Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but didn't see anyone with this perspective. OP, please consider that you need to relay to your children that it is okay to rebuff ANYONE from ANY unwanted physical touches. I've told my kids that if they don't want a hug, kiss, or whatever, from whomever, they are free to say that. You don't want your kids to accept touches from people because they are guilted into it by you because they need to know that saying no is ALWAYS okay. That said, I clearly get your kid is holding this over you. You need to let it go though. I also think your husband was blowing it out of proportion and what he said wasn't appropriate in front of your son but what you said in front of your son in response was awful. You're far, far more at fault.

insanity

I haven't read all the responses, but didn't see anyone with this perspective. OP, please consider that you need to relay to your children that it is okay to rebuff ANYONE from ANY unwanted physical touches. I've told my kids that if they don't want a hug, kiss, or whatever, from whomever, they are free to say that. You don't want your kids to accept touches from people because they are guilted into it by you because they need to know that saying no is ALWAYS okay. That said, I clearly get your kid is holding this over you. You need to let it go though. I also think your husband was blowing it out of proportion and what he said wasn't appropriate in front of your son but what you said in front of your son in response was awful. You're far, far more at fault.

As parents, we face challenges in parenting our children. Tantrums are part of normal development. It will be helpful if you and your husband are on the same page in raising you child, because if you are not, the kid will end up going to one parent and not the other, or he will have stronger relationship with one, there will be conflict between the parents and it can get really complicated. You can try to talk to your husband regarding this.

In my 20 years of marriage, I can say that communication is important. You may try to talk to your husband about how you really feel. We also experienced some problems to keep our marriage happy after we become parents. There will always be disagreements in any relationship but having healthy marriage is possible. By God’s help, you can have a beautiful marriage and be a better parent too. This article might help you, http://bit.ly/2oyTMI0
Praying for you that things will be alright in your family. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry that your son treats you that way. I would loose my shit on him and he would be spanked each time he talked to me like that. Your dh, no words

Loose your shit huh?

I guess there is some correlation between education and imposing physical violence on your children.

Loose shits are the easiest to lose. Every try to lose one of those big, hard, compact ones? It's excruciating.

I'm not sure op is a reliable narrator, and I find myself questioning how accurately she's reporting the arm touch incident. It sounds too odd to be real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry, but I see a lot of missteps on your part here.


10 hours in the car -- child who is irritable and touched out -- you picking a fight over nothing. Why do you get to this point?

Disagree!! New poster here. I think DH was enabling DS. OP was hurt. I would be, too. I think it is good she stood up for herself because it sounds like there is a history/pattern here. Could OP have chosen a "better" time to address the issue? Yes. However, she is human, and viscerally reacted.

Op is an adult. Her ds is 3. I would expect her to be more capable of managing her emotions than the 3yo. There's no reason to be hurt and "viscerally" reacting when a tired 3yo wants daddy instead of mommy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DS asked you not to touch him, your DH asked you not to touch him. Do you think that just because you're mom you have carte blanche to touch everyone?

I am not OP but I actually do feel like in my family I have a carte blanche to touch other people without being looked at like I have two heads. I touch DD all the time. Sometimes she pulls away and thats ok. I touch DH all the time. Sometimes its romantic sometimes it's not. Sometimes its lingering and sometimes its not.

NEVER it is met with an intense, 'get your hands off of me right now.'

My read here is that OP is very focused on her own POV/needs. My guess is that OP and her DH have very different ways of expressing affection and very different temperaments and ways of communicating and that DS is more like dad than mom. I have a sensitive, introverted kid who is a lot like me and isn't very expressive. He is really bonded with me and I know it hurts his dad when DS only wants me for comfort, but the more DH fights DS's preference, the worse it gets. DS wants me because I am in tune with him and intuitively know what kind of comfort he needs.

What you need, OP is to stop trying to comfort your kid in a way that feels good to you and start observing, listening to and learning about the kid you actually have. My guess is that you often try to force both your husband and your son into your own preconceived mold and that both of them are reacting to that controlling behavior.

If op is accurately relating what her DH said and there is no history or abuse in their relationship then I'm just really having trouble coming up with any interpretation of this incident that goes in the husband's favor. She might be needy, he might not respond well to that. It doesn't excuse treating her like she assaulted him and then demanding she apologize for it.

And once again I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. It is simply not appropriate to frame non aggressive physical contact from a spouse as abusive. If nothing else it signifies SERIOUS problems in the marriage.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DS asked you not to touch him, your DH asked you not to touch him. Do you think that just because you're mom you have carte blanche to touch everyone?

I am not OP but I actually do feel like in my family I have a carte blanche to touch other people without being looked at like I have two heads. I touch DD all the time. Sometimes she pulls away and thats ok. I touch DH all the time. Sometimes its romantic sometimes it's not. Sometimes its lingering and sometimes its not.

NEVER it is met with an intense, 'get your hands off of me right now.'

My read here is that OP is very focused on her own POV/needs. My guess is that OP and her DH have very different ways of expressing affection and very different temperaments and ways of communicating and that DS is more like dad than mom. I have a sensitive, introverted kid who is a lot like me and isn't very expressive. He is really bonded with me and I know it hurts his dad when DS only wants me for comfort, but the more DH fights DS's preference, the worse it gets. DS wants me because I am in tune with him and intuitively know what kind of comfort he needs.

What you need, OP is to stop trying to comfort your kid in a way that feels good to you and start observing, listening to and learning about the kid you actually have. My guess is that you often try to force both your husband and your son into your own preconceived mold and that both of them are reacting to that controlling behavior.

If op is accurately relating what her DH said and there is no history or abuse in their relationship then I'm just really having trouble coming up with any interpretation of this incident that goes in the husband's favor. She might be needy, he might not respond well to that. It doesn't excuse treating her like she assaulted him and then demanding she apologize for it.

And once again I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. It is simply not appropriate to frame non aggressive physical contact from a spouse as abusive. If nothing else it signifies SERIOUS problems in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry, but I see a lot of missteps on your part here.


10 hours in the car -- child who is irritable and touched out -- you picking a fight over nothing. Why do you get to this point?

Disagree!! New poster here. I think DH was enabling DS. OP was hurt. I would be, too. I think it is good she stood up for herself because it sounds like there is a history/pattern here. Could OP have chosen a "better" time to address the issue? Yes. However, she is human, and viscerally reacted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DS asked you not to touch him, your DH asked you not to touch him. Do you think that just because you're mom you have carte blanche to touch everyone?

I am not OP but I actually do feel like in my family I have a carte blanche to touch other people without being looked at like I have two heads. I touch DD all the time. Sometimes she pulls away and thats ok. I touch DH all the time. Sometimes its romantic sometimes it's not. Sometimes its lingering and sometimes its not.

NEVER it is met with an intense, 'get your hands off of me right now.'

My read here is that OP is very focused on her own POV/needs. My guess is that OP and her DH have very different ways of expressing affection and very different temperaments and ways of communicating and that DS is more like dad than mom. I have a sensitive, introverted kid who is a lot like me and isn't very expressive. He is really bonded with me and I know it hurts his dad when DS only wants me for comfort, but the more DH fights DS's preference, the worse it gets. DS wants me because I am in tune with him and intuitively know what kind of comfort he needs.

What you need, OP is to stop trying to comfort your kid in a way that feels good to you and start observing, listening to and learning about the kid you actually have. My guess is that you often try to force both your husband and your son into your own preconceived mold and that both of them are reacting to that controlling behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry that your son treats you that way. I would loose my shit on him and he would be spanked each time he talked to me like that. Your dh, no words

Loose your shit huh?

I guess there is some correlation between education and imposing physical violence on your children.

I'm so sorry that your son treats you that way. I would loose my shit on him and he would be spanked each time he talked to me like that. Your dh, no words

Anonymous wrote:A couple things...your DH should be more supportive of you in front of your child. We try to use language like "we don't say that in our family" for things like "I don't want you," talk about empathy, and work on phrasing requests nicely.

To prevent yourself from getting triggered, I'd look at the source of your shame. Acknowledge that you feel ashamed when you are rejected. That's ok. It's very painful to not feel wanted and loved. You feel ashamed of that pain, and you are lashing out in part to protect yourself. But mainly it's very painful and you are ashamed -- ashamed of not being loved/wanted, ashamed of how much it hurts and helpless you feel to "fix" it by being nicer, better, bigger. I think understanding yourself on that level will help you connect with your son better. And giving compassion to yourself will help take the sting away from the perceived judgments of others, including your in laws and your son. They can't hurt you if you feel safe with yourself.

Sorry, 21:05 here. To be clear, we allow our child to express a preference. But requests to change parents or what not must be expressed respectfully. The answer could be yes or no depending on what we parents decide. The desire itself is always validated and acknowledged, after it is expressed in an appropriate (not rude or hurtful) way. For ex, shouting I don't want you! at someone who is trying to be nice isn't appropriate. We give the child space, then ask for what they do want and work on a respectful way of asking for that. Child could say, I'd like daddy to do it now, please, or please don't touch my back, etc.

Op you seem to have some serious insecurity and neediness issues. Kids really pick up on that and can be brutal about it. If you go to therapy and work on your self esteem and confidence it will probably go a long way toward improving your relationship with your son, instead of thinking your husband can somehow fix it for you. Keep in mind that even if your husband was (god forbid) out of the picture you would not be guaranteed your son's attention and affection.

Meanwhile, you really can't ask your husband to be babysitting both of you, and your need for attention right when your spouse is dealing with your child's acting out under very tough conditions is disconcerting. I'm not surprised he snapped at you because, in dealing with two attention seekers one expects that the adult one should really know better. Your dh needs a partner! This means you need to rise above hurt feelings; know that you can't take preferences personally when it comes from a child, and find another way to pitch in and help out in a tough situation. Instead you had a tantrum, and made it all about you instead of the kid.

Also realize DH really can't do much to help you with your relationship with the kid. you seem to blame him or his father for causing the problems, but that's very unlikely.

Parenting is a marathon, your kid might very well 'hate' his dad in another phase or act out in other embarrassing ways. If you are insecure and needy enough to let these things get to you, it will make things very tough on everyone, and likely drive your son further away.

I think you're expecting too much from your DS and you should let things like this slide more often. My DD often wants DH to put her to bed. As long as he is on board we let it be. Only rarely do we override her preferences...when it's important to us.