Anonymous
Post 06/02/2016 08:43     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:I am in introvert like your DH though I might have more severe issues. If you gave me a number and lectured me to have a good attitude I would divorce you. I would ask you to have some effing understanding that if people are being overbearing I can't have "a good attitude" I have deep anxieties and I am fundamentally, to the core, scared and uncomfortable. Your fun hanging out with friends in a driveway takes me days to build up courage to confront.

I do socialize for my DH's sake but it is very hard and I go to events I think I can handle. If I had a quota the stress of that would be too much.


So how does your DH get his socialization in? Mostly without you? I hope you are getting therapy so you are no longer scared and uncomfortable "to the core."
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2016 08:25     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
You know, honestly, I kind of lose patience with the "He's an introvert! It's so hard for him! He needs his space!"

He's an adult. Part of being a married adult with children living in a community is participating in that community. Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do in order to participate in that community and with your family.

I am married to an introvert too, and there are times when I find his attitude toward social interaction to be very condescending. Sometimes it seems like he prefers to hang out alone because nobody could possibly be as interesting as he is and the social interaction is so very pedestrian and he just has better, more lofty things he'd like to be doing. Like DD and I are shallow for wanting him to come to dinner with us and our family friends - people who he professes to like!

It's not trying to remake him in my image. It's participating in family life, where that family life includes spending time together with other families. So yes, OP's husband needs to suck it up a bit. So do some of the other PPs for whom it's sooooo difficult to spend 3 hours at a BBQ or whatever. These are the things that we do for the people that we love, and part of being an adult is recognizing that and not being a jerk about it.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2016 08:11     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.


I am this PP. Since a lot of people jumped on this, I thought I'd clarify. Yes, obviously, opening a conversation by saying, "Your attitude is a problem" is not going to be successful. But it sounds like OP has tried to talk to her DH about socializing, expectations, frequency, etc. Those aren't the real problem. The real problem is that he's making her so miserable about every invitation that she can't wnjoy the times he DOES join, and it's causing a lot of tension.

If she can explain that her goal isn't to have him socialize more, or to have him do things on her terms, but that her main goal is to stop fighting about invitations, then they can hopefully engage in some positive problem-solving. My solution was an example. If he mainly wants time alone, then being assured that he will only have to sacrifice 9 hours a month of alone time might be great for him. If he wants her to stop going out and stay in together, then they can include that. That's how a solution-oriented conversation works, kids.


But her goals are to have him socialize more and on her terms.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2016 00:02     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:If she can explain that her goal isn't to have him socialize more, or to have him do things on her terms, but that her main goal is to stop fighting about invitations, then they can hopefully engage in some positive problem-solving. My solution was an example. If he mainly wants time alone, then being assured that he will only have to sacrifice 9 hours a month of alone time might be great for him. If he wants her to stop going out and stay in together, then they can include that. That's how a solution-oriented conversation works, kids.


PP here, I agree they need to stop fighting about invitations but maybe her husband's goal is for OP to feel comfortable going on her own and not ask beyond a courtesy invite. As far as we know the OP's husband doesn't resent her going to social events he just has an issue with her pressuring him to go and making it seem like there is something wrong with him that needs to be fixed/he is falling down on the job proving he loves her enough to go. Seriously, if he isn't excited to talk to neighbors he likes in the driveway, why would you think he would be all a flutter about game night? It's fine for you to think its cool and him to think its not something he wants do as long as you aren't making him go and he isn't making you stay home.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:48     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.


I am this PP. Since a lot of people jumped on this, I thought I'd clarify. Yes, obviously, opening a conversation by saying, "Your attitude is a problem" is not going to be successful. But it sounds like OP has tried to talk to her DH about socializing, expectations, frequency, etc. Those aren't the real problem. The real problem is that he's making her so miserable about every invitation that she can't wnjoy the times he DOES join, and it's causing a lot of tension.

If she can explain that her goal isn't to have him socialize more, or to have him do things on her terms, but that her main goal is to stop fighting about invitations, then they can hopefully engage in some positive problem-solving. My solution was an example. If he mainly wants time alone, then being assured that he will only have to sacrifice 9 hours a month of alone time might be great for him. If he wants her to stop going out and stay in together, then they can include that. That's how a solution-oriented conversation works, kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:30     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:OP again - one more thing to add. I think what spurred this was a recent invite - for a Friday night casual game night - and instead of thinking "cool, this should be fun!" I instead thought "great, here comes another dramatic sigh from him and me feeling like I'm asking the world." It's just hard.


