Reply to My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents.  Boundary 1:  I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there.  You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it.  This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it.  I get it.  Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon.  Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.

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Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents  will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.  
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+1000. OP, you are as much of an enabler as your parents are because you have enabled them to enable him. And just like your parents, you are refusing to make hard choices and are thereby perpetuating the situation. You need a lot of help seeing your own role and making proper choices. [/quote]

To be fair, I don't think she's enabled them to enable him.... YET. But this is the time where she needs to step up and cut them off, for sure.

OP, the way that I'd see it is that your bother made horrible decisions that aren't good for him, waste money and drag other people down into his mess. You can't reason with him and he's not thinking straight. He's an addict. Your parents have also made horrible decisions that aren't good for them, waste money and drag other people down into their mess. You can't reason with them and they're not thinking straight. It's like they're addicts too.

I'd get myself to Al-Anon to learn to feel okay with doing what I need to do to protect my family. Which in this case, due to the young children etc, means certainly finding alternative childcare arrangements and cutting off all flow of money from you to your parents, regardless of the form it takes (since really it's just passing it directly to your brother's drug dealer, as I'm sure you know).

It's a sucky situation for everyone now. But OP only has one course of action, really. Maybe after her brother ODs, she can let her parents back into her life again. But I wouldn't stay involved in that mess now.

They're all adults, and they all need to live with the consequences of their actions. [/quote]

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