Anonymous
02/10/2015 11:36
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. My DH is the child of two alcoholics, and MIL has the added bonus of being a major narcissist. FIL drank himself to death shortly before our wedding, and MIL is well on her way. It has been really rough on our relationship, because the dynamics of an alcoholic family are deeply ingrained, highly dysfunctional, and hard to break. DH is a great guy, but it just seemed normal to him that I should put up with horrible treatment from MIL and roll with it while he hid problems and tried to make her happy -- just as it seems normal to me to have a loving and supportive family. It's all he knows. It came to a head after DD was born, when her visit almost broke me (and us).
We slowly are getting there, though. The keys are therapy, boundaries, and disengaging -- all easier said than done. Disengaging has been so liberating. I now laugh it off when she sends Christmas checks for DH and DD but not me, makes snide comments at me, refuses to speak to me, leaves the room as soon as I walk in, and rolls her eyes behind my back. I always dreamed of telling MIL about my feelings, but a woman who doesn't care about forgetting her son's 40th birthday (and his 13th) does not care that her snide comments make me sad. You just have to find it in you to stop caring, hard as it may be. DH eventually stopped putting pressure on me to have a relationship with MIL, and that really helped.
Therapy for him took awhile to really work, but we're getting there. It's been great to have someone other than me telling him that this situation is not normal, and it's allowed us to set boundaries.
Keep in mind that setting boundaries is REALLY hard for children of alcoholics, so they will stumble. I have had to work really hard at not being furious when the boundaries we set are ignored (like having DH hand our three-week-old to drunk MIL when we'd agreed that she couldn't hold DD after drinking), but he's slowly getting to the point where our boundaries are more important than what MIL wants. It is not easy, but it can be done. It is hard for me and even harder for him, but it is worth it for your relationship and family.
Great post. And congratulations for all the progress you and your family have made. I posted earlier on this thread, and sadly my ex was never able to examine and get past his upbringing, despite many rounds of therapy. It's terribly sad, and he is a broken man. My MIL treated me just like yours treated you. It was unbelievable. But what was most damaging was my ex's inability to stand up for me and our kids and set firm boundaries with his parents. I attribute the failure of our marriage in part to my MIL - for damaging my ex, and for encouraging him to leave me and our three kids. I think that the dysfunction runs so deep that she knew if he stayed and got help, she would be exposed.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 22:42
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
OP, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. My DH is the child of two alcoholics, and MIL has the added bonus of being a major narcissist. FIL drank himself to death shortly before our wedding, and MIL is well on her way. It has been really rough on our relationship, because the dynamics of an alcoholic family are deeply ingrained, highly dysfunctional, and hard to break. DH is a great guy, but it just seemed normal to him that I should put up with horrible treatment from MIL and roll with it while he hid problems and tried to make her happy -- just as it seems normal to me to have a loving and supportive family. It's all he knows. It came to a head after DD was born, when her visit almost broke me (and us).
We slowly are getting there, though. The keys are therapy, boundaries, and disengaging -- all easier said than done. Disengaging has been so liberating. I now laugh it off when she sends Christmas checks for DH and DD but not me, makes snide comments at me, refuses to speak to me, leaves the room as soon as I walk in, and rolls her eyes behind my back. I always dreamed of telling MIL about my feelings, but a woman who doesn't care about forgetting her son's 40th birthday (and his 13th) does not care that her snide comments make me sad. You just have to find it in you to stop caring, hard as it may be. DH eventually stopped putting pressure on me to have a relationship with MIL, and that really helped.
Therapy for him took awhile to really work, but we're getting there. It's been great to have someone other than me telling him that this situation is not normal, and it's allowed us to set boundaries.
Keep in mind that setting boundaries is REALLY hard for children of alcoholics, so they will stumble. I have had to work really hard at not being furious when the boundaries we set are ignored (like having DH hand our three-week-old to drunk MIL when we'd agreed that she couldn't hold DD after drinking), but he's slowly getting to the point where our boundaries are more important than what MIL wants. It is not easy, but it can be done. It is hard for me and even harder for him, but it is worth it for your relationship and family.
We slowly are getting there, though. The keys are therapy, boundaries, and disengaging -- all easier said than done. Disengaging has been so liberating. I now laugh it off when she sends Christmas checks for DH and DD but not me, makes snide comments at me, refuses to speak to me, leaves the room as soon as I walk in, and rolls her eyes behind my back. I always dreamed of telling MIL about my feelings, but a woman who doesn't care about forgetting her son's 40th birthday (and his 13th) does not care that her snide comments make me sad. You just have to find it in you to stop caring, hard as it may be. DH eventually stopped putting pressure on me to have a relationship with MIL, and that really helped.
Therapy for him took awhile to really work, but we're getting there. It's been great to have someone other than me telling him that this situation is not normal, and it's allowed us to set boundaries.
Keep in mind that setting boundaries is REALLY hard for children of alcoholics, so they will stumble. I have had to work really hard at not being furious when the boundaries we set are ignored (like having DH hand our three-week-old to drunk MIL when we'd agreed that she couldn't hold DD after drinking), but he's slowly getting to the point where our boundaries are more important than what MIL wants. It is not easy, but it can be done. It is hard for me and even harder for him, but it is worth it for your relationship and family.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 19:18
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
OK somehow I missed the whole peeing on the floor thing first time around... Someone who gets blind drunk OR pees in front of your kids OR pees on your floor does not get invited back. Never mind someone who did all three.
Absolutely unacceptable, over the line, and if your DH insists on them coming over, take the kids and go away while they are there. And HE can clean the pee off the floor this time.
Absolutely unacceptable, over the line, and if your DH insists on them coming over, take the kids and go away while they are there. And HE can clean the pee off the floor this time.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 17:19
Subject: Re:feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
Your MIL is a bitch. Now you know. Don't do her any favors in the future. I sure as hell would not let her stay in my house.
I don't know how to help your husband grow a spine. Was he a completely useless man when you married him?
I don't know how to help your husband grow a spine. Was he a completely useless man when you married him?
Anonymous
02/09/2015 17:15
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
Anonymous wrote:
I posted before, but forgot one key point.
You HAVE to send her the bill for that $500.
I would do the same! If someone treats me that way, they have to pay a price.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 16:37
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Do not host them, then, OP. Do not. Go home tonight and say, "It will no longer be possible for you to stay with us in our home. I recommend _______ hotel and would be happy to help you make reservations."
She will hate you for it, but she already hates you and she's already a horrible person. You haven't been to enough therapy if you have no idea how to draw boundaries with this person. Stop being so passive. Your DH is not willing to step up and protect your family from his parents' dysfunction. So it's your job. It sucks and you will be the bad guy to them, but you need to step up. Your kids don't deserve this. Stop it now. Get them out of your house. YOU are the mom. It's your home, too.
This is what you do about your son's birthday. Also, this pp had great advice.
Simply ignore the MIL. Seriously. Sounds like she's a miserable person and a pain. Just pretend she doesn't exist and enjoy your life. I wouldn't even mention the party or invitations. The MIL seems to shoot herself in the foot. You should have learned an important lesson, which is you shouldn't do nice things for her or go out of your way. So now you won't going forward.
Seriously. Tell them it is no longer possible for them to stay with you at your home. recommend a hotel and then at the party ignore, ignore, ignore. Pretend they are not there. Don't be mean to them at all. Pretend they are acquaintances and Mingle and HAVE FUN with the other guests. For the sake of your sanity, your marriage, and your child. Please. Set these boundaries.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 16:26
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
OP: Check back over the weekend and let us know how it went.
Anonymous
02/09/2015 16:21
Subject: feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior
"Gee, I'm a little hurt (or say, "surprised") that after a lot of work and spending $500, you choose something else"
You say this.
You should have said this AT THE TIME, and then
You move on.
Because BY NOW you should be over it. And not causing drama.
One sentence to MIL (and then no more)
is better than a whole page typed of bitching here.
You say this.
You should have said this AT THE TIME, and then
You move on.
Because BY NOW you should be over it. And not causing drama.
One sentence to MIL (and then no more)
is better than a whole page typed of bitching here.