I haven't read the rest of the responses but I'm going to give it to you straight. You either have to get comfortable going to couples and family events alone, get new friends that don't always want to do couples things, or get a new spouse. The problem sounds like the bulk of these social events are things where you feel out of place without DH. If your single BFF hosted a game night with just the ladies it would have been 100% fine that your DH enjoys staying home, even better because you don't need to feel guilty about him having all the childcare duties that evening. Suddenly if for the exact same game night your BFF makes it a couples thing you now feel pressure to have DH attend because everyone else's DH will be there. I can get why DH doesn't find it enjoyable. I honestly hated going to most couple with kid events when the kids were young. Usually one of us had to make sure our kids weren't running around crazy, had food to eat, weren't having a meltdown etc, and while you were doing that it was hard to have more than a five minute conversation and actually enjoy yourself. It was not relaxing to me at all. I can understand why you don't want to have both kids on your own but at the same time it can't be enjoyable for DH to have his options be to run around after the children the whole time (probably easier to do that on your home turf), make small talk when he would rather poke his eye out, or try to talk to you which again he could do at home.

I think about those social communities where people drop by and have happy hours at a home etc. While my DH is friendly and we like our neighbor's and talk to them, he has no interest in being social like that. I think if I wanted to socialize like that I would need to be comfortable going to mostly ladies only events like book club and bunko and saying my husband couldn't make it to the couples events.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:26     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice



An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.


This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.


Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?


Uh, you're nuts. Yes, I'm mentally ill because I like hanging out with my husband.

Sorry if I didn't address the 'go separately' thing. I do - a lot. But I also like being with my husband, and I wish it didn't have to be either/or. Sometimes I want to be out and he wants to be in? Ok, we alternate. But that doesn't work - EVERY time it's a social thing it's an issue for him. Whereas I feel I do my part in rejecting invites more than I'd like.


Your mental issues involve worrying so much about what your neighbors and friends think you feel you need to send fake texts to them rather than 'disappoint' them with the perfectly acceptable truth. You care more about what these people think than your own husband. This all indicates you need to feel you and dh maintain a certain social status in order to feel good about yourself, and, frankly, your husband is obviously less insecure in this way. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but you are claiming you really love him and he's so great, but this obession with status will drive him away. Who knows, maybe you will be happier. You won't have to be 'ashamed' of him anymore. In my view it's your loss.

Your husband works in an open office, interacts w/ you and the kids well- he is very far from 'anti-social' as any therapist would tell you. Instead you are the one lacking self-awareness. You say you miss him when he won't come out for group events, but I don't believe that. Why would you want him out with you while knowing he's miserable? I suspect what you want is his appearance, not him, to put on a show for the others. I recommend therapy to figure out why you are so dependent on peer opinions. And as many pp have suggested, they care much less than you think they do about his down time.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:19     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:I'm hoping to get some kindhearted advice as I am really struggling with this.

DH and I are in early 30s. Together 13 years, married for eight. Two children, five and two. We have a good life. Healthy kids, jobs with reasonable hours, no financial concerns, beautiful house etc.

I am the definition of an extroverted introvert. Very friendly and social, but relish my alone time. DH is a loner and has gotten MUCH more introverted over time. When we first started dating, he had a close group of friends he regularly saw etc. Now he focuses on work, his running, and our family. He's a good husband and a great and involved father. When we're together or in a small group, he's funny, chill and relaxed.

Fast forward to now and getting him to go to any social event is like pulling teeth. We have a number of close groups of friends – from the kids' school, in our neighborhood – and are invited to stuff with them pretty regularly. BBQs, dinners out, stuff with the kids etc. Pretty much every time we get an invitation, he huffs and rolls his eyes. He makes excuses to leave early, or complains that he doesn't want to go. And these are people that he actually likes!

It's becoming so frustrating to me. I've tried to be understanding - limiting times that people come to our house (though I don't want to be seen as a mooch), giving him lots of notice, turning down various invitations - but I find myself becoming resentful. Rather than looking forward to invitations, I know dread how he's going to react and how we will bicker about it. Friday nights are automatically out because he does a long run on Saturdays. A once weekly hangout after work – a glass of wine in the driveway while the kids play, for example - is an issue because it interferes with his alone time with the kids (so he says).

Over the past months he's left every night out early (730 vs 9 - no ones staying out til midnight here), gone home from a guys' weekend in the evening vs staying overnight, and tried to leave a family wedding (HIS family) a few hours away and drive home that evening (vs staying in hotel, seeing everyone at the brunch etc).

