Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you two have different love languages. You want him to show his love by saying something sweet. He shows his love by doing things that need to be done, like going to your second property to deal with the plumber.

You need to acknowledge his love when he shows it to you. And I agree with the others, that you seem very needy.

Yes, this. It's all about you OP, right? Your DH can't possibly have any stress in his life and there is no way he would need to lean on you for any support.

think about it - what are you doing to create an environment so your DH feels loved too? Honey, as much as you may not believe it, it's not just about you.

It was about her in that moment, that moment that she asked for her husband to give her some kind words. Why is that not OK? So if her husband asked to lean on her for support, you'd be on here saying to him it's not all about him, right? That she couldn't possibly have any stress in her life? What the hell???

Because he was traveling for work. The end.

Oh lord, come off it. I travel for work, and if my husband called me saying he had a terrible day, I'm supposed to say, "YOU SELFISH PRICK OF A HUSBAND, I'M TRAVELING FOR WORK, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LISTEN TO YOU." That's incredibly stupid.

from what OP writes, her tone, etc. it's all about her all the time.

so perhaps have another glass of wine and find a way to relax.

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been going through a rough time. He's out of town. I just called him and said I'm feeling sad, would he say something to help me feel cared about? I worked all day at my job, and I was feeling and have been feeling very alone and unsupported. I try to tell him this but he comes back with things like "why are you calling me a piece of crap". I just say what's going on, it's nothing about him. How does it get turned around like that?

Tonight on the phone He said, "what do you want me to say?" He stayed at our second house to wait for the plumber. Then added, "Can't I see that staying for the plumber means he loves me? What more do I want?"

This phone call was not a fight, I didn't have a tone, I didn't nag. I didn't return with angry words, I just listened. I've asked other times but I get the same sort of run around, almost for two years. He's a very smart guy, good with other people, charming to everyone else. I've tried to talk with him. I'm feeling very lonely and very confused.

Tnen I told him to stay out of town then, I needed time alone. He said he can't because he needs to return something.

I can't put my finger on it, but I almost feel abused.

What do i say to him? What does this mean?

This kind of request puts the responsibility for your feelings on someone else's shoulders, which is unfair and a no-win situation. The only person who is responsible for your feelings is you. If you've been telling DH for 2 years that you feel alone and unsupported, or something similar, DH probably feels he's done and said all he can do, he can't fix your problem, which makes him feel insufficient and crappy. He's given up trying to help, which is a good thing, as you should be trying to help yourself.

I think you need therapy, and to realize no one wants to hear this kind of pity-party stuff on a regular basis.

OP can't control her husband. She can control herself. It would benefit her to see clearly how she's contributing to the poor communication dynamic they've got.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. This does sound neglectful and if you feel that it's borderline abusive, based on his past history, I would listen to that instinct.

If he cannot provide you with the emotional love and support that is so fundamental to a marriage then I would seriously consider seeing a therapist on your own and also divorce. I am guessing he will not change and you need to find someone who doesnt make you feel this way.

And here, my friends, we have a peek into the mind of a serial divorcee/spinster. Bad phone conversation = divorce.

The OP didn't win her husband in a raffle, did she? Supposedly they fell in love and actually liked each other at one point. So take a deep breath and give him the benefit of the doubt. I was beginning to think the OP was a troll until I read how many other posters, like PP, agreed with her and I realized how kooky some women (people?) really are.

OP, your responses are knee-jerk defensive and irrational. Do some yoga, take a hot bath, relax. Then take a hard look at yourself.

I would rather be a serial divorcee than be stuck in a marriage with someone who is emotionally stunted and unable to have a supportive phone call when I am in pain. But that's just me.

Or an abusive relationship, verbal or otherwise. And since you dont know the OP's history, you cannot say she is not being abused.

Than again, you sound like the emotionally stunted type, so I can understand why it's in your interest that either people accept an emotionally crippled person as their spouse or else end up totally alone. What a great little scare tactic.

She said they've had this pattern for two years. He's probably just given up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women on this board are fucking insane. Now you are ripping across OP because she is really disappointed in her OP for not supporting her, and quite frankly sounds fairly emotionally fragile at this point? What in the ever living fuck is wrong with you people?!

You sound unhinged. Step away from the Interwebs.

Thanks for the tip. Coming from someone who is probably piling on OP and attacking her for being disappointed in her DH, excuse me if I ignore it.

Are you the OP? You two have very similar writing styles.

LOL. No I am not the OP. Ask Jeff if you dont believe me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women on this board are fucking insane. Now you are ripping across OP because she is really disappointed in her OP for not supporting her, and quite frankly sounds fairly emotionally fragile at this point? What in the ever living fuck is wrong with you people?!

You sound unhinged. Step away from the Interwebs.

Thanks for the tip. Coming from someone who is probably piling on OP and attacking her for being disappointed in her DH, excuse me if I ignore it.

Are you the OP? You two have very similar writing styles.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. This does sound neglectful and if you feel that it's borderline abusive, based on his past history, I would listen to that instinct.

If he cannot provide you with the emotional love and support that is so fundamental to a marriage then I would seriously consider seeing a therapist on your own and also divorce. I am guessing he will not change and you need to find someone who doesnt make you feel this way.

And here, my friends, we have a peek into the mind of a serial divorcee/spinster. Bad phone conversation = divorce.

