Reply to Back me up on being the mean, mean mommy

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am 16:44.  Having been like your daughter, going in and throwing all of her stuff out without her like PPs have said I think is a really bad idea.  You need to do it together. [/quote]
Since OP’s DD has already shown that she is overwhelmed by the process of cleaning the room, even with offers of help, I would advise a middle approach. This will take a lot of work on OP’s part but might be worth it in the end.

On her own, OP should clean out, strip, and clean up the entire room. EVERYTHING out of the room except for a freshly made bed with pillows but no stuffed animals (if she still has them) and empty furniture including emptying the closet, dressers, bookshelf, desk, etc. Dust everything, vacuum, do all the deep cleaning while it’s empty.

But wait, you say, ‘where did all the stuff go?’. Well, that’s the fun (sarcasm alert) and time consuming part. Because it is all to be sorted into categories somewhere outside of the room for OP and DD to go through together. Instead of forcing DD to decide what she will get rid of from the room, DD is empowered to decide what can go back in the room to be kept. OP should do the sorting on her own before DD gets home:

1. Food wrappers, used tissues, stained stuff, and gross stuff is trash. Throw it out now never to be seen again.
2. Random “trash-like” stuff that DD will claim is “art supplies” goes in one area, pile, or trash bag (clearly marked to NOT throw out yet). Buy her a bin or two for somewhere in her room. When she gets home, let her know that she may keep X number of bins full of art stuff provided that what is not in use is contained within the securely closed bins, and then let her pick what stays and what goes.
3. School work. She automatically keeps anything from the current school year (help her organize it somehow). Older work – limit to one folder or section of a file box per year; have her pick what is important enough to keep and what can go.
4. Clothing. Figure out what she has room for in her dressers/closet. Let her know she must store or donate anything that doesn't fit and that she may only keep X number of each garment (up to the number you determined can fit in the drawer).
5. Books. Same as clothes, she can keep what she has room for on the bookshelf.
6. Toys/stuffed animals. Same as clothes and books. Whatever she has room to store is the maximum number she can keep. Help her determine this number and then let her decide what stays and what goes.

If DD is paralyzed by indecision OP should help her start the process of deciding keep/donate/toss. Ask her questions like “what is this”, “what do you use it for”, “do you still like/use/wear this?”, “do you like ___ or ____ better?”, “when is the last time you used this?*”, and “how often do you use this?*”.  * Our house guideline is if you haven’t used a non-seasonal item in a year you should most likely toss it.

If DD is stubborn and defiant and refuses to decide on her own or participate in the decision process with mom’s assistance she’s showing that she is not currently ready to take responsibility for her own stuff and you should start making the keep/donate/toss choices. If you have to do this, let her know that you will keep a much smaller amount of stuff than she would because you don’t want all the stuff to be overwhelming to her.

Take all of the stuff that DD or you decided was to be kept and bring it back into the room. Have DD help you put it all away so she can decide where it all goes. If she is again defiant and refuses to participate, that’s fine you will put the stuff away but since DD is being rude and wasting your time by not being helpful she will be losing some sort of a privilege as a consequence.

When everything has been put back into its proper place and the room is nice and neat with no major clutter, take pictures of each area of the room. This is so you and DD can remember what it looks like when it is clean. It might be an inspiration to her to keep it this way, or it might simply be able to be used later as a visual reminder of what “clean” means for her bedroom.

Now that you've done all that work, the important part is to maintain it. This is where you set and communicate clear expectations for DD. I would advise requiring her to clean her room on a regular basis. Weekly is one option, and each weekend she would make sure if she accumulated extra stuff over the week it still fits where it should or she will choose something to replace. Another option would be that every day before bed she tidies up the room and puts everything in its place. Choose whatever works for you, but the important thing is to stay on top of it regularly so it doesn't have a chance to get out of control again.

You’re going to have to provide a very detailed and specific written model or step-by-step list of exactly how to clean the room so that DD doesn't just feel overwhelmed and stop doing it. Refer her to the pictures you took previously if that would help her. I have something available that you might be able to adapt for this purpose, let me know if you want me to post it.

I know this seems like a ton of work on your part and like you are doing more work than DD is, and to be honest that is true. But she seems completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the idea of cleaning the room properly and throwing stuff out, so she might not actually be able to manage the task at the level of mess the room is right now. By you getting rid of the huge overwhelming-feeling mess you've broken the cycle she’s possibly stuck in and made her see that getting the room under control is possible. By working with her step by step and using the categories and the questions to decide what to keep, you’re teaching her a method she can use in the future to keep her stuff under control. Maybe at 11 she should be able to do this on her own but this situation has shown clearly that she can’t yet and still needs your help. Good luck.
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