Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:21
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.
Oh please. There are plenty of books (e.g. Stepmonster), blogs, and articles explicating this exact issue. And there are plenty of people struggling through step-parenting who would be happy to explain it if you were thoughtful enough to ask. If you failed to do any research, that's on you.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:20
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
My first husband went on to marry a solid woman who was an excellent, loving, generous stepmother to our child. I know she struggled with sorting out how to deal with me, even though things were amicable and I didn't ask for anything other than child support and splitting medical and orthodontia bills. Everything else he did for and with the child and gave the child was on his own. I always assumed he was consulting with his wife.
Ultimately it's not really a "fair" situation when you marry someone who already has kids, and you shouldn't do so if you can't handle this. You're not going to get all your spouse's money, time, attention, or love. You will have to share. You can either embrace that and embrace the kids involved, or you work to cut those kids out so that you can put yourself and your potential hatchlings first in the nest. Or maybe you fall somewhere in between, and you technically do right by his kids, but you make sure you let them feel like second-class creatures that you resent. I've seen each of the three scenarios a million times.
That's always a factor to keep in mind when you have kids and you contemplate divorce. What kind of new partner is your future ex likely to bring into the picture? I know that if I split with my current spouse, because of the nature of his issues, he will be highly likely to bring in someone who will mistreat our kids. So I stay put. My mistakes are mine to pay for.
Ultimately it's not really a "fair" situation when you marry someone who already has kids, and you shouldn't do so if you can't handle this. You're not going to get all your spouse's money, time, attention, or love. You will have to share. You can either embrace that and embrace the kids involved, or you work to cut those kids out so that you can put yourself and your potential hatchlings first in the nest. Or maybe you fall somewhere in between, and you technically do right by his kids, but you make sure you let them feel like second-class creatures that you resent. I've seen each of the three scenarios a million times.
That's always a factor to keep in mind when you have kids and you contemplate divorce. What kind of new partner is your future ex likely to bring into the picture? I know that if I split with my current spouse, because of the nature of his issues, he will be highly likely to bring in someone who will mistreat our kids. So I stay put. My mistakes are mine to pay for.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:19
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.
That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.
I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.
After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.
PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.
I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.
Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.
Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.
the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.
Yes, it does, that was my entire point: the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.
And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.
As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong.
I agree with all of this. Thanks pp.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:18
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:In order for my DH to be viewed by his ex and children as putting his "first children first" he would have to:
Give them every dollar they ask for, no matter how much, how frequently, or how ridiculous the request.
Drop everything in his life, his other children's lives, his job, family,etc for every whim they asked for of his time.
Never remarry or have additional children.
Have a job that he can leave anytime to meet their demands while still being paid enough to afford all of their request on top of legal obligations.
You people don't get it. There's no winning in these situations.
Exaggerate much?
Divorce does indeed create many problems. Which I'm sure you thought about when you married a divorced guy with kids, right?
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:18
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.
That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.
I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.
After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.
PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.
I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.
Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.
Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.
the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.
Yes, it does, that was my entire point: the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.
And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.
As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong.
I'm the poster you're responding to. I think it's important also to consider that someone with young children may not have a good understanding of what's developmentally or socially appropriate for older children.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:15
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
What I would like to know from that other thread is what the structure of that family actually looks like. Did she ever say?
Do those teenage girls live with the OP and her husband at all? How long has the OP been married? How long has her husband been divorced?
All of these things are relevant. A new stepparent coming in, making a lot of demands and changes to the status quo, and demanding to be included as an equal parenting partner is out of line. You don't know those kids. Their other parent has no reason to trust that you're acting in the best interests of the child, and that trust has to be built by listening and contributing.
The OP found out about an expense that she personally thought was unreasonable, and her belief was that her opinion was the most important. Her husband should not have paid, because the OP thought the expense was unreasonable. It wasn't a question of "Is $150/kid a typical amount to spend on Homecoming gear?" but of "Is my husband out of line for making a financial decision I disagree with?"
The casualty in all of this is her relationship with the kids in question. Yes, $300 is a lot of money for a lot of people, but the cost of thwarting the special event of a teenage girl, if you're a new stepmom, is a lot higher. Since clearly that family could afford it, it would be better to just make an occasion out of it, participate, take pictures, maybe get your nails done together, and use it as a bonding experience. That OP didn't do that. She made it about an extortionist ex-wife spending money on frivolous things for her daughters.
Do those teenage girls live with the OP and her husband at all? How long has the OP been married? How long has her husband been divorced?
All of these things are relevant. A new stepparent coming in, making a lot of demands and changes to the status quo, and demanding to be included as an equal parenting partner is out of line. You don't know those kids. Their other parent has no reason to trust that you're acting in the best interests of the child, and that trust has to be built by listening and contributing.
