Anonymous
11/24/2017 22:03
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Can you tell your parents while they are watching your kids, they can't allow your brother to be there too. If they do, you will have to stop paying for their apartment and instead get a nanny. They can see your brother on their own time when your kids are not there.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 19:17
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
OP, do you have an update? Thinking about you.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 21:48
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
I’m in a similar situation, except no one has heard from my brother in a few years and we oresume he died on the streets as a John Doe.
No one really understands until they have walked in our shoes.
No one really understands until they have walked in our shoes.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 21:34
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Long time member of Al-Anon here (19 years). Sadly, I have heard variations of your story in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Many posters here have advised you to attend Al-Anon meetings. Of course I second the motion. Whether your brother stays in AZ or not, the program of Al-Anon helps with setting boundaries with anyone: addicts, alcoholics, telemarketers, enabling relatives who want you to enable them so they can enable addicts, rude people in line at the grocery checkout, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
It is hard to explain, really, how Al-Anon can be a benefit. We don't offer a magic potion that can cure the addict. We are not a bunch of cheerleaders cheering on the addicts in recovery. We don't sit around bitching about the addict. So what good is it to attend Al-Anon? I think the number one thing, for myself, and for most of us who attend, is that it is safe there. Everyone else is familiar with the craziness that is going on in our lives, and no one judges us for what is going on in our lives. It is so liberating to be able to talk about what is going on with people who understand what we are going through.
I like Al-Anon better than going to therapy. The meetings are usually held in the evening so you don't have to take time off work, you don't have to file insurance paperwork, there is a simple donation basket in the middle of the table as opposed to the $90 an hour for therapy. And we sometimes go out to eat afterward. You can go to 1 meeting in your lifetime, or you can go to meetings every day of your life for the rest of your life.
I find it heartbreaking how many family members put their own lives on hold and spend years devoted to trying to fix the alcoholic or addict. The reality is that 90 percent of addicts and alcoholics continue to use until they die. An addict's primary relationship is with the drugs. They will destroy anything and anyone who interferes with that primary relationship. And they will also use up anyone who facilitates that primary relationship.
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
Wishing you peace.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 21:28
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Long time member of Al-Anon here (19 years). Sadly, I have heard variations of your story in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Many posters here have advised you to attend Al-Anon meetings. Of course I second the motion. Whether your brother stays in AZ or not, the program of Al-Anon helps with setting boundaries with anyone: addicts, alcoholics, telemarketers, enabling relatives who want you to enable them so they can enable addicts, rude people in line at the grocery checkout, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
It is hard to explain, really, how Al-Anon can be a benefit. We don't offer a magic potion that can cure the addict. We are not a bunch of cheerleaders cheering on the addicts in recovery. We don't sit around bitching about the addict. So what good is it to attend Al-Anon? I think the number one thing, for myself, and for most of us who attend, is that it is safe there. Everyone else is familiar with the craziness that is going on in our lives, and no one judges us for what is going on in our lives. It is so liberating to be able to talk about what is going on with people who understand what we are going through.
I like Al-Anon better than going to therapy. The meetings are usually held in the evening so you don't have to take time off work, you don't have to file insurance paperwork, there is a simple donation basket in the middle of the table as opposed to the $90 an hour for therapy. And we sometimes go out to eat afterward. You can go to 1 meeting in your lifetime, or you can go to meetings every day of your life for the rest of your life.
I find it heartbreaking how many family members put their own lives on hold and spend years devoted to trying to fix the alcoholic or addict. The reality is that 90 percent of addicts and alcoholics continue to use until they die. An addict's primary relationship is with the drugs. They will destroy anything and anyone who interferes with that primary relationship. And they will also use up anyone who facilitates that primary relationship.
Many posters here have advised you to attend Al-Anon meetings. Of course I second the motion. Whether your brother stays in AZ or not, the program of Al-Anon helps with setting boundaries with anyone: addicts, alcoholics, telemarketers, enabling relatives who want you to enable them so they can enable addicts, rude people in line at the grocery checkout, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
It is hard to explain, really, how Al-Anon can be a benefit. We don't offer a magic potion that can cure the addict. We are not a bunch of cheerleaders cheering on the addicts in recovery. We don't sit around bitching about the addict. So what good is it to attend Al-Anon? I think the number one thing, for myself, and for most of us who attend, is that it is safe there. Everyone else is familiar with the craziness that is going on in our lives, and no one judges us for what is going on in our lives. It is so liberating to be able to talk about what is going on with people who understand what we are going through.
I like Al-Anon better than going to therapy. The meetings are usually held in the evening so you don't have to take time off work, you don't have to file insurance paperwork, there is a simple donation basket in the middle of the table as opposed to the $90 an hour for therapy. And we sometimes go out to eat afterward. You can go to 1 meeting in your lifetime, or you can go to meetings every day of your life for the rest of your life.
I find it heartbreaking how many family members put their own lives on hold and spend years devoted to trying to fix the alcoholic or addict. The reality is that 90 percent of addicts and alcoholics continue to use until they die. An addict's primary relationship is with the drugs. They will destroy anything and anyone who interferes with that primary relationship. And they will also use up anyone who facilitates that primary relationship.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 21:25
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Your brother is a piece of shit. I completely sympathize with you wishing he was never born. I will go further and say I hope he overdoses soon. All the rest of you sanctimonious jackasses can kiss my butt. Addicts are the most selfish, narcissistic people out there. They do not give a flip who they destroy, only the next recreational high. F them.
