Reply to do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I think life changes you and you should try and keep an open mind. My MIL was widowed young and had one daughter, whom I married, and one son. When we were dating, my MIL never really was too involved in our day to day activities. As a young man I did not want to stay in the area I grew up because I wanted to find a place with more opportunity and lower cost of living. I explained to my DW that her MIL was welcome to come with us.

Well, we were young and in hindsight not very mature. Freshly married my wife really did not want to get an apartment far away from her Mom who does not drive. It wasn't the best of neighborhoods and I suggested we find a nice apt in a close in suburb. Well, that didn't work and I found myself living in an apt, dealing with broken in cars, exorbitant cost for gar parking, etc. I wasn't happy. Young and newlyweds and we buy a puppy. My DW gives my MIL a key to our apartment to walk the dog. While I might sound like an ungrateful, she comes over, does the wash, cleans up, makes small home repairs. And unfortunately, I took to it the wrong way. I felt my privacy was being violated. Now my DW obviously felt an obligation and I tried to be mature about it.

Fast forward a year or so and I am contemplating divorce. Push to move to far out suburbs, with the understanding that MIL can come visit and have her own room. I should have been more mature. So, I thought the distance would help but frankly being in my 20's and having my MIL stay with us 2 nights a week was not my idea of marriage. My MIL meant well but she knows no boundaries. Picks up the phone, doesn't give you the message. Checks the mail everyday. Insane.

So, fast forward again, I buy a house with a carriage house figuring she can stay there. She's not interested so design a bedroom in the main house. Offer to buy her a co-op, going half with BIL, and he's not interested in paying half. He was smart - why would he ? He knew I would have to pay the full boat.

Moral, of the story, MIL has kept her apartment in the old neighborhood all these years and stays for extended visits. My DW and I don't get along about it because my wife felt that my not liking my MIL in all our business was selfish.  My DW had me turn down very lucrative work on the West coast because she didn't want to move.

So, if I could do it all over again, frankly I would not marry a DW who is the only daughter. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. MIL is very controlling, and the comments about making it her house are so true. Its gets tiring having her over for every holiday and feeling like a guest in my own house. DW should have set boundaries.

Ironically, how it resolved is that my MIL doesn't want live with me and I am to blame, In hindsight I was too young when I married, and should have grown a pair.

This has been compounded by DW unequal treatment of my mother. I don't want to live with her either. But it is a double standard.  She doesn't really welcome my Mom but I'm supposed to live with hers' ?

The old adage about losing a son as the son goes to the ILs is true.

If medically MIL needs to stay with us then its not a problem. And as I have aged, and live is busy I have grown to appreciate help around the house. She never learned boundaries. If my wife had said please stay out of our bedroom, it worked wonders ? Again, perhaps ungrateful but do really want your MIL washing your soiled sheets and undergarments ?

Long winded but trying to provide my thoughts as a middle aged DH who probably didn't handle this well. I have told my wife our marriage long term would have been much better served had she put it first. And I think that is the key. If you can be polite and very firm while setting boundaries, then it can work and be great for all - especially the grandkids as it is so nice to see them have that relationship. But if you don't set boundaries, or the ILs won't set boundaries then I think you need to keep your eyes open. And it also depends upon the strength of your marriage. When we were young, my DW was low sex drive. When my MIL would stay over every week for a couple-three nights and my DW would tell me we couldn't have sex because she would hear us - it really didn't help their case of having me be endeared with her visits.

We do have an obligation to our families to be supportive to each other so it makes it difficult.

Best of luck.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics