Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same PP here OP - like I told another PP, it's ok to set boundaries. Have DH tell his mom that he doesn't think it would be a good idea for her to stay more than a few weeks at a time because you two like your privacy etc. It's not her etc.

But what if dh thinks it's a great idea!

The day my ILs move in is the day I move out.

I am dead serious.

You all are so sure that you would gladly have an in-law move in when they need care. Do you realize that the in-law will still be the same person, not some sweet invalid grateful for everything you do for them? They'll bring all along the baggage, and worse; when a person is too frail to care for themselves and realizes that they can't control their life anymore, there will be a lot of fear and anger that will spill over on your family.
I don't really have a solution, but when you make long-term plans for your family, you need to take the in-law's personality into account. If they are difficult now, it will only get worse.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sucks to be you. My ILs are deceased, and DH has a good relationship with my mother. He's cool with her living with us when the time comes. I couldn't imagine any other marriage. Reading about the ultimatums you give to your DHs makes me cringe. You sound so bitter. Why did you marry human beings with parents? You should have enjoyed your life without all those terrible complications

you couldnt imagine any other marriage bc dont have in laws and you apparently have an easygoing mother. how can you judge another's situation?

Wow, sucks to be you. My ILs are deceased, and DH has a good relationship with my mother. He's cool with her living with us when the time comes. I couldn't imagine any other marriage. Reading about the ultimatums you give to your DHs makes me cringe. You sound so bitter. Why did you marry human beings with parents? You should have enjoyed your life without all those terrible complications

Anonymous wrote:I will never allow my MIL to live here. Right now she is blocked from DH and my phones for harassing us with nasty psycho text messages and blasting us on her facebook with several posts (then she blocked us from her FB so we returned the favor).

As for DH's father, he can live with us. He's easy to have around in our 800 sq ft place, so I am imagining when we move up it will be even better. He cooks too, he plays with DD, and he is very neat.

this is how I feel too. He can move in tomorrow as long as he leaves her behind

Anonymous wrote:DILs - what would you do if it is your parents that need help?

I feel so sad for the men who are married to such selfish wives.

Wow, PP, please tell us what baggage you carry around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about marrying an orphan with no siblings? That would solve all IL issues.

In m dreams

Be careful what you wish for. I have a DH who has a perfectly pleasant and loving relationship with his mother and sibling (no dad in picture) but was raised seeing extended family and even immediately family as people you see a couple times a year maybe and that you call every blue moon and all the politeness and boundaries you can handle..........as someone with a very close family I thought it was great because there would be less time spent juggling family visits and obligations if DH doesn't really have them. Problems arise when one person values proximity to family and the other looks at families as little floating islands, not very participatory in each other's lives or kids lives'. Its hard when DH wants to move to the West Coast (where we know 2-3 people total) and I want to move to be closer to family so my kids can grow up knowing their cousins and aunts.

But this dilemma happens when there are close relationships on both sides but they are located long distances apart. When you are married to someone with no living parents or siblings, you don't have to split holidays between them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about marrying an orphan with no siblings? That would solve all IL issues.

In m dreams

Be careful what you wish for. I have a DH who has a perfectly pleasant and loving relationship with his mother and sibling (no dad in picture) but was raised seeing extended family and even immediately family as people you see a couple times a year maybe and that you call every blue moon and all the politeness and boundaries you can handle..........as someone with a very close family I thought it was great because there would be less time spent juggling family visits and obligations if DH doesn't really have them. Problems arise when one person values proximity to family and the other looks at families as little floating islands, not very participatory in each other's lives or kids lives'. Its hard when DH wants to move to the West Coast (where we know 2-3 people total) and I want to move to be closer to family so my kids can grow up knowing their cousins and aunts.

Anonymous wrote:I think life changes you and you should try and keep an open mind. My MIL was widowed young and had one daughter, whom I married, and one son. When we were dating, my MIL never really was too involved in our day to day activities. As a young man I did not want to stay in the area I grew up because I wanted to find a place with more opportunity and lower cost of living. I explained to my DW that her MIL was welcome to come with us.

