Reply to Ideas how to make amends

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Ideas how to make amends"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote]OP here. Reading all the responses is strangely therapeutic and it is interesting to see everyones interpretations along the way. PP, you nailed alot of her thought process about the whole situation except for the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. You are right, I am not an equal partner. I felt in put in WAY more work which included finger feeding when DD was an infant, staying up ALL nights so that DW could rest, took the morning shift, took turns bathing, took the baby when either DW or DD was sick, coordinated pickup for donated breastmilk, and at least 50/50 for the other baby caring duties while working full time. This doesn't mean I am justified for what I did, but just wanted to clarify the level of effort I was putting in. I can handle all aspects of the baby care and DW even notices that DD favors me way more because of the work I had put in from the beginning.

With that being said, I am putting energy into making amends. It's just not what she is looking for which is why I was seeking some potential ideas. I am currently interviewing for some baby sitters so that it can free up some plans for week day date nights. I'm not looking for cheap forgiveness, but I am on the clock because each day that I don't have any action, she is looking to leave. So I am on her time table, not mine. Of course I know this takes time and I told her I am dedicated to doing that to repair my wrongs, but not if I am gone before my time is up.
[/quote]

Been following this thread and I think with the additional info there are sort of three issues going on

1) The long-term division of labor issue isn't resolved.  I don't know if this is a communication thing or if you have to either accept it or throw money at it to relieve the resentment.  If this is a matter of communication, you can't bring this up now as it being her part of why you reached out to your ex.  But if you don't figure this out there will still be resentment on your part even if DW agrees to stay

2) Attending therapy and DW feeling like she didn't do anything.  I think marriage counseling in this case shouldn't be an admission she did anything wrong nor should it be a sign she will forgive you and stay.  It should be to help support you in the journey to being a better person/spouse/father and if it comes to it to help you guys to co-parent amicably.

3) Making amends, I agree with pp that if she tells you it may be inauthentic and trying to take a shortcut.  Consistency, time, and patience, and doing the work in individual therapy are what will make the difference.  I'm not sure what state you live in but most places require a 1 year separation.  Between the separation requirement and the logistics of divorcing with a young child (especially if you have been doing as much as you say), I think you have some time.  I'm not saying she for sure will stay, but I think she needs to be able to make the choice that knowing what she knows now, and seeing the growth you are experiencing, she would still choose to stay married to you.  I agree with the other PP that mentioned the sense of control.  You made a decision to bring an outside person into your relationship. You got to experience some escapism and whatever you got by flirting with an ex. You made the decision, nope, still want to stay married.  DW should also get to make decisions about the relationship that you don't get to control and make her choice.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics