, but they can notify you if they skip school together and generally watch for warning signs that this is more serious.

Look, I know women who had these kinds of relationships as teens. They all lived through it, but few of them have what I’d call healthy romantic relationships as adults. That might be a coincidence, but I wouldn’t bet my DD’s future on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so certain the 20-year- old is an upstanding citizen?

NP. I think these things can be equally damaging, but I also think a 14-year-old is more likely to tell parents or other authority figures, or even at the personal level argue or fight back with another "child." She is less likely to do so with someone she sees as older and more sophisticated.

This is a huge age difference. A 14-year-old is young for sex; a 20-year-old is old not to be having it. Those of you who are being devil's advocates here, or are assuming the best of everyone ... ok. Invite the guy home and let him date your daughter. I want my high-school freshman to date closer to her own age and life experience, both in and out of school.

Donald trump is 71 years old
Melania trump is 47 years old

And that's a functional relationship...

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so certain the 20-year- old is an upstanding citizen?

NP. I think these things can be equally damaging, but I also think a 14-year-old is more likely to tell parents or other authority figures, or even at the personal level argue or fight back with another "child." She is less likely to do so with someone she sees as older and more sophisticated.

This is a huge age difference. A 14-year-old is young for sex; a 20-year-old is old not to be having it. Those of you who are being devil's advocates here, or are assuming the best of everyone ... ok. Invite the guy home and let him date your daughter. I want my high-school freshman to date closer to her own age and life experience, both in and out of school.

Donald trump is 71 years old
Melania trump is 47 years old

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you guys not understanding? He started school a year late, then he was held back another year due to medical issues. Regular 18 year old senior plus 2 years of being held back equals 20. Geez. Some of you should go back to school too.

+1
Honestly, why are you all so adamant that this guy doesn't belong in high school? There are plenty more horror stories about 16, 17, 18-year-old "boys" taking advantage of, or raping, or leading vulnerable girls down unsavory paths, etc. than the random 20-year-old that still happens to be in high school.

There's the added element of the 20 year old being so much older. I have a 14 year old. I would think any 20 year old, whether he's a junior in college or a senior in high school, showing romantic interest in my daughter is a creep. The difference between 20 and 14 is huge.

There are 14/15/16/17/18 year olds I'd think were jerks or behaved inappropriately and wouldn't want my daughter to be linked romantically to, but they don't also have that creepy pedophile vibe that a 20 year old's interest in my daughter would have.

So it creeps you out... but what is actually more damaging to your daughter?

Why are you so certain the 20-year- old is an upstanding citizen?

NP. I think these things can be equally damaging, but I also think a 14-year-old is more likely to tell parents or other authority figures, or even at the personal level argue or fight back with another "child." She is less likely to do so with someone she sees as older and more sophisticated.

This is a huge age difference. A 14-year-old is young for sex; a 20-year-old is old not to be having it. Those of you who are being devil's advocates here, or are assuming the best of everyone ... ok. Invite the guy home and let him date your daughter. I want my high-school freshman to date closer to her own age and life experience, both in and out of school.