Well, we were young and in hindsight not very mature. Freshly married my wife really did not want to get an apartment far away from her Mom who does not drive. It wasn't the best of neighborhoods and I suggested we find a nice apt in a close in suburb. Well, that didn't work and I found myself living in an apt, dealing with broken in cars, exorbitant cost for gar parking, etc. I wasn't happy. Young and newlyweds and we buy a puppy. My DW gives my MIL a key to our apartment to walk the dog. While I might sound like an ungrateful, she comes over, does the wash, cleans up, makes small home repairs. And unfortunately, I took to it the wrong way. I felt my privacy was being violated. Now my DW obviously felt an obligation and I tried to be mature about it.

Fast forward a year or so and I am contemplating divorce. Push to move to far out suburbs, with the understanding that MIL can come visit and have her own room. I should have been more mature. So, I thought the distance would help but frankly being in my 20's and having my MIL stay with us 2 nights a week was not my idea of marriage. My MIL meant well but she knows no boundaries. Picks up the phone, doesn't give you the message. Checks the mail everyday. Insane.

So, fast forward again, I buy a house with a carriage house figuring she can stay there. She's not interested so design a bedroom in the main house. Offer to buy her a co-op, going half with BIL, and he's not interested in paying half. He was smart - why would he ? He knew I would have to pay the full boat.

Moral, of the story, MIL has kept her apartment in the old neighborhood all these years and stays for extended visits. My DW and I don't get along about it because my wife felt that my not liking my MIL in all our business was selfish. My DW had me turn down very lucrative work on the West coast because she didn't want to move.

So, if I could do it all over again, frankly I would not marry a DW who is the only daughter. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. MIL is very controlling, and the comments about making it her house are so true. Its gets tiring having her over for every holiday and feeling like a guest in my own house. DW should have set boundaries.

Ironically, how it resolved is that my MIL doesn't want live with me and I am to blame, In hindsight I was too young when I married, and should have grown a pair.

This has been compounded by DW unequal treatment of my mother. I don't want to live with her either. But it is a double standard. She doesn't really welcome my Mom but I'm supposed to live with hers' ?

The old adage about losing a son as the son goes to the ILs is true.

If medically MIL needs to stay with us then its not a problem. And as I have aged, and live is busy I have grown to appreciate help around the house. She never learned boundaries. If my wife had said please stay out of our bedroom, it worked wonders ? Again, perhaps ungrateful but do really want your MIL washing your soiled sheets and undergarments ?

Long winded but trying to provide my thoughts as a middle aged DH who probably didn't handle this well. I have told my wife our marriage long term would have been much better served had she put it first. And I think that is the key. If you can be polite and very firm while setting boundaries, then it can work and be great for all - especially the grandkids as it is so nice to see them have that relationship. But if you don't set boundaries, or the ILs won't set boundaries then I think you need to keep your eyes open. And it also depends upon the strength of your marriage. When we were young, my DW was low sex drive. When my MIL would stay over every week for a couple-three nights and my DW would tell me we couldn't have sex because she would hear us - it really didn't help their case of having me be endeared with her visits.

We do have an obligation to our families to be supportive to each other so it makes it difficult.

Best of luck.

Wow. Good luck to you.

The bolded part is key for every marriage everywhere. If the couple makes the union the foundation then everything else will build more naturally on that communal strength. Life comes along and gives us so much to deal with and we cannot always put the marriage first, but we have to keep coming back to it and restoring it or the rest begins to suffer.

I think life changes you and you should try and keep an open mind. My MIL was widowed young and had one daughter, whom I married, and one son. When we were dating, my MIL never really was too involved in our day to day activities. As a young man I did not want to stay in the area I grew up because I wanted to find a place with more opportunity and lower cost of living. I explained to my DW that her MIL was welcome to come with us.