The OP found out about an expense that she personally thought was unreasonable, and her belief was that her opinion was the most important. Her husband should not have paid, because the OP thought the expense was unreasonable. It wasn't a question of "Is $150/kid a typical amount to spend on Homecoming gear?" but of "Is my husband out of line for making a financial decision I disagree with?"
The casualty in all of this is her relationship with the kids in question. Yes, $300 is a lot of money for a lot of people, but the cost of thwarting the special event of a teenage girl, if you're a new stepmom, is a lot higher. Since clearly that family could afford it, it would be better to just make an occasion out of it, participate, take pictures, maybe get your nails done together, and use it as a bonding experience. That OP didn't do that. She made it about an extortionist ex-wife spending money on frivolous things for her daughters.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:15
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
In order for my DH to be viewed by his ex and children as putting his "first children first" he would have to:
Give them every dollar they ask for, no matter how much, how frequently, or how ridiculous the request.
Drop everything in his life, his other children's lives, his job, family,etc for every whim they asked for of his time.
Never remarry or have additional children.
Have a job that he can leave anytime to meet their demands while still being paid enough to afford all of their request on top of legal obligations.
You people don't get it. There's no winning in these situations.
Give them every dollar they ask for, no matter how much, how frequently, or how ridiculous the request.
Drop everything in his life, his other children's lives, his job, family,etc for every whim they asked for of his time.
Never remarry or have additional children.
Have a job that he can leave anytime to meet their demands while still being paid enough to afford all of their request on top of legal obligations.
You people don't get it. There's no winning in these situations.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:12
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.
That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.
I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.
After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.
PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.
I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.
Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.
Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.
the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.
Yes, it does, that was my entire point: the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.
And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.
As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:11
Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
If you're a good stepparent (as my husband is) you don't think of it in terms of coming first or second. You understand that you've made a commitment to the children too, and you work very hard to honor that commitment. If you take it seriously, you love your spouse as the parent she is and love those kids as the gift that they are. You don't resent them.
That's who my husband is. It's unfortunately not who my daughter's dad's wife is. Far from it. My husband's commitment also includes parenting around that sad fact.
How does he do it? He's a grown-ass man.
That's who my husband is. It's unfortunately not who my daughter's dad's wife is. Far from it. My husband's commitment also includes parenting around that sad fact.
How does he do it? He's a grown-ass man.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:10
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Putting the kids first does not mean they get everything the kids and ex wife ask for financially, timewise, or otherwise.
Divorce is not some sort of unlimited ATM or guarantee that your precious snowflake will be put on a pedestal the rest of their life.
If the ex says it's in the kids best interest to go on an expensive trip, and that trip is not feasible because DH can barely pay his mortgage, that does not mean he's not putting his kid first.
Of course not. I don't think anyone is suggesting that this scenario would be reasonable. And a court wouldn't think so either.
But an ex who travels with his new family and does not include his own kids? Or ever travel with his own kids? Yeah, that person sucks.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:08
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Putting the kids first does not mean they get everything the kids and ex wife ask for financially, timewise, or otherwise.
Divorce is not some sort of unlimited ATM or guarantee that your precious snowflake will be put on a pedestal the rest of their life.
If the ex says it's in the kids best interest to go on an expensive trip, and that trip is not feasible because DH can barely pay his mortgage, that does not mean he's not putting his kid first.
Divorce is not some sort of unlimited ATM or guarantee that your precious snowflake will be put on a pedestal the rest of their life.
If the ex says it's in the kids best interest to go on an expensive trip, and that trip is not feasible because DH can barely pay his mortgage, that does not mean he's not putting his kid first.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:07
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:To all you "you knew what you were getting into" folks..If you are older and find yourself divorced, good luck finding a partner who doesn't have kids.
I am older and I am divorced. I knew what I was getting into and finding a partner isn't my top priority. My kids are.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:06
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have a story for you OP.
My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.
"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.
Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.
Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.
My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.
GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.
In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.
That situation calls for a good lawyer to clarify child support issues, which are ongoing under the law.
If a child needs more support than is currently given, a court will order an increase in child support.
Not really. A lawyer was not needed because the financial situation of the parents hadn't materially changed. The GF's financial situation is irrelevant. A material change is if either parent's income goes up or down by 25%. Or if the kids start spending much more time at non custodial parent's house.
GF buying a house doesn't cut it. I simply reminded my ex that this was not a basis upon which the court order could be modified, and he caved. He knew he was in the wrong. He just did it to placate his GF.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:06
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
Doesn't matter what the custodial parent "asks" for. It matters what the court order says.
If you don't want your horrible ex wife demanding that you pay your fair share for the kids you made, don't have kids. Don't get divorced.
Sometimes it's the ex wife that wanted the divorce in the first place.
A point irrelevant to the needs of the child under this scenario.
True, but it's entirely relevant to the ignorant statement it was in response to.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:05
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
To all you "you knew what you were getting into" folks..If you are older and find yourself divorced, good luck finding a partner who doesn't have kids.