Reply to I asked DH for reassuring words and he flipped out

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[quote=Anonymous]Here's what I think OP. I think that you and your husband have completely failed at all communication, and you are not hearing each other at all--instead you are each reacting to perceived intention and aggression on the other person's end--in a passive way.

Furthermore, I think you do sound pretty lonely and needy. Its okay to be lonely, and it is okay to have needs, but it is not okay to expect  your partner to constantly meet your needs in the way that you think is correct and punish them when they do not. It is your job to communicate your needs clearly and if your needs are reasonable and not being met, then you need to have an adult conversation about it, not a series of passive aggressive tit for tats.

In this case, you wanted/expected your partner to say something to make you feel better, but at another level, it appears that you also blame him for your loneliness and neediness, so he is interpreting your desire for him to "Make you feel better" as a veiled attack. I wonder, would you have been satisfied if he had simply said "sorry you had a tough day hon?" or really--be honest with yourself--were you masking criticism and blame in the form of an ask for attention? I ask that not because of what you wrote initially, but because of the way that you describe your relationship suggests that you have difficulty seeing any other point of view than your own.

My guess-- when you ask him to say something loving and to make you feel better, what he is probably hearing by now is some version of what a failure he is as a husband and that is why you are unhappy.  His response about the plumber--what more do you want--suggests that he cannot figure out how to meet your needs. Perhaps he has never tried or perhaps--as your answers to many of the responses here suggests--you are unable to see things from any other point of view than your own and that your need for emotional security is an unrealistic one.

I also think your interpretation of his failure to do so as abuse suggests that you do, in fact, take his failure to meet your needs as a kind of violation that turns you into the victim, which just fuels the cycle of guilt and blame that I think is at the heart of your dynamic with your husband.

Furthermore, your response--to tell him not to come home--only escalates things.  So, you start by saying that you want loving kind words, but you end by shutting him down and out, punishing him.

If you really want to save your marriage, you two need serious counseling so that you can begin to actually 'hear' each other. [/quote]

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