The OP didn't win her husband in a raffle, did she? Supposedly they fell in love and actually liked each other at one point. So take a deep breath and give him the benefit of the doubt. I was beginning to think the OP was a troll until I read how many other posters, like PP, agreed with her and I realized how kooky some women (people?) really are.

OP, your responses are knee-jerk defensive and irrational. Do some yoga, take a hot bath, relax. Then take a hard look at yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women on this board are fucking insane. Now you are ripping across OP because she is really disappointed in her OP for not supporting her, and quite frankly sounds fairly emotionally fragile at this point? What in the ever living fuck is wrong with you people?!

You sound unhinged. Step away from the Interwebs.

Thanks for the tip. Coming from someone who is probably piling on OP and attacking her for being disappointed in her DH, excuse me if I ignore it.

Anonymous wrote:The women on this board are fucking insane. Now you are ripping across OP because she is really disappointed in her OP for not supporting her, and quite frankly sounds fairly emotionally fragile at this point? What in the ever living fuck is wrong with you people?!

You sound unhinged. Step away from the Interwebs.

^*ripping apart

The women on this board are fucking insane. Now you are ripping across OP because she is really disappointed in her OP for not supporting her, and quite frankly sounds fairly emotionally fragile at this point? What in the ever living fuck is wrong with you people?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you two have different love languages. You want him to show his love by saying something sweet. He shows his love by doing things that need to be done, like going to your second property to deal with the plumber.

You need to acknowledge his love when he shows it to you. And I agree with the others, that you seem very needy.

Yes, this. It's all about you OP, right? Your DH can't possibly have any stress in his life and there is no way he would need to lean on you for any support.

think about it - what are you doing to create an environment so your DH feels loved too? Honey, as much as you may not believe it, it's not just about you.

It was about her in that moment, that moment that she asked for her husband to give her some kind words. Why is that not OK? So if her husband asked to lean on her for support, you'd be on here saying to him it's not all about him, right? That she couldn't possibly have any stress in her life? What the hell???

Because he was traveling for work. The end.

Oh lord, come off it. I travel for work, and if my husband called me saying he had a terrible day, I'm supposed to say, "YOU SELFISH PRICK OF A HUSBAND, I'M TRAVELING FOR WORK, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LISTEN TO YOU." That's incredibly stupid.

That's not what he said. Not even in the same vein. She said she was and has been feeling alone and unsupported and he said why is she calling him a piece of crap? Likely he took her comment about being unsupported personally. Like "he" was the reason she felt alone and unsupported. If that is the case, it would be extremely difficult for him to comfort her when he felt he was the problem.

Here's what I think OP. I think that you and your husband have completely failed at all communication, and you are not hearing each other at all--instead you are each reacting to perceived intention and aggression on the other person's end--in a passive way.


Furthermore, I think you do sound pretty lonely and needy. Its okay to be lonely, and it is okay to have needs, but it is not okay to expect your partner to constantly meet your needs in the way that you think is correct and punish them when they do not. It is your job to communicate your needs clearly and if your needs are reasonable and not being met, then you need to have an adult conversation about it, not a series of passive aggressive tit for tats.

In this case, you wanted/expected your partner to say something to make you feel better, but at another level, it appears that you also blame him for your loneliness and neediness, so he is interpreting your desire for him to "Make you feel better" as a veiled attack. I wonder, would you have been satisfied if he had simply said "sorry you had a tough day hon?" or really--be honest with yourself--were you masking criticism and blame in the form of an ask for attention? I ask that not because of what you wrote initially, but because of the way that you describe your relationship suggests that you have difficulty seeing any other point of view than your own.

My guess-- when you ask him to say something loving and to make you feel better, what he is probably hearing by now is some version of what a failure he is as a husband and that is why you are unhappy. His response about the plumber--what more do you want--suggests that he cannot figure out how to meet your needs. Perhaps he has never tried or perhaps--as your answers to many of the responses here suggests--you are unable to see things from any other point of view than your own and that your need for emotional security is an unrealistic one.


I also think your interpretation of his failure to do so as abuse suggests that you do, in fact, take his failure to meet your needs as a kind of violation that turns you into the victim, which just fuels the cycle of guilt and blame that I think is at the heart of your dynamic with your husband.

Furthermore, your response--to tell him not to come home--only escalates things. So, you start by saying that you want loving kind words, but you end by shutting him down and out, punishing him.

If you really want to save your marriage, you two need serious counseling so that you can begin to actually 'hear' each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you two have different love languages. You want him to show his love by saying something sweet. He shows his love by doing things that need to be done, like going to your second property to deal with the plumber.

You need to acknowledge his love when he shows it to you. And I agree with the others, that you seem very needy.

Yes, this. It's all about you OP, right? Your DH can't possibly have any stress in his life and there is no way he would need to lean on you for any support.

think about it - what are you doing to create an environment so your DH feels loved too? Honey, as much as you may not believe it, it's not just about you.

It was about her in that moment, that moment that she asked for her husband to give her some kind words. Why is that not OK? So if her husband asked to lean on her for support, you'd be on here saying to him it's not all about him, right? That she couldn't possibly have any stress in her life? What the hell???

Because he was traveling for work. The end.

Oh lord, come off it. I travel for work, and if my husband called me saying he had a terrible day, I'm supposed to say, "YOU SELFISH PRICK OF A HUSBAND, I'M TRAVELING FOR WORK, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LISTEN TO YOU." That's incredibly stupid.

x2. Traveling for work does not automatically turn someone into an asshole. It's actually a really bad excuse, as far as excuses go.