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[quote=Anonymous]NP here.  Sending you lots of sympathy.  I hope I can offer a perspective from the other side.  When people write things like "once a cheater, always a cheater" or that his behavior indicates a major character flaw, I flinch.  The reason is that I have been guilty of cheating in both of my marriages (first husband never knew; second husband knew my whole past and married me anyhow and then I cheated on him, in two different affairs, and he forgave me both times).  I guess I do have a major character flaw.  And yet I would like to share a few thoughts that might give you some hope that things can be good again... even though of course every relationship has its own reality.

Here are some things that helped my second marriage survive and maybe grow stronger.

* I finally really truly had my wake-up call.  I realized more fully than ever before how much I wanted my marriage to work, even with its flaws.  I was really truly ready to recommit myself, to put my husband and my marriage first instead of putting myself first.

* After the first few horrible days following my divulging my second affair to my husband - days in which he was determined to end the marriage - he began to get a sense that life could go on and we could heal and that he was willing to invest some time and energy to see if we could save it.  He had never thought he could forgive me again.  But he did.  Forgiveness is a huge thing and it is a process.  It didn't erase any pain or anger.  He let me know that anger was going to rear its ugly head and I would need to understand and deal with it.

* My husband also let me know that he understood that some people are just not built for monogamy and he was not judging me, but he needed monogamy, and if I needed variety in my life, fine, but I just could not be married to him any longer.

* My husband made the choice to tell no one in his family and none of his friends about my infidelity.  Mostly he felt ashamed/humiliated for having been cuckolded, for having taken me back after the first cheating and then I cheated again and he took me back again.  He thought it made him look weak.  (From my perspective I totally respected his strength and capacity for forgive and work on rebuilding, but I can understand his perspective.)  I was infinitely grateful that he did not tell.  I also did not tell my family and friends (except one).  But it is a hard burden to carry alone and I think you are wise in seeking support online right now and through lining up counseling.  (I also got counseling and we did some marriage counseling after the first affair but not the second.)

* In my case, I think I cheated because some needs were not getting fulfilled in my marriage and I did not think they could be solved by discussing them, but that was cowardly and stupid.  My husband and I started talking more openly during our rebuilding.  He was able to step up and start being more available to me emotionally.  (In your case, it seems like the long distance played a big part, though of course that does not excuse any of your husband's poor choices.  But it sounds like your relationship itself was fundamentally very strong.)

* I did realize while cheating that I was getting some sort of weird thrill out of leading a double life.  We get into routines and it was exciting to have an escape to think about and sometimes act on.  And maybe the "getting away with it" was part of the buzz.  It is important to take stock of every aspect of the cheating because otherwise it can seduce you back into it again if you don't really understand it and take steps to avoid a recurrence.  I had to think about either finding other ways to get weird thrills that didn't sabotage the relationship that matters most in life or make my peace with just never having weird thrills again.  I felt like I was still sort of "living with demons" for awhile as we were rebuilding.  (Mostly I turned to mental scenarios for awhile but really lost my interest in those too; I really did get to the point where all that mattered to me was having a healthy and trusting relationship with my husband and nothing else beckoned to me any more.)

* It has been quite a few years since my husband forgave me, and I think he largely trusts me, but every now and then he will wonder.  He knows how remorseful I am, he knows intellectually that I have pledged myself and my faithfulness to him, but it really is true that once trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to completely restore it.  We have had to learn to live with that.

You have said that you feel like the past four years have been a waste and you feel like you are talking to a stranger now.  I can totally understand how you would feel that way.  In some ways he is a stranger.  I know I learned to compartmentalize my life when I was leading a double life.  That was how I managed to live with myself.  You do know part of your husband very well, but now you are meeting another part of him, and not the part you want to meet.  And probably he needs to find a way to better know the part of himself that allowed this mess to start and continue for years.  But that does not invalidate everything you thought you two had going for you.

My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair.  I didn't want there to be any secrets any more.  But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.  My husband says he would much rather know than have our marriage be built on lies.  In your case, the OW thought you would have wanted to know, and you wish you could turn the clock back and not know.  There is no easy answer to that.  It is terrible to be in the position of carrying a lifelong secret, knowing that you can never tell your loved one how you betrayed them.  But he had already moved on from his secret life; it was behind him; now it is your burden too, and your marriage will never be the same.  But at least now your marriage will be REAL.  Now you are in this thing together.  And ultimately I think that is healthier for a marriage than for each partner to have a different inner reality and for one of those realities to be illusory.

But having said all that, I never did tell my husband *everything* because it would just have caused more pain.  And I do think it is possible you will never know everything your husband has done in the past.  But I don't think that matters now.  You know enough.

I do think people can learn and grow from their mistakes.  I have to believe that, even though I kept stumbling so many times myself.

As so many have said on this thread, you don't need to and shouldn't make any hasty decisions.  Your honeymoon period has been ruined - in the way you had imagined it would be.  But now you are entering a new honeymoon period where you have an opportunity to get to know each other and your inner selves more profoundly - muck and all.  Wishing you all the best.
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