Well, we were young and in hindsight not very mature. Freshly married my wife really did not want to get an apartment far away from her Mom who does not drive. It wasn't the best of neighborhoods and I suggested we find a nice apt in a close in suburb. Well, that didn't work and I found myself living in an apt, dealing with broken in cars, exorbitant cost for gar parking, etc. I wasn't happy. Young and newlyweds and we buy a puppy. My DW gives my MIL a key to our apartment to walk the dog. While I might sound like an ungrateful, she comes over, does the wash, cleans up, makes small home repairs. And unfortunately, I took to it the wrong way. I felt my privacy was being violated. Now my DW obviously felt an obligation and I tried to be mature about it.

Fast forward a year or so and I am contemplating divorce. Push to move to far out suburbs, with the understanding that MIL can come visit and have her own room. I should have been more mature. So, I thought the distance would help but frankly being in my 20's and having my MIL stay with us 2 nights a week was not my idea of marriage. My MIL meant well but she knows no boundaries. Picks up the phone, doesn't give you the message. Checks the mail everyday. Insane.

So, fast forward again, I buy a house with a carriage house figuring she can stay there. She's not interested so design a bedroom in the main house. Offer to buy her a co-op, going half with BIL, and he's not interested in paying half. He was smart - why would he ? He knew I would have to pay the full boat.

Moral, of the story, MIL has kept her apartment in the old neighborhood all these years and stays for extended visits. My DW and I don't get along about it because my wife felt that my not liking my MIL in all our business was selfish. My DW had me turn down very lucrative work on the West coast because she didn't want to move.

So, if I could do it all over again, frankly I would not marry a DW who is the only daughter. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. MIL is very controlling, and the comments about making it her house are so true. Its gets tiring having her over for every holiday and feeling like a guest in my own house. DW should have set boundaries.

Ironically, how it resolved is that my MIL doesn't want live with me and I am to blame, In hindsight I was too young when I married, and should have grown a pair.

This has been compounded by DW unequal treatment of my mother. I don't want to live with her either. But it is a double standard. She doesn't really welcome my Mom but I'm supposed to live with hers' ?

The old adage about losing a son as the son goes to the ILs is true.

If medically MIL needs to stay with us then its not a problem. And as I have aged, and live is busy I have grown to appreciate help around the house. She never learned boundaries. If my wife had said please stay out of our bedroom, it worked wonders ? Again, perhaps ungrateful but do really want your MIL washing your soiled sheets and undergarments ?

Long winded but trying to provide my thoughts as a middle aged DH who probably didn't handle this well. I have told my wife our marriage long term would have been much better served had she put it first. And I think that is the key. If you can be polite and very firm while setting boundaries, then it can work and be great for all - especially the grandkids as it is so nice to see them have that relationship. But if you don't set boundaries, or the ILs won't set boundaries then I think you need to keep your eyes open. And it also depends upon the strength of your marriage. When we were young, my DW was low sex drive. When my MIL would stay over every week for a couple-three nights and my DW would tell me we couldn't have sex because she would hear us - it really didn't help their case of having me be endeared with her visits.

We do have an obligation to our families to be supportive to each other so it makes it difficult.

Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:How about marrying an orphan with no siblings? That would solve all IL issues.

In m dreams

How about marrying an orphan with no siblings? That would solve all IL issues.

My mil lived with us for several months. Before we got married , I knew my DH wanted to take care of his mom. I was fine with it. She helped around the house during the day, helped with the kids, and gave us space for family time. However it was the adult daughters that still relied on mommy that soured the deal. They didn't have jobs and were constantly around or calling. Ended up asking one to leave and mil followed. I now realize how much less stress we have in our house. So, it is good for you to be wary. I tried, and even had to tell my DH to give her a break every now and then, but then it became too much.

Anonymous wrote:Same PP here OP - like I told another PP, it's ok to set boundaries. Have DH tell his mom that he doesn't think it would be a good idea for her to stay more than a few weeks at a time because you two like your privacy etc. It's not her etc.

But what if dh thinks it's a great idea!

Same PP here OP - like I told another PP, it's ok to set boundaries. Have DH tell his mom that he doesn't think it would be a good idea for her to stay more than a few weeks at a time because you two like your privacy etc. It's not her etc.