Reply to WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

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Reply to "WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]While I agree with the PPs that this sort of access is an invasion of privacy, I also understand why a cheated-on spouse would want the reassurance.

We do not share our passwords routinely. We each have a list of each other's important passwords to various things (in case of emergency), but the understanding is that we don't use those passwords for spot checks. If I found out that my husband was reading my email, I would be upset because I have given him no reason to need to do that.

In the OP's case, her husband not only gave her a reason to read his email (using it to cheat) but also permission to check that he was no longer using his email that way. He lost the right to complain when he agreed to allow her this access as a way of rebuilding her trust.

If she chooses not to avail herself of this access, that means that the plan is WORKING. She is trusting him more and feeling the need to check up on him less. That's kind of the whole point.[/quote]

That's the point UNTIL an unsolicited email from the former lover unravels all the trust that she had gained - and jumping on DCUM makes it worse.

Here's the thing.  If DH were up to no good, he would have to be a complete idiot to communicate through the channels that he gave his DW full access to.  So to me, it is false access just to placate the OP.  I am not saying that the DH is doing anything wrong.  But if he were, he surely would be communicating via other means.

My question is that if the process of "rebuilding trust" makes them both on edge and miserable, what's the point?  Life is too short to be miserable.[/quote]

The point is that the OP believes that he's NOT up to no good, that this WAS an unsolicited email. He cannot control what the OW sends him. He can tell her not to contact him. He can block her email address. She can get another one. I think it is possible that her H marked the email as read by accident, or that he read it and forgot to mention it and now feels dumb and that's why he's being defensive.

Either way, the OP's decision was that if she's going to trust him, she's going to trust him. She doesn't want to use the passwords she's been given for his new accounts. I think that shows commitment to rebuilding trust on her part, and I commend her for her effort. If it turns out that her H is still involved with the OW, that doesn't make the OP naive or controlling. It just means that she was the only one who was making a good faith effort to reconcile.[/quote]

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