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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, [b]and does have an equal status or footing as a parent[/b]. That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for. I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes. After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic..[b].I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me[/b]. [/quote] PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage. [/quote] I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote. Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary. [/quote] Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother. [quote]the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.[/quote] [b]Yes, it does, that was my entire point: the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do. And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into. As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong[/b]. [/quote] I agree with all of this. Thanks pp.[/quote]
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