Reply to DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time.  I would talk about THAT.  Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize.  What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run?  It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can[b] find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events[/b].  He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things.  Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.[/quote]
+1
This is great advice [/quote]

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.
[/quote]

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry.  I don't deny it's his choice.  But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night?  Automatic no.  Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family?  Nope.  Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac?  Yup, done it.  It's not fun, I promise.[/quote]

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors?  Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ?  You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband.  This is really unhealthy.  I think you are the one with signs of mental illness.  You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better?  That is creepy.  Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early.  You can always go without him.  You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner.  Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ?  Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early?  What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image? [/quote]

Uh, you're nuts.  Yes, I'm mentally ill because I like hanging out with my husband.

Sorry if I didn't address the 'go separately' thing.  I do - a lot.  But I also like being with my husband, and I wish it didn't have to be either/or.  Sometimes I want to be out and he wants to be in?  Ok, we alternate.  But that doesn't work - EVERY time it's a social thing it's an issue for him.  Whereas I feel I do my part in rejecting invites more than I'd like.[/quote]

Your mental issues involve worrying so much about what your neighbors and friends think you feel you need to send fake texts to them rather than 'disappoint' them with the perfectly acceptable truth.  You care more about what these people think than your own husband.  This all indicates you need to feel you and dh maintain a certain social status in order to feel good about yourself, and, frankly, your husband is obviously less insecure in this way.  I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but you are claiming you really love him and he's so great, but this obession with status will drive him away.  Who knows, maybe you will be happier.  You won't have to be 'ashamed' of him anymore.  In my view it's your loss.

Your husband works in an open office, interacts w/ you and the kids well- he is very far from 'anti-social' as any therapist would tell you. Instead you are the one lacking self-awareness.  You say you miss him when he won't come out for group events, but I don't believe that.  Why would you want him out with you while knowing he's miserable?  I suspect what you want is his appearance, not him, to put on a show for the others.  I recommend therapy to figure out why you are so dependent on peer opinions.  And as many pp have suggested, they care much less than you think they do about his down time.[/quote]

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