Reply to Intimacy vs sex-- which is more important?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is exactly what I am saying.... men expect what they ask for.[/quote]yes, don't we all?

[quote=Anonymous]Their drive does not correlate to what they ask for[/quote]Really?

[quote=Anonymous]10 men with the same sex drive want different things... frequency.[/quote]not sure your point, of course there is some variation within any group

[quote=Anonymous]If they get what they ask for... 1x a week/1x a day/1x a month... they are happy.[/quote]yes. Now let's assume that what he is asking for remains pretty consistent over time.

[quote=Anonymous]If they don't get what they ask for they are unhappy.[/quote]yes. And if that were the case before marriage, the couple splits up long before any wedding

[quote=Anonymous]But, if they change their expectation, like most evolved humans, they can adapt and change their expectation... their expectation is not 
biological and not linked to drive. So when the baby comes, if they still expect sex 3 times a week and get it once a week, they are unhappy.[/quote]I don't see too many DHs complaining that, with an infant in the house, they are down from 3X to 1X per week. So that is a strawman argument. Look beyond that 12 month blip and then look at who's expectations are reasonable.

[quote=Anonymous]If they expect it once a week and get it they are happy. [/quote]yes

[quote=Anonymous]It has nothing to do with drive, it has to do with expectation. [/quote]Take the following prototypical scenario:
- man's drive remains constant (ie, not a spike upward in drive)
- couple has a satisfying sexlife before marriage (otherwise, they would never marry)
- years into the marriage, frequency decreases, he is not satisfied
So the drive isn't changed, but the frequency has. You propose he adjust his expectations downward. Why is that? The couple has a successful history of satisfying sex, the more obvious solution seems to return to the frequency that was more satisfying.

[quote=Anonymous]Successful marriages are adaptable, unsuccessful marriages try to swim upstream and wonder why the stream won't change directions[/quote]
Agree 100%. But you insist that HE adapt. And why is THAT the answer? I can think of many ways SHE could adapt, or the marriage itself could adapt, that would be more satisfying to his unchanged sex drive.[/quote]

No we don't [b]all [/b]expect what we ask for... entitled people expect everything they ask for ... humble people expect very little.

Sex drive and amount of sex that men ask for is not correlated. Plain and simple. You ask for sex because of your expectation not because of your drive.

Consistent over time is an unrealistic expectation... just like expecting that life will never change. That is why couples that adapt well to change are the most successful. Rigid people are not successful in many facets of life, but mostly relationships.

You believe there is a definition of "reasonable"... many men would think 1 time a week with toddlers is reasonable, some men don't think it is reasonable. Sex drive does not determine what a man (or woman) thinks is reasonable. You think X is reasonable.. it is your expectation that is making you unhappy.

You keep going back to sex drive. It has nothing to do with drive, it has to do with expectation. your expectation is that nothing will change after marriage/kids/age/weight gain/stress.... you want nothing to change, yet everything is changing. You can't adapt, your set expectation that are not flexible... you create your own unhappiness.

You are saying your wife has not adapted... she still sleeps in on Saturday and Sundays, naps in the afternoon, stays out late partying with friends, shops the same amount, goes to happy hour the same amount and works out the same amount and sees her friends the same amount and her expectation before marriage are the same...you do the same amount of planing of dates, gifts, etc.

She has adapted, she just has not adapted in the way you want her to change.

Of course not, only an insane person would expect everything after marriage to be exactly the same as before marriage.

Men are not the only ones that are rigid... women get pissy when they realize they might have to work (if they thought they wouldn't) or have less children or any other "expectation" they had before marriage that is unmet.... like men continuing to court them the way they did before marriage.... or put their clothes in the hamper and not next to it or not watch football all day Saturday and Sunday. Expectation.... [/quote]

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