I realize there are worse things - as I said he's a kind and loyal person and a great partner. But I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the situation - I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.


You don't seem to have much empathy for your husband's position. He is an introvert. Socializing is tiring. He went to the guys' event and the wedding, he just got his fill of socializing earlier than most. He probably wanted his weekends to have some unscheduled down time, which is in short supply when young kids are in the picture. He also might be feeling pressured by you to go to things, and that might be why you are getting a negative reaction any time you bring something up. Have you tried saying, "The kids and I are going to X event this weekend; we would love it if you joined us!" Leave it at that. It's a no-pressure invitation. As an introvert myself, I found myself dodging the people who always wanted to badger me into socializing with them. But you also have to accept that he may not ever want to attend as many events as you'd like, because what truly recharges him on the weekend is low-key time at home. Let him know how happy it makes you when he accompanies you, rather than criticizing him for being different.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:15     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Extrovert married to an introvert (with an extroverted child). Just go yourself! My husband gets alone time and I go out! Win-win
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:11     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
^here. There are also a couple people in my circle whose spouses have never gone to a social event. One goes to bed at 8 pm. I only met her because we overlapped at the office for a week. No one takes it personally.

I do think my husband has social anxiety, and maybe yours does, too. But you need to stop pressuring him and wishing he was different as you will only make yourself miserable.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 22:04     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Anonymous wrote:I'm hoping to get some kindhearted advice as I am really struggling with this.

DH and I are in early 30s. Together 13 years, married for eight. Two children, five and two. We have a good life. Healthy kids, jobs with reasonable hours, no financial concerns, beautiful house etc.

I am the definition of an extroverted introvert. Very friendly and social, but relish my alone time. DH is a loner and has gotten MUCH more introverted over time. When we first started dating, he had a close group of friends he regularly saw etc. Now he focuses on work, his running, and our family. He's a good husband and a great and involved father. When we're together or in a small group, he's funny, chill and relaxed.

Fast forward to now and getting him to go to any social event is like pulling teeth. We have a number of close groups of friends – from the kids' school, in our neighborhood – and are invited to stuff with them pretty regularly. BBQs, dinners out, stuff with the kids etc. Pretty much every time we get an invitation, he huffs and rolls his eyes. He makes excuses to leave early, or complains that he doesn't want to go. And these are people that he actually likes!

It's becoming so frustrating to me. I've tried to be understanding - limiting times that people come to our house (though I don't want to be seen as a mooch), giving him lots of notice, turning down various invitations - but I find myself becoming resentful. Rather than looking forward to invitations, I know dread how he's going to react and how we will bicker about it. Friday nights are automatically out because he does a long run on Saturdays. A once weekly hangout after work – a glass of wine in the driveway while the kids play, for example - is an issue because it interferes with his alone time with the kids (so he says).

Over the past months he's left every night out early (730 vs 9 - no ones staying out til midnight here), gone home from a guys' weekend in the evening vs staying overnight, and tried to leave a family wedding (HIS family) a few hours away and drive home that evening (vs staying in hotel, seeing everyone at the brunch etc).

I realize there are worse things - as I said he's a kind and loyal person and a great partner. But I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the situation - I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.


My husband is similar. If he doesn't want to go to parties I go by myself.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 21:54     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
I just tell my friends how my DH is. He is the same as you - work wears him out, etc. We probably miss out out social stuff with couples sometimes because of him, but it is what it is. I go alone and tell people/joke that I am the social one. It works fine.

You really can't change someone - and the trade-offs of switching for another partner would never be worth it. Seriously. Enjoy what you have and accept the loss of a couple social life. No big deal.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 21:41     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
OP does he act grumpy if you do stuff by yourself, or just if you ask him to go? I think that's the key. If you can go by yourself, or take 1 or both kids, while he stays home and he is fine with that, then you should just do that and get over your vision of doing these things together as a family all the time. You can even tell close friends that he is just more Iran introvert so he stays in more (unless that soils make him mad).

But, if he acts grumpy when you go out too, then I don't even know what to tell you, I would not be able to handle that.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 20:55     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Don't give him a number, OP. That is like waving a red cape in front of a bull when it comes to someone like your DH.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2016 18:15     Subject: DH's anti-social nature causing resentment
Also, events "off the cuff" are hard because I have not had time to mentally prepare for them. Maybe the driveway event was too spur of the moment for him.