Harsh but true. He doesn't care about you, or your parents. Why should you care about him?
Anonymous
11/10/2017 21:19
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
There are nice apartments for low income seniors that also provide some meals. They have supervision to be sure that adult children don't move in permanently. This sounds like your best solution.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 20:54
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Everyone (except brother) needs to go to Al-anon together.
I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
This
Should I go to Nar-Anon since he's a drug addict? Or are the strategies the same and it doesn't matter between Al-anon and Nar-anon?
Long time member of Al-Anon here. Either one. Al-Anon is focused on the family members of alcoholics. Nar-Anon is focused on the families of addicts. Many family members of addicts attend Al-Anon simply because there are more Al-Anon meetings available to attend.
I have a friend who was in Al-Anon for several years when he decided to start a Nar-Anon meeting, since there were none in our county. I asked him what was the difference between the two. He said, "Alcoholics destroy your finances and home and family in two decades. Addicts do it in two years."
Anonymous
11/10/2017 19:55
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:I am so sad and sorry to hear your story. It must be so difficult for you. My sympathy and know you are not alone.
+1
we are thinking of you. you can count on our support such as it is through this board.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 19:43
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Your brother is a piece of shit. I completely sympathize with you wishing he was never born. I will go further and say I hope he overdoses soon. All the rest of you sanctimonious jackasses can kiss my butt. Addicts are the most selfish, narcissistic people out there. They do not give a flip who they destroy, only the next recreational high. F them.
You realize that you have zero place wishing the death of another human being "on behalf" of someone. Jesus. The anger will eventually poison you as much as the smack does to OPs brother
Anonymous
11/10/2017 19:08
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.
Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.
+1000. OP, you are as much of an enabler as your parents are because you have enabled them to enable him. And just like your parents, you are refusing to make hard choices and are thereby perpetuating the situation. You need a lot of help seeing your own role and making proper choices.
To be fair, I don't think she's enabled them to enable him.... YET. But this is the time where she needs to step up and cut them off, for sure.
OP, the way that I'd see it is that your bother made horrible decisions that aren't good for him, waste money and drag other people down into his mess. You can't reason with him and he's not thinking straight. He's an addict. Your parents have also made horrible decisions that aren't good for them, waste money and drag other people down into their mess. You can't reason with them and they're not thinking straight. It's like they're addicts too.
I'd get myself to Al-Anon to learn to feel okay with doing what I need to do to protect my family. Which in this case, due to the young children etc, means certainly finding alternative childcare arrangements and cutting off all flow of money from you to your parents, regardless of the form it takes (since really it's just passing it directly to your brother's drug dealer, as I'm sure you know).
It's a sucky situation for everyone now. But OP only has one course of action, really. Maybe after her brother ODs, she can let her parents back into her life again. But I wouldn't stay involved in that mess now.
They're all adults, and they all need to live with the consequences of their actions.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 18:22
Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.
Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.
+1000. OP, you are as much of an enabler as your parents are because you have enabled them to enable him. And just like your parents, you are refusing to make hard choices and are thereby perpetuating the situation. You need a lot of help seeing your own role and making proper choices.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 18:16
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. This is such a tough situation.
I agree with PP that you need to be attending al-anon and if you can, therapy. Your OP shows you viewing your brother as though he is healthy and capable in the same way you are healthy and capable. He isn't. He has a disease. It is OK and normal to be angry but it isn't the best place to be in if you are trying to resolve the situation.
I think you need to come up with your boundaries and stick with them. Having your children not around your brother seems like a reasonable and sensible boundary to me. Al-anon and therapy will help you with all of this. Sounds like you and your sister are united and should support one another with this.
As depressing as it is for your dad to be dealing with this at this stage in life, he and your mom also have some responsibility in creating this situation from the years of enabling your brother.
WTF? The parents do not bear responsibility for the situation of their adult son.
NP. On the contrary, they bear absolute responsibility for running their finances into the ground... and that's ultimately the "situation" affecting the OP.
Anonymous
11/10/2017 17:56
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.
These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.
Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.
You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.
The end.
How do I drag them to meetings? They are adults too. I've told them they are enabling him and that they are just prolonging his problems and keeping him from getting well. My dad says he will "support his kids until he is broke or dead."
Surely as a parent you can understand this, no? I'm not saying your dad is doing it right, but at least try to see where he is coming from. That brother you hate so much is your parents' son. The son they love ever bit as much as you love your children.
This isn't about LOVE. All parents love their children. This is about enabling destructive behavior. Serious question pp: If your kid smoked and had no money for cigarettes would you buy him a pack?
Anonymous
11/10/2017 17:56
Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
I'm sorry OP. Your brother is a piece of shit. I completely sympathize with you wishing he was never born. I will go further and say I hope he overdoses soon. All the rest of you sanctimonious jackasses can kiss my butt. Addicts are the most selfish, narcissistic people out there. They do not give a flip who they destroy, only the next recreational high. F them.