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Reply to "feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior"
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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. My DH is the child of two alcoholics, and MIL has the added bonus of being a major narcissist. FIL drank himself to death shortly before our wedding, and MIL is well on her way. It has been really rough on our relationship, because the dynamics of an alcoholic family are deeply ingrained, highly dysfunctional, and hard to break. DH is a great guy, but it just seemed normal to him that I should put up with horrible treatment from MIL and roll with it while he hid problems and tried to make her happy -- just as it seems normal to me to have a loving and supportive family. It's all he knows. It came to a head after DD was born, when her visit almost broke me (and us). We slowly are getting there, though. The keys are therapy, boundaries, and disengaging -- all easier said than done. Disengaging has been so liberating. I now laugh it off when she sends Christmas checks for DH and DD but not me, makes snide comments at me, refuses to speak to me, leaves the room as soon as I walk in, and rolls her eyes behind my back. I always dreamed of telling MIL about my feelings, but a woman who doesn't care about forgetting her son's 40th birthday (and his 13th) does not care that her snide comments make me sad. You just have to find it in you to stop caring, hard as it may be. DH eventually stopped putting pressure on me to have a relationship with MIL, and that really helped. Therapy for him took awhile to really work, but we're getting there. It's been great to have someone other than me telling him that this situation is not normal, and it's allowed us to set boundaries. Keep in mind that setting boundaries is REALLY hard for children of alcoholics, so they will stumble. I have had to work really hard at not being furious when the boundaries we set are ignored (like having DH hand our three-week-old to drunk MIL when we'd agreed that she couldn't hold DD after drinking), but he's slowly getting to the point where our boundaries are more important than what MIL wants. It is not easy, but it can be done. It is hard for me and even harder for him, but it is worth it for your relationship and family.[/quote]
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