Reply to how could I have handled this better -- found self in argument with both DS, 3 and DH

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A couple things...your DH should be more supportive of you in front of your child. We try to use language like "we don't say that in our family" for things like "I don't want you," talk about empathy, and work on phrasing requests nicely.

To prevent yourself from getting triggered, I'd look at the source of your shame. Acknowledge that you feel ashamed when you are rejected. That's ok. It's very painful to not feel wanted and loved. You feel ashamed of that pain, and you are lashing out in part to protect yourself. But mainly it's very painful and you are ashamed -- ashamed of not being loved/wanted, ashamed of how much it hurts and helpless you feel to "fix" it by being nicer, better, bigger. I think understanding yourself on that level will help you connect with your son better. And giving compassion to yourself will help take the sting away from the perceived judgments of others, including your in laws and your son. They can't hurt you if you feel safe with yourself.[/quote]

Sorry, 21:05 here. To be clear, we allow our child to express a preference. But requests to change parents or what not must be expressed respectfully. The answer could be yes or no depending on what we parents decide. The desire itself is always validated and acknowledged, after it is expressed in an appropriate (not rude or hurtful) way. For ex, shouting I don't want you! at someone who is trying to be nice isn't appropriate. We give the child space, then ask for what they do want and work on a respectful way of asking for that. Child could say, I'd like daddy to do it now, please, or please don't touch my back, etc.[